Sunk - revised

[ray miller]

Sunk in a seat like a cavity
nursing prophylactic bruises.
Thrust anaesthetic through these
bloodshot eyes that analyse
faces in wasted time.
One of these faces is mine,
and a counterpart watches
the tranquilised dodges
and doctored mirrors
that beckon me hither.
The part's learnt by heart,
we've all dressed in the dark;
men and women brimming
with a splash of malicious intent.
Is it time that I went?
Words ascend in cataracts
to form something palpable
hung between hats
and collapsible ceiling.
Impenetrable yet revealing,
a tight bound shoal of fish;
as if a camera accomplished
the capture of only sound.
This is the buzz.

In a jungle of jagged elbows
I jostle for jokes lost in translation,
for punch lines too long in arriving.
Mouths are too close and collars
too tight for strangling.
I haven't a mobile
to savour inaction;
my smile is too labile,
it should be in traction.
I'm afraid to be left
with an empty glass
when my fist clings so fast
that I fear it will smash.
Some guy's whooping and singing,
urging me to do the same;
his words are hymns to a heathen
god that I can't even name.
Scripture scrolls the karaoke screen
and I wonder what my memory is saving.
There's a lot going on
but nothing is happening.
This is the craic.

[Ros]

Enjoyed this greatly, Ray. Craic confused me - revelry of music with alcohol? yet I thought you were in a hospital in the first half. Am I completely wrong? Actually I wanted you to end on

There's a lot going on
but nothing is happening.

It's a great ending. The later lines feel less original - frozen smile, nothing up your sleeve. Only other bit that jarred a bit was

The part's learnt by heart,
we've all dressed in the dark;

the dark felt like it was there for the rhyme - don't see the consequence of having dressed in the dark - that implies that the attire might not be appropriate, whereas the image I get is of everyone knowing exactly what their part is and what they need to wear.

It's a pub, isn't it, not a hospital? I like the idea of a hospital better.

I'll shut up now.

Ros

[ray miller]

Thanks Ros. Yes, it's about a pub/bar. But the pub as hospital is an attractive metaphor. Alcohol/medicine, bar/nursing staff and the extended opening times are, of course, comparable to the encroaching medicalisation of everyday life. Yes, there's certainly a poem on that theme to be written.

dressed in the dark? Well, I suppose I was trying to portray a bizarre assembly. Their very visual oddness being part of the part. Does that make sense?

Anyway, to finish on "There's a lot going on/but nothing is happening" is an excellent suggestion so I'm going to try and rewrite it around that.

Part of "the purpose" of this poem was to wonder on the difference between the buzz and the craic.

[Sharra]

Hi Ray
I could hear this as a performance piece, it almost sounds like a rap
Hmm, in fact the more I read it, the more it feels like a Faithless piece.
I enjoyed reading this, and the voice you create, I especially like In a jungle of jagged elbows / I jostle for jokes lost in translation,

But I do have a couple of niggles (that you could probably get away with if it was being performed).
Prophylactic bruises - didn't make sense to me - why are the prophylactic?
I also wasn't keen on Impenetrable yet revealing - it jarred with me, felt telling not showing and like you were trying to be clever and poetic.
Sharra
x

[ray miller]

Thanks Sharra.I'd not thought of it as being rap-like, but I see what you mean now. Perhaps I will.
Prophylactic bruises? Well, self harm would be putting it too strongly but I have in mind the kind of damaging manouevres we employ in order to ward off what we believe may be even worse.

Impenetrable yet revealing? Simply means something not accessible to oneself but the existence of which reveals much. Examples: The Royal Family, The Royle Family,The Buzz.

[Helen Bywater]

I like this a lot, Ray.

I love "jungle of jagged elbows" and the lines

men and women brimming
with a splash of malicious intent.