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Brown Study
Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 4:13 pm
by ray miller
A gentleman will clamber
upon her fifth floor balcony
vault a chaise longue
and purposefully stride
into her brown study
all black suited asperity
she will feign to ignore him
and rather talk in asides
to the familiar on her shoulder
of succulent fruits and sultry jungles
thick lush furs of the frozen North
and the abrasion of falling water
never ceasing to cook and sew
to knead and bake
to wind and weave
and polish her tales to perfection
his eyes may whisper imprecations
his tongue flick lightly
and thin manicured fingers
seek solace in petting
some unconsidered itch
she will talk in asides
to the familiar on her shoulder
she will not cease to cook and sew
and polish her tales to perfection
she will not cease to talk
of figurines of porcelain
orchids and chrysanthemum
velvet and vermilion
the timbre of grand pianos
and the ubiquity of moss
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:28 pm
by Ros
Like this a lot, Ray. Especially like her talking to her familiar, and his tongue flicking. Not sure about the moss - have you been talking to Suzanne? I'm not so sure about the last line - doesn't seem to quite fit with the picture I'm getting. Why fish?
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:34 pm
by stuartryder
It reminded me of Memoirs of a Geisha, but gave me a period-drama feel too. I found it suitably melancholic.
I was really lost as to its setting, though, if I'm honest. Help?
Cheers
Stuart
ray miller wrote:A gentleman will clamber
upon her fifth floor balcony
vault a chaise longue
and purposefully stride
into her brown study
all black suited asperity
she will feign to ignore him
and rather talk in asides
to the familiar on her shoulder
of succulent fruits and sultry jungles
thick lush furs of the frozen North
and the abrasion of falling water
never ceasing to cook and sew
to knead and bake
to wind and weave
and polish her tales to perfection
his eyes may whisper imprecations
his tongue flick lightly
and thin manicured fingers
seek solace in petting
some unconsidered itch
she will talk in asides
to the familiar on her shoulder
she will not cease to cook and sew
and polish her tales to perfection
she will not cease to talk
of figurines of porcelain
orchids and chrysanthemum
velvet and vermilion
the timbre of grand pianos
and the ubiquity of moss
on Fridays there will be fish
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:37 pm
by ray miller
Well, it's all about Suzanne, of course, hence the ubiquity of moss.But I think the fish must have been a red herring. I think I'll cut that line.
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:40 pm
by Ros
Is there something going on here we should be told about? I think you could lose the red herring, yes. At first it seemed rather milk-tray man, then fairy tale, but it's fine without a definite setting, I think. Great atmosphere.
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:55 pm
by ray miller
I had in mind a Jane Austen/ Mr Darcy type situation, something which is never very far from the mind of most exiled Brummies, of course.
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:12 pm
by Helen Bywater
I really like this, Ray.
Your portrayal of this domestic goddess/witch character is really interesting. I don't know who Suzanne is - I hope I'm not being rude about your wife or significant other, or a member of this group.
Still, there are good witches.
In fact, both characters caught my attention.
I didn't think the fish bit worked either - it seemed a bit contrived.
The poem does have a certain filmic quality - like watching the start of a film, when you don't know what's going on yet, but you're instantly absorbed. I don't think it matters that you never find out what it's about.
Very enjoyable.
Helen
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 10:47 am
by ray miller
Thanks Helen. I couldn't work out where you'd got this witch business at first, but I guess it's The Familiar?I'd never be so incautious as to imply Suzanne was a witch, she has claws, don't you know? I'd be careful if I were you, though if she does decide to turn you into a frog your surname will stand you in good stead.
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 11:09 am
by Lovely
I' m glad you were brave enough not to use any pauses here.
It flowed well without them for me...........personal maybe..
Lxxxxxxxx
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 12:56 pm
by Suzanne
Ray,
A wonderful poem. It makes me blush thinking you wrote it about my poems. It is quite an honor. Thanks again, Ray.
I am afraid that I am blinded by the poem on the whole and can not read it without only seeing how nice it is.
A crit from me on this is just plain silly. ... even sillier than usual.
However, I loved the fish line and will keep it in my printed copy.
Fridays are special days, it is show-n-tell on Fridays, so having fish only makes sense. lol ??
If asked to pick out a favorite line it would be
"talk in asides
to the familiar on her shoulder "
I just like the way it sounds.
Warm thanks,
Suzanne
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 6:51 pm
by David
A good poem, Ray, and a lovely tribute to Suzanne. You old charmer, you.
Cheers
David
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 8:22 am
by ray miller
Thank you Lovely, much appreciated. Though I have to smile when a poem or a poet is called brave. What am I risking?
Suzanne show-n-tell on Fridays? I don't know what you mean but I'm intrigued 'cause I'm writing a poem at the moment about show and tell.How serendipitous.
David, thanks, but not so much of the old.
Re: Brown Study
Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 10:59 am
by Suzanne
Ray! Are you really??
I better get my Show-n-Tell ready then... Oh, what shall it be? what??? Posting it tomorrow, Friday or in a week?? Panic panic... lol
Who is bringing the fish??
I might bring a hole.
lol, okay, okay, I just realized I am going to get my hand slapped. I meant a HOLE, like the dictionary would define.. don't know what anyone else was thinking.
Life is so very funny.
Suzanne