Poetry Forum

(general minor revision based on all comments...)

The greatest what on Earth?

The circus came;
the big-top billowed, unexpected,
at the edge of town.

The clowns were terrible,
not like from a children's party,
all patchy make-up
and no affinity for balloon animals,
but more like strutting devils
accidentally released
and looking for revenge.

They executed the juggler
with a callous custard pie
coloured clubs crashing down;
and the top-hatted man,
unmastered in his own ring,
was driven into exile
with whitewash and a ladder.

A totalitarian regime
of unfunny large-trouser gags
began to take shape,
and things would have gone hard for the audience
had the elephant
(who must have been God)
not sat on the chief clown.

(minor tweak, inserted an "at" as per Ros' suggestion)

The greatest what on Earth?

The circus came;
the big-top billowed, unexpected,
on the edge of town.

The clowns were terrible;
not like at a bad children's party
with patchy make-up
and no affinity for balloon animals,
but rather like devils
inadvertently freed
to find revenge.

They executed the juggler
with a callous pie
all coloured clubs crashing;
and the top-hatted man,
unmastered in his own ring,
was driven into exile
with whitewash and a ladder.

A totalitarian regime
of unfunny large-trouser gags
began to take shape,
and things would have gone hard for the audience
had the elephant
(who must have been God)
not sat on the chief clown.

I like it.

I've always hated clowns, and I've always liked elephants.

Thanks for an enjoyable read.

Helen

bodkin wrote:The greatest what on Earth?

The circus came;
the big-top billowed, unexpected,
on the edge of town.

The clowns were terrible;
not like a bad children's party
with patchy make-up
and no affinity for balloon animals,
but rather like devils
inadvertently freed
to find revenge.

They executed the juggler
with a callous pie
all coloured clubs crashing;
and the top-hatted man,
unmastered in his own ring,
was driven into exile
with whitewash and a ladder.

A totalitarian regime
of unfunny large-trouser gags
began to take shape,
and things would have gone hard for the audience
had the elephant
(who must have been God)
not sat on the chief clown.

excellent, excellent, best thing i've read in ages

El

Brilliant. I keep stumbling on

The clowns were terrible;
not like a bad children's party

the not like doesn't seem right. How about 'not like at a', or 'not from'

Ros

Ros wrote:Brilliant. I keep stumbling on

The clowns were terrible;
not like a bad children's party

the not like doesn't seem right. How about 'not like at a', or 'not from'

Ros

Yes, I dithered with that...

I didn't want to get into too many prepositions and connecting words, but you're are right, I may have gone too far towards the Terse Side of the Force.

Will reconsider...

Ian

Thanks El!

Thanks Helen! I actually like clowns, but I have to watch them from a specially constructed hide...

Regards,

Ian

This is very good. S2 does seem a bit clumsily expressed, but the ideas / images are great. I like S4 a lot.

Cheers

David

Thanks David!

I think you are right about S2, I struggled a little, will have to think again. I might need to break it into two sentences...

I thought unmastered was a bit naff.You should do something with a whip. No, not that!

ray miller wrote:I thought unmastered was a bit naff.You should do something with a whip. No, not that!

It was supposed to be a sort of pun

ringmaster -> unmastered in his own ring...

was that the sense in which it was naff?

Ian

I like "unmastered". Or you could use "dismastered", with an extra pun, as if he were a foundering ship.

"Terrible" is a good word for the clowns with its various senses.

"To wreak vengeance" sounds more terrible than "to find revenge". "Accidentally unleashed" instead of "inadvertently freed"? "No affinity for balloon animals" is good.

Third verse is good too. Only bit that falls flat is describing the pie as "callous". "Cruel", maybe?

I love the idea of the elephant as God.

Yes, I did realise it was meant to be a pun!Just didn't think it was a very good one.Nobody uses "unmastered" much and I didn't think this was the kind of poem in which it would be apt.Use the whip!

k-j wrote:Third verse is good too. Only bit that falls flat is describing the pie as "callous". "Cruel", maybe?

i like the callous pie! although if you used cruel, you could keep the rhythm with "cruel cream pie". and the three single syllables with drawn out vowels adds a sort of gothic feel to the line.

the end made me chuckle, throughout the poem i was wondering where it was going, and then the elephant sat on the clown. a very good build up to a complete anti-climax. i like it when there is a build up to something which is nowhere near as epic as the build up suggests, although the clown does get what all clowns deserve.

i think the idea of dismastered is a good replacement for unmastered. it does seem a little naff somehow. dismastered adds a sense of everything starting to a little wrong as well maybe?

Hi all and many thanks for all the input.

k-j and Mark --
I've gone for "callous custard pie" so I have the alliteration and the stronger rhythm...

Glad you like the end Mark, that's pretty much exactly how I feel about it, a sort of neat whimper of an end...

I like "unmastered" too much, to me it is meaning "made not the master" rather than "doesn't have a master". Dismastered felt a bit clumsy to me...

The other main change is I tried to sort out S2...

regards in all directions,

Ian