Poetry Forum

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I've only the vaguest notion what you're on about but this Maya must be quite some gal and I thought some of the lines here were terrific.
I'll earn my turn for five minutes to recite what fires this talking heart. That's great, and quested my dictions is quirky and endearing.
The italicised section I don't thrill to much except "I wouldn't find a scent to your candour". The dearness in your goodness I just find clumsy.

The "If so..." in the last section I find baffling, as if a proposal had been made, but I can't see one.And what are all these thousands?

The poem's lines put to good use running rhythm. Metrical construction makes it possible to read the poem through without falter. I particularly like the poem's conception, it being hard to make a love song with originality to it, which this has. There are a couple of word-concepts I myself would have avoided, or, rather, would have tried to find a different way of conveying the same meaning. Fate is one. Musings is another. On the other hand, several images and turns of speech I find delightful. Such as pearls purring and latching eyelashes into verse, this last making the scene intimate entirely through suggestion.

Terreson

A nicely flighted poem of yearning. (Yearning is good for the soul, but only up to a certain point.) I like it. It's a very musical poem.

Cheers

David

I find this magnificent in terms of form, concept, language, image, sonics, impact. Wow.
The poem leaves me breathless, it has that stomach jumping quality that comes only from art and love (for me).
The combination of slightly worn phrasing ("fires this talking heart"; "infused you with such musings" etc) and dazzling originality ("breathe in to speed greet"; "I will catch your eyelashes"; "pearls of my purring") fuze brilliantly and give the reader "the spectrum of best, worst, and everything in between" which I think is the heart of the poem.
Skillfully crafted to have the appearance of a first draft, and I believe only a talented writer could pull that off. Well done.

B.

~

Not sure I see the point of skillfully crafting something so that it then looks like a first draft, Brian

However - I like the speed of this, the way it races along. I'd agree with earlier posters on the best phrases - some lovely lines there. For me, 'speed greet' doesn't really work - made me think of speed dialling, and the last line

and grit the speed of this searching earth.

I'm not sure what image this is portraying - presumably using friction to slow the speeding, but it isn't the earth that is doing the speeding?

Ros wrote:Not sure I see the point of skillfully crafting something so that it then looks like a first draft, Brian

I'm sure you don't Ros (smiley)

B.

brianedwards wrote:

Ros wrote:Not sure I see the point of skillfully crafting something so that it then looks like a first draft, Brian

I'm sure you don't Ros (smiley)

B.

Now then, you wouldn't be being patronising, would you, Brian? I'm not at all disputing the quality of LeMinh's work, but tell me why it's good to look like a first draft. Because it has a more rough, passionate quality? Surely one could achieve that without leaving in the less effective, more cliched phrases.

I have to use an old cliche here: the only way you can stop me from rewriting my poem is to take it away from my cold dead hands. As it is I view all my works as first draft. As for the cat fight, I'm not sure if I should be flattered or be aroused by it. Perhaps, if the both of you could put on a couple of blond wigs and high heels. Then I will be willing to take my video camera out of the closet.
Of course, I will have to pass this by Maya first.

Oh, I hope it's not a cat fight I was seriously interested in whether Brian felt the 'first draft' feeling was a good thing or not. Unfortunately he's obviously misplaced his wig... but perhaps we'd better not go there.