The Visionary

[Suzanne]

The Visionary


It was about making an impact on his world.
There would be airplanes to consider, a ship
recently reviewed piqued his curiosity,
he was told he had access to the supplies
he needed.

It was greed and power combined,
determined self absorbed actions. A focused
need to make a difference, to get it down on paper.
There was no time to waste. The girls who wanted
to play house would have to wait. He wanted
what he wanted and he wanted it now.

He stomped his foot, waved a fat pencil in the air.
Held the papers in his left hand, then tossed them
onto the table and began to do his work.

After snacktime, he would take a nap.
The girls would just have to understand,
there were things that needed to be done first.




removed typo "it"




.

[ray miller]

I think this is rather excellent, Suzanne, and I'm not just saying it because I know what a wonderful person you are. It could be about men at any age, I guess, we never grow up really, and that is what makes it so good.It's different from your usual stuff and one of the ways it differs is that it's understated rather than the contrary. Which you can sometimes do. A bit.

Are you meaning to say, "...and began it to do his work."? Do you need "it"?

You probably need a swath of semi-colons. How d'you feel about comma splices?

[Suzanne]

Ray,

Thanks for the reply. If you could show me what you mean about the punctuation, I promise I will study it. I tend to punctuate and then take the comas out and put them back a million times, totally loosing my way.

Are you saying that most of the time I overstate??? Gasp!
Yes! I am guilty. Although, I overstate using a very passive voice, isn't that interesting? Say... my kids accuse me of overstating as well!

I hope I am getting more subtle. Well, I sort of hope I am getting better. I fancy myself more of a storyteller and not interested in mime at all.

And .... Oh sure, Ray, call me a witch yesterday and a wonderful person today. There is no getting out of this hole you are digging.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[ray miller]

I don't think I'm quite the person to ask about punctuation. Try Ros, she's a semi-coloniser and good with brackets.

If I implied you overstated I did it in an understated sort of way.

I didn't call you a witch, that was Helen Bywater. I merely repeated the assertion.Actually, Helen's not been around for a few days, you didn't turn her into a frog?

Oh, you've made an error in correcting your previous error.You now have "and began do his work".

[ray miller]

Actually the punctuation is pretty good. You might need a semi-colon after consider but otherwise perfect.It's a great poem that's being neglected.

[David]

This is rather good. A bit Ayn Rand, perhaps?

And "piqued", I should think.

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

Neat piece Suzanne

I really like the closing lines

After snacktime, he would take a nap.
The girls would just have to understand,
there were things that needed to be done first.

I thought stanzas 1,3 and 4 could stand alone and are the most poetic but it might just be a personal view that s2 tells what is shown - I must sound like a broken record to you Suzanne.I do like what you do - I offer this only as a thought.

elph

[Helen Bywater]

I didn't call you a witch, that was Helen Bywater. I merely repeated the assertion.Actually, Helen's not been around for a few days, you didn't turn her into a frog?

No, Suzanne didn't turn me into a frog. I've just been busy entertaining the ma-in-law.

Hi Suzanne,

I like this.

I haven't got much to add, except: re punctuation, I'd say you need a semi-colon after "curiosity" as well as "consider" in S1, and a colon after "understand" in S4.

I also think you mean "piqued", not "peaked", unless it's a play on words, but it doesn't seem to be.

I sort of agree with Elphin about S2 - most of what you say in S2 is expressed elsewhere.

Helen

[bodkin]

Hi Suzanne,

I liked this when I first saw it in the anonymous fling and I still like it now.

Interestingly I never read it as being about a child, but rather about the difference between male and female interests. e.g. the protag has this obsession and any possible romantic liaisons, actually I guess that isn't necessarily male and female, just the difference between obsessed and unobsessed people. Although a common cliche of flim plots is to have them male and femaile in that order...

Absolutely love the final S.

I might lose the "do his" between "to" and "work"... just to keep it flowing rapidly.

Ian

[Suzanne]

Ian, Ray, David, Elph and Helen,

Thank you very much for your replies. It has been a pleasure to have such encouraging comments. Even though Elph, you are a broken record, lol. As long as you keep telling me, you think there is still hope for me, it is a good thing. I am learning, falling forward when I fall.

Thank you, All... again,
Suzanne