Amnesia (edit)

[Helen Bywater]

Once upon a time
there was this mystery woman.
Rumour had it she was a princess
travelling incognito, but she fancied herself
to be the woodcutter's youngest daughter
uprooted at birth, or, in black moments,
a changeling.

Shadowing night as it stole through the forest,
she put salt on the tails of her dreams
and was away,
soaring over distant panoramas,
zooming in to inspect dunghills
through insect eyes, or
squatting by the river, panning for gold.

In a hall of mirrors
she outstared herself till the glass broke,
breaking through to a rich seam,
then blew herself up sowing a minefield,
exploding her myth.

And night returned to the forest. She followed
her intent, for once:
to find a quiet clearing,
the place of her undoing,
casting off her worn out garment,
to sit and watch, and listen.
And wait.

Edit: I'd already removed a comma at the end of S1L4, changed the line breaks in S2, and trimmed the end off S3L5.
I've now changed the title back, and used "once upon a time" as the first line instead.


There was this mystery woman.
Rumour had it she was a princess
travelling incognito, but she fancied herself
to be the woodcutter's youngest daughter,
uprooted at birth, or, in black moments,
a changeling.

Shadowing night as it stole through the forest,
she put salt on the tails of her dreams
and was away, soaring
over distant panoramas, zooming in
to inspect dunghills through insect eyes,
or squatting by the river, panning for gold.

In a hall of mirrors
she outstared herself till the glass broke,
breaking through to a rich seam,
then blew herself up sowing a minefield,
exploding her myth out of all proportion.

And night returned to the forest. She followed
her intent, for once:
to find a quiet clearing,
the place of her undoing,
casting off her worn out garment,
to sit and watch, and listen.
And wait.


Edit: S2 and S3 were originally one stanza.

[ray miller]

I don't follow this poem very well - I think that shall be etched on my tomb.Something about Rumplestiltskin?

put salt on the tails of her dreams - it sounds as if it may be a common saying but it's one that's escaped me until now.Almost the whole of the 2nd stanza is impenetrable to me, I'm afraid.I wondered if you intended sewing a minefield but perhaps not.

The last stanza hints at the Rumplestiltskin story but it's as if it's blended with Alice in Wonderland.

[David]

I like the fairy tale feel, Helen. That's strongest in S1, I think, which - perhaps for that reason - is my favourite.

I wonder whether S2 would benefit from being broken up into two.

It's an allegory, isn't it. An allegory of you, I'd guess, but that's always the simplistic guess.

A touch of Milton (I'm thinking Lycidas) in the self-mythologising? That's assuming it's the self. Or Superman disrobing after another great adventure.

Intriguing.

David

[Helen Bywater]

Hi Ray and David,

Thank you both for reading, and for your comments.

Ray: It's not the most accessible of poems, I know. I hadn't thought of Rumpelstiltskin. I wasn't alluding to any specific fairy tale, except for one reference. "Put salt on the tails of her dreams" is an obscure reference to a story I heard as a child, in which the way to catch a bird was said to be by putting salt on its tail. That was just personal to me, signifying how difficult it can be to catch a dream. I just liked the sound of it, and I thought it could mean taking one's dreams with a pinch of salt to get at their true meaning, or perhaps adding flavour to one's dreams in writing about them. It doesn't all have one specific meaning.

It was meant to be "sowing", not "sewing", but "mine" has a double meaning (or maybe a triple meaning, come to think of it).

David: yes, it's an allegory of me, and my poetic quest for self-knowledge, in which recording my dreams and writing about them played a huge part. It's very egocentric, written some years ago, when self-knowledge was my priority. I think you're right about splitting S2 into two parts. My reason for having it as one stanza was that S1 was about being unsure who I was, S2 was about the masculine, yang principle, actively and energetically pursuing the truth, and S3 was about the feminine, yin principle, realising that I couldn't force things, but being open and allowing the truth to unfold in a spirit of passive acceptance. However, S2 probably would read better as two parts.

There's no Milton influence that I'm aware of. To be honest,I'd never read Lycidas until yesterday. I'm afraid I'm not as well-read as I should be.

I'm glad you found it intriguing. Well, I hope that's a good thing. I sometimes find with inaccessible poems that I don't mind not knowing quite what they're about, and even enjoy that. At other times, though, it can be exasperating.

Helen

[Elphin]

Helen

Very fairy tale like and enjoyable because the reader knows that being a fairy tale they must go beneath the surface for meaning. Can I offer some suggestions?

How do you feel about using the traditional fairy tale beginning - once upon a time there was this mystery woman?

In s2 could you achieve a greater sense of movement by having the "ing" words at the beginning of each line - soaring, zooming, squatting.

In s3 maybe end on myth, the next bit sounds unnecessary.

Good ending.

cheers

elph

[Helen Bywater]

Hi Elph,

Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. I like your idea for the beginning. I'll think about all your suggestions and play around with it.

Cheers,
Helen

[beautifulloser]

Very good! I'm convinced you can do something more creative with the title. But this is excellent. Hat off!

Is it: "There was this mystery woman." or is it "There is a mystery woman".

I like a lot of this because it feels right. But there seems to be a shread of honesty hiding somewhere . . . .

big love

me
x

[Helen Bywater]

Hi "me"!

Many thanks for your kind remarks.

The first line definitely needs to be in the past tense (unless you meant "Is she still a mystery?") The answer to that is: not as much as she was then!

You're probably right about the title. I think I'll combine two of the suggestions that people have made.

Thanks again for reading - I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Helen

[Ros]

Enjoyed this very much, Helen. I think the second stanza is the strongest - I like the different senses of scale. I was a bit disappointed by the ending - the idea of just watching and waiting feels a bit cliched, particularly as we have no idea what she is waiting for.

Ros

[Helen Bywater]

Thanks, Ros. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Your comment about the end made me smile. When I was a kid I used to make up fairy stories, but I never could find a happy ending, and I was also disappointed with this one. In fact, I was thinking about calling this "In Search of a Happy Ending" and having "Once upon a time" as the first line. Maybe that would work better - though sitting naked in a forest in the middle of the night is perhaps an odd place to look for a happy ending.

Helen

[Helen Bywater]

You're right, Ros - you have no idea what she's waiting for at the end. I think changing the title was the problem. Without "Amnesia" as the title there weren't sufficient clues to what she was searching for, so I've changed it back. Thanks for your input.

[Suzanne]

Helen,

Since we have now met beneath Ray's Poem, I thought I would give you nod.
It is intersting for me to watch as you edit and tweak this.
I find that a crit is still a difficult thing for me to offer. I have so much to learn.

I can tell you the part I liked best was "she outstared herself till the glass broke"
and the part that caused me to trip a bit was the "squatting by the river", it just wasn't very pretty. lol.
But she has just been exploring dunghills so, pretty probably wasn't the goal.

The opening lines sound like a tale told around a campfire.

Suzanne

[Helen Bywater]

Thanks for commenting, Suzanne. I appreciate it.

You're right about "squatting". It wasn't meant to be pretty. People panning for gold do squat, but I was aware that it sounded as if "she" might have been having a crap - searching herself for something of value while unconsciously dumping on others, perhaps.

Helen