Beloved

[Helen Bywater]

Even when I knew you didn't exist
out there, I never could stop looking.
There were many passing resemblances,
like fragments of you, glinting brashly
back at me from city streets. Sometimes
a sudden stab of brilliant intensity
would fix me for good, compelling me
to look anywhere else.

Under soft lighting, smiling into the eyes
of the one who came closest,
I recognised you, and said yes.

Fire-gazing, sinking into the embers,
I glimpsed you in a star-cluster,
a fire-jewel, each facet a star
that sparked for a moment, then died.
I will keep looking,
even with my eyes closed,
until I see you everywhere.

I turn to the east, as the first warm rays
trace the blue-green hills
with the lightest touch of gold,
and I open to you, as a flower
turns its face, and spreads its petals
to welcome the sun.

[ray miller]

I like this, mostly.Perhaps "there were many passing resemblances, fragments of you glinting..." avoids using "like".
Last 3 lines of 1st stanza I "like" very much.

Not taken by the Fire gazing..etc but I loved last 3 lines of that stanza.

I didn't think the last stanza added much and I wonder if it's necessary.

[Lovely]

Loved. xx

[stuartryder]

Hi Helen

Ok except for the final verse, it was self-consciously poetic and one of those cliche things I already spouted about.

I think verse 1 was aiming in the right direction though it could be more descriptive of the modern world in which the N is glimpsing the beloved.

Cheers

Stuart

Even when I knew you didn't exist
out there, I never could stop looking.
There were many passing resemblances,
like fragments of you, glinting brashly
back at me from city streets. Sometimes
a sudden stab of brilliant intensity
would fix me for good, compelling me
to look anywhere else.

Under soft lighting, smiling into the eyes
of the one who came closest,
I recognised you, and said yes.

Fire-gazing, sinking into the embers,
I glimpsed you in a star-cluster,
a fire-jewel, each facet a star
that sparked for a moment, then died.
I will keep looking,
even with my eyes closed,
until I see you everywhere.

I turn to the east, as the first warm rays
trace the blue-green hills
with the lightest touch of gold,
and I open to you, as a flower
turns its face, and spreads its petals
to welcome the sun.

[Helen Bywater]

Thanks for your comments, Ray, Lovely and Stuart.

I guess the last stanza isn't needed, at that.

Stuart: it's hard to write about the dawn and avoid clichés. I hoped I'd accomplished it - I suppose the fact that it's not an actual dawn but a metaphor for a new beginning is a cliché - and comparing myself to a flower (withering a bit now ) is self-consciously poetic. I guess that's what you meant.

I'll work on it.

Cheers,
Helen

[Lovely]

It is so beautiful ...........Loved it,

life is short and we have images but sooner we have you....

much indeed...it fell all over me........


Lxx

[Helen Bywater]

Thanks, Lovely.

[sandpiper]

Helen,

I like the natural voice in this except for L2.
It read awkward, "I never could stop looking"
I'm thinking "I could never stop looking"
would read smoother. Was also a little puzzled
at the shift in tenses with the "I see you everywhere"
as up until then it sounded as if it had already happened.
You may mean though, that you now "see" the person.
Hope some of that helps.

[David]

I rather liked the description of your searching, Helen. I think Stuart is right - that's the heart of the poem.

Philosophical question: is there just one - "the one", I suppose you might say - do you think, or a number of distinct possibles?

Cheers

David

[Helen Bywater]

Helen,

I like the natural voice in this except for L2.
It read awkward, "I never could stop looking"
I'm thinking "I could never stop looking"
would read smoother. Was also a little puzzled
at the shift in tenses with the "I see you everywhere"
as up until then it sounded as if it had already happened.
You may mean though, that you now "see" the person.
Hope some of that helps.

Hi Sandpiper,

Thanks for your comments.

I'm wondering if the difference between "never could stop looking" and "could never stop looking" is one of the differences between British English and American English. Both sound fine to me, but "never could" places more emphasis on the "could", I think, which changes it, to my mind, from being just "I couldn't stop looking for my ideal" to "I couldn't stop eyeing guys up in the street" (in my young, footloose and fancy-free days, you understand ) which seemed more appropriate to the context of the first stanza.

The reason for "until I see you everywhere" is that it's not about some past relationship. It's about the ideal, the love object, the idea of the divine lover/beloved as written about by Sufi poets such as Rumi, or in terms of Jungian psychology, the animus (or anima, depending on one's gender and inclination). In that sense it's a lifelong thing, more tied up with lust when we're younger, but in some ways deeper as we get older, I would say. We never encounter anyone who's perfect, but we meet people who resemble our ideal to a certain extent, or in certain aspects. Wanting to "see you everywhere" was about trying to see the good, that which is lovable, in everyone.

I plan to revise it, so I hope that will become clearer.

Helen

[Helen Bywater]

Thanks, David.

I shall mull over all you've said when I rework this.

I think my answer to Sandpiper has probably answered your question. There's only "the one" in the sense of the ideal, but in real-life relationships, there are a number of possibilities (if we're lucky).

Cheers,

Helen

[Divina]

Helen

The lingering tone of the poem makes for a pleasant read.
However, I'm sure you could cut a few words/lines here and there to improve the flow.

The first line isn't working for me. I don't fully understand what is intended by 'I knew you didn't exist'.
I imagine that you are talking about the end of a relationship for inevitable reasons, but am not sure.
Also the poem would be stronger if you used the present tense throughout.
I would cut the first two lines and maybe begin with ' fragments of you glint brashly back at me
from city streets, compel me to look anywhere else." Then in the second strophe you could edit 'who came closest' to 'who is closest'. 'I recognise you' sounds more direct and therefore the reader can experience the poem as he/she reads along. I would try to get rid of some of the -ing words in the third strophe.
And how about ...
I keep looking
until I see you everywhere. ... do you really need 'even with my eyes closed'?
Personally I like the last strophe.


I hope I've been helpful in some way.


My best to you
Maria

[Helen Bywater]

Helen

The lingering tone of the poem makes for a pleasant read.
However, I'm sure you could cut a few words/lines here and there to improve the flow.

The first line isn't working for me. I don't fully understand what is intended by 'I knew you didn't exist'.
I imagine that you are talking about the end of a relationship for inevitable reasons, but am not sure.
Also the poem would be stronger if you used the present tense throughout.
I would cut the first two lines and maybe begin with ' fragments of you glint brashly back at me
from city streets, compel me to look anywhere else." Then in the second strophe you could edit 'who came closest' to 'who is closest'. 'I recognise you' sounds more direct and therefore the reader can experience the poem as he/she reads along. I would try to get rid of some of the -ing words in the third strophe.
And how about ...
I keep looking
until I see you everywhere. ... do you really need 'even with my eyes closed'?
Personally I like the last strophe.


I hope I've been helpful in some way.


My best to you
Maria

Hi Maria,

Thanks for your input.

The first line's supposed to indicate that I'm talking about an ideal who doesn't exist out there in reality, but only as an internal idea. You're not the only one who's found that confusing, so I suppose I need to word it differently. I don't think I could write it all the present tense, because it's about my changing relationship with that ideal through different stages of life.

I'll mull over all that you've said, though - I'm grateful for your suggestions. I'm glad you like the last strophe. I don't know if it needs it, but I must admit I'm rather fond of it myself.

Cheers,
Helen