It's a tough job but someone's gotta [Explicit]

[stuartryder]

My poetry’s a dirty slag,
a filthy whore with lip sores
and scratched thighs. I’m her pimp.

She doesn’t sit in her chamber
surrounded by teasing maids
garlanding her flaming hair.

She long-since unlocked –
more accurately, I did –
her chastity belt. Head shaved, she

kicked the fuck out of tomorrow.
Tonight she’s standing on the corner
of Borders and the Vine, high,

daring any social-inadequates
to pop inside and see, to
become one with her. Briefly.

If her record so far is anything
to go by, I’ll be lucky to score
anything more than a tenner for a handjob.

A five-knuckle shuffle and a muffled
Aaaaahhh—in the back of a car.
A rusty noisesmith of an old Cortina.

My poetry got meaner when I started
taking all her money, and I beat
the living shit out of her, simply

because every time she was nice,
the clients were nasty, they took liberties,
and she came back with nothing

but a soiled reputation. Tongues wag; I became mud
scraped off shoes onto streets. Someone had to take the rap.
I wiped my arse with her pale, flimsy skin.

She doesn’t talk as much anymore. Can’t.
She knows her job, and it’s a slutty one. A gutter one.
She fucks them and I take all the profit. Literally.

[Sharra]

This is great Stuart - and such a nice gentle poem to read early on sat morning
I really liked the voice in this, it's working well and feels 'right'. You have some great lines in here. I especially liked
A five-knuckle shuffle and a muffled / Aaaaahhh—in the back of a car. - such a great rhythm to it.

The stanza that didn't flow so well for me was

She long-since unlocked –
more accurately, I did –
her chastity belt.

It didn't feel as straightforward as the rest of the language, I'm not sure that the 'more accurately, I did –' works so well in such a short stanza.

In S8 I would think about taking our the 'and' and starting a new sentence with I beat. I think it would feel tighter if you did.

The penultimate stanza felt a little long to me (compared to the earlier ones). And I wasn't too keen on I wiped my arse with her pale, flimsy skin. but that could be just because its such a horrible image - I can't really be objective about it.

Anyway - your relationship with your poetry sounds much more, uhhm, interesting than mine - mine's like a cat I coax from under the sofa.
Sharra
xx

[Lovely]

Works well and feels right. Hands on then......




Nicexx

[brianedwards]

The poem ends at the first stanza Stuart, which I think is quite superb. The rest is written with conviction and there are some interesting phrasings, but it is really just exposition of the first three lines.

I trust you will disagree.

Regards.

B.

~

[David]

It does work well Stu and, pace Brian, I do think it keeps working after the first stanza.

At first I thought Borders and the Vine was some sort of weird LA location, but I'm now guessing the Vine is a pub.

Strangely enough, I wouldn't have said this was your relationship with your poetry. I suspect you and she have got more of a Compo and Nora Batty thing going on. Or am I the wrong side of t'Pennines?

Cheers

David

[sandpiper]

Your sonics shine in this. Best I've seen in awhile.
The metaphor is extended well and stays solid,
but with one drawback
(for me anyway) is I don't think writing about poetry in any metaphor
is that original these days. But I'm torn because your language
and use of it make this work on so many levels. That end stanza
seems overdone at best. I immediately thought
something that might add a spark of surprise at the end was doing
doing a revision and taking "her" home to meet the folks....a little twist shall we say?
because to be honest, after a few lines, it became predictable.
in any case, thanks for the read. I mean it when I say I enjoyed reading this.

[stuartryder]

Thanks for removing that "and" Sharra, I quite agree. You might be right about stanza 3 but it wouldn't work logically otherwise.

Lovely - thanx. you're an inspiration to me!

Brian - I quite agree that most of the poem is exposition on a stated theme but I haven't got a problem with that myself. Glad you liked the way the initial statement was presented, though.

David - thanks man. You spotted the US streets joke then. Cool. I don't know why we don't adopt their street system here. On another note,
pimping and prostitution seems such a Hollywood sort of thing, even when it isn't actually based there. You're in the right place but you would be surprised what South Yorkshire chucks out these days. It certainly isn't all flat caps, awkwardly senile courtships and comedy bloomers flapping on a clothes line.

Cheers

Stuart

This is great Stuart - and such a nice gentle poem to read early on sat morning
I really liked the voice in this, it's working well and feels 'right'. You have some great lines in here. I especially liked
A five-knuckle shuffle and a muffled / Aaaaahhh—in the back of a car. - such a great rhythm to it.

The stanza that didn't flow so well for me was

She long-since unlocked –
more accurately, I did –
her chastity belt.

It didn't feel as straightforward as the rest of the language, I'm not sure that the 'more accurately, I did –' works so well in such a short stanza.

In S8 I would think about taking our the 'and' and starting a new sentence with I beat. I think it would feel tighter if you did.

The penultimate stanza felt a little long to me (compared to the earlier ones). And I wasn't too keen on I wiped my arse with her pale, flimsy skin. but that could be just because its such a horrible image - I can't really be objective about it.

Anyway - your relationship with your poetry sounds much more, uhhm, interesting than mine - mine's like a cat I coax from under the sofa.
Sharra
xx

[stuartryder]

Your sonics shine in this. Best I've seen in awhile.
The metaphor is extended well and stays solid,
but with one drawback
(for me anyway) is I don't think writing about poetry in any metaphor
is that original these days. But I'm torn because your language
and use of it make this work on so many levels. That end stanza
seems overdone at best. I immediately thought
something that might add a spark of surprise at the end was doing
doing a revision and taking "her" home to meet the folks....a little twist shall we say?
because to be honest, after a few lines, it became predictable.
in any case, thanks for the read. I mean it when I say I enjoyed reading this.

Hi Sandpipes

I agree about the writing about poetry thing; I hate it and have never done so before. (Or not directly. It could be argued that all poetry makes a statement about poetry, but that's something else entirely.)

But... I am challenging myself and my writing at the moment. You won't likely have seen my rambling romances on here yet, I suppose, but I think I've reached the end of a long and very rewarding road, so I'm looking down other paths at the moment. I am saying to myself - do what you don't like. Hence this and other poems.

I like the twist you suggest, either the specific one you mention or the idea of a change of direction at the end. Like you and Brian have noted, the poem is a sketch of a poetry's character. It doesn't have a plot. I'll think on that.

Cheers

Stuart

[sandpiper]

Stuart, yes, I am new to all the writers here and will look for more of your work!

[Suzanne]

Stuart,
I enjoyed this and it flowed very well to the end for me. Quite a relationship you have with your gal. lol.I liked the line breaks and have followed the replies. It is interesting observe and learn. Enjoyed.
Suzanne