Friend

[sandpiper]

He was a complex man
who insisted on neatness
but wore his shirttail flapping
like the corner of the porch screens
toward the end of summer.

Only a full sun toward mid-morning
would do, no sombrero, and especially
not coffee dark rings left
across formica. Such a classic table

he said. One to be preserved;
we had to polish close
around each corner like a full lip.

I knew him when he felt burned down,
or tall and dark with and orderly,
as he wanted to live. And no matter
which metaphor we'd use to discuss ourselves

we'd always come back to the good clean earth,
to the murmuring beyond our window,
into those spaces that make our knotted hands
begin to clap again.

Even more difficult to mourn his passing.
How do you bury someone who was always looking up,
who called your name and the river came running.

[ray miller]

Hello sandpiper. This is good. I'm probably totally wrong but I formed the impression that the guy in question was the proprietor of a cafe, the polishing of the tables etc."polish close around each corner like a full lip", is a good line.So is "those spaces that make our knotted hands begin to clap again".

Some things I had problems with: "felt burned down, or tall and dark with and orderly..." makes not a lot of sense to me.I see that these are metaphors but still...

How do you bury someone who was always looking up.... I can see what that may mean yet it's open to too many interpretations, perhaps. Last line I loved, though.

[Lovely]

Raioheads------------------------spirits?
.......brilliant.


Loads xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[sandpiper]

Ray, thanks for reading. I see what you are saying
with those concerns and now that you put it that way,
those lines seem problematic to me as well. He wasn't
a cafe owner but I also see how that can be taken.
What I feel is I need to work on more clarity with this one.

Lovely, Thanks for coming in but I don't understand
that first word in your reply or the meaning? Hope I'm not dating myself.
There are a lot of words nowdays I don't get!

[Lovely]

It's okay. Radio heads-------- it is a slang term we use on street corners........

Lxxxxxx

[David]

I like this a lot. S1 seems faultless. The connection between the sombrero and the coffee-rings eluded me in S2.

I knew him when he felt burned down,
or tall and dark with and orderly,
as he wanted to live -

there are two or three things I don't get about that.

The last two stanzas are really good.

A pleasure to read, sp. You have a steady hand and an attractive voice.

Cheers

David

[Wabznasm]

Wot David sed: You have a steady hand and an attractive voice.

I've a few nits, but they don't taint what was otherwise a very enjoyable read.

I'll get the biggie out of the way first, and that's the ending. It's an emotional punch line, but I think it is slightly isolated from the rest of the poem. The majority of the poem is about his neatness, and I'd expect the final delivery to mirror something on that theme. But there seems no connected between

How do you bury someone who was always looking up,
who called your name and the river came running.

and the rest of the poem bar he was optimistic/religious/etc and a good friend of yours. I felt let down by the delivery, as if the poem forgets itself; I know it's a myth to try and turn a poem into a complex little ball of satisfying unity, since life's not like that, but I just feel the ending should reflect the content of the poem more. And besides, if you pulled out a killer reflection on why his neatness makes his burial difficult, the poem would be twice as good in my opinion.

Like the simile itself, the porch screen image was good but a little flappy, and perhaps a little overdone. I think you could turn it into one line and still get the clarity across.

I'm with Ray for this bit

I knew him when he felt burned down,
or tall and dark with and orderly,
as he wanted to live.

since it doesn't make sense to me. An idiomatic problem perhaps?

And no matter
which metaphor we'd use to discuss ourselves

we'd always come back to the good clean earth, is just sublime.

I think this is a very good poem. It is for the most parts assured and refined. I just think it needs a little work.

Welcome to the board
Dave

(also, the title is a little dull maybe)

[sandpiper]

Lovely, I kind of thought that! Thanks for clarification.
I had no idea.

David, Thanks for the feedback. I didn't even see any connection
between the sombrero and the coffee rings but I sure like that idea.
I may develop that, if I can do so without it being too contrived.
In looking at this draft I'm seeing the tall, dark, burned down
isn't cutting it, not really. Good to get more than one perspective on that
to clench my gut feeling.

Dave, you bring up some great points. The ending is different
and I kind of did that on purpose. am uncertain it's going to be a good choice.
It does need a little work because it's a draft I did the other day. I usually
work harder on pieces before posting but I was stuck on this one
and the feedback helps a lot.

By the way, the feedback here is very good.

Thank you all.