Obedience
-
ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7446
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
I think it's a great opening, Bind me slowly, if you send me away.
tears would plummet to the cold granite is very nice.paint my eyes closed with the fluid that flows.. is really fine, I think.
Problems are, well, it is saying the same thing a few times over and perhaps protests too much.
And there is moss yet again.
tears would plummet to the cold granite is very nice.paint my eyes closed with the fluid that flows.. is really fine, I think.
Problems are, well, it is saying the same thing a few times over and perhaps protests too much.
And there is moss yet again.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
-
Helen Bywater
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 154
- Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 6:29 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Brighton and Hove, England
Hi Suzanne,
You must be the Suzanne I've just been reading about in another poem.
You've described the emotions well in this, without being maudlin, and yet I agree that there's rather too much repetition of the same ideas, which detracts from the poignancy that this poem could and should have. You've obviously got sufficient delicacy of touch to do it - it just needs a bit of pruning.
Helen
You must be the Suzanne I've just been reading about in another poem.
You've described the emotions well in this, without being maudlin, and yet I agree that there's rather too much repetition of the same ideas, which detracts from the poignancy that this poem could and should have. You've obviously got sufficient delicacy of touch to do it - it just needs a bit of pruning.
Helen
Perplexing Poster
-
Suzanne
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 4902
- Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
Ray,
Thanks for the reply. I am glad the first line was good, it is always an important step, the first one. And I am glad that you liked the paint my eyes closed as well, I was not sure if I it would be read as I picutred it. Thanks , I appreciate those comments.
Helen,
Thank you for your kind comment that I have "sufficient delicacy of touch to do it" made me smile. Thanks. I have pruned a bit.
Warmly,
Suzanne
Thanks for the reply. I am glad the first line was good, it is always an important step, the first one. And I am glad that you liked the paint my eyes closed as well, I was not sure if I it would be read as I picutred it. Thanks , I appreciate those comments.
Helen,
Thank you for your kind comment that I have "sufficient delicacy of touch to do it" made me smile. Thanks. I have pruned a bit.
Warmly,
Suzanne
Last edited by Suzanne on Wed Jul 01, 2009 5:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
Helen Bywater
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 154
- Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 6:29 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Brighton and Hove, England
That's much better. Good job.
You wrote
"Helen,
Thank you for your kind comment that I have "sufficient delicacy of touch to do it" made me smile. Thanks. I have pruned a bit."
Well, having just called you a witch in my comment on Ray's poem, I thought I'd better be careful what I said!
No, I did mean it, and you've proved me right.
It was the familiar that made me think that, though I suppose you could have been a character from a Philip Pullman book.
What is this thing about moss? Oddly enough, I've been reworking an old poem which also has a mention of moss. Perhaps I'll post that one next.
Helen
You wrote
"Helen,
Thank you for your kind comment that I have "sufficient delicacy of touch to do it" made me smile. Thanks. I have pruned a bit."
Well, having just called you a witch in my comment on Ray's poem, I thought I'd better be careful what I said!
No, I did mean it, and you've proved me right.
It was the familiar that made me think that, though I suppose you could have been a character from a Philip Pullman book.
What is this thing about moss? Oddly enough, I've been reworking an old poem which also has a mention of moss. Perhaps I'll post that one next.
Helen
Perplexing Poster