Waiting for a piña colada

[Suzanne]

Waiting for a piña colada


A breeze of her hand under
the table, he tosses a line
when knees bump, glances
are exchanged while words
bob buoyantly, revealing nothing
below the surface.

Musk scented invitation
ripples still air, her chin slightly
tipped focuses on his hands.
Leaning into the draw, yearning
currents pull below still water
prompting toes, shyly touching
in rhythm to a beat drifting
silkily between table legs.

Unwound by the wine, fluid
thoughts catch mouth watering
pauses as she concentrates on
absorbing each twist of his wrist,
eyes diverting each time his tongue
slides between his lips.

Hands drift to her thighs, thirstily
she swallows and shifts position.


.
Original
Waiting for a piña colada


A breeze of her hand under
the table, he tosses a troll line
when knees bump, glances
are exchanged while words
bob buoyantly, revealing nothing
below the surface.

Musk scented invitation
ripples still air, her chin slightly
tipped focuses on his hands;
waves of grace glide
before laughing eyes.

Leaning into the draw, yearning
currents pull below still water
prompting toes, shyly touching
in rhythm to a beat drifting
silkily between table legs.

Unwound by the wine, fluid
thoughts catch mouth watering
pauses as she concentrates on
absorbing each twist of his wrist,
eyes diverting each time his tongue
slides between his lips.

Hands drift to her thighs, thirstily
she swallows and shifts position.


.

[ray miller]

I hate the phrase "troll line" in this context, I'm afraid."words bob buoyantly, revealing nothing below the surface" is rather nice, and very naughty.

waves of grace - that's a bit vague and weak, I think

"Leaning into the draw" is a good phrase. "Unwound by the wine" I like very much

The third stanza is maybe an example of overstatement. And the ending is very you.I liked it.

[Raisin]

I liked this a lot, I think it's very refreshing, especially the first two stanzas.

To me it sounds as though the relationship is with the bar tender or the drink, rather than anyone else, which is great. Only nit for me is "laughing eyes", there's a lot of original thought in here and "laughing eyes" drags it down a bit (I think).

Lovely, I enjoyed reading this one

Thanks,

Raisin

[Suzanne]

Ray,

Thank you very much for your comments. I agree, "troll" is not a good choice of words. It didn't register with me until you pointed it out. Thanks. And thanks for the kind words on that parts you liked. It is nice to hear. the overstating, well, sometimes, I just MUST. lol. I will learn as time goes by but sometimes, I just MUST, for my own pleasure, I suppose. Thanks for keeping me on my toes.

Raisin,

thank you for your comments, I am very glad you enjoyed it. I have removed the lines that you mentioned. I realized that taking them out was better than figuring out a new way to say it... and it they are not even missed.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Helen Bywater]

This is one I meant to comment on when you posted it, but never got round to, and forgot I hadn't. Now you've revised it I think any criticisms I would have made are redundant. I like it very much.

Helen