Window writes short poem about a girl

[the stranger]

Squarer than even I, you gaze undiluted
through me, as if I weren't there.

Owl-eyed you scan
your poplar-strewn street

yearning for a baggy-boy
to simply evolve -

Three years go by…

----------------------------------
Original
Squarer than even I
you gaze undiluted
through me
as if I wasn’t there.
Owl-eyed you scan
your poplar-strewn street
yearning for a baggy-boy
to simply evolve -
Three years go by…
Squarer than even I
you gaze undiluted
through me
as if I wasn’t there.
Owl-eyed you scan
your poplar-strewn street
yearning for a baggy-boy
to simply evolve -
Three years go by…

[ray miller]

It's good to see a window open itself and letting everything out for a change. I feel its pain.

[Sharra]

I quite liked this - the title made me want to read more, so thats working well.
I think my main comment on this would be that I felt the short line breaks interrupted the flow for me. How about making them longer?
Sharra
xx

[the stranger]

Thanks people.

Sharra, took your advice.

TS

[Ros]

I like it better without the repetition. Shouldn't it be 'as if I weren't there'? What's a baggy-boy?

[the stranger]

What's a baggy-boy?

You know the kind, troosers hanging off the ass showing a rim of trendy pant!

I figure the poor gal longs for some trendy pant action.

Shouldn't it be 'as if I weren't there'?

Yes, perhaps so.

TS

[Sandbanx]

Hi.... the title caught my eye too, and I have been back to read this more than once.

My only crit would be that "poplar-strewn" sounds a tiny bit cliche.

I like the possibilties offered by the last line in this one....

[PhilipCFJohnson]

It's good to see a window open itself and letting everything out for a change. I feel its pain.

Puntastic

I like this. I think it tells a lot in a short space, which is a real art!

In this stanza

"yearning for a baggy-boy
to simply evolve -"

The eye plays a little trick and I initially read "evolve" as "love" and had to do a double take. It's very clever.

Nice one,

Phil

[Mic]

This made me look twice first time around and made me smile.
Then I saw Ray's poem about stairs.

Here's my variation on the theme, it's called:

Ground writes v. short lament about feet

You walk
all over me

Liked it. Yes. Neat idea.

Mic

[emuse]

I love window poems. Love them! Rilke wrote an entire series in French les fenetres and they are quite beautiful. Look here for the link and then scroll down or search for the window series:

http://www.writing.com/main/books/item_id/1202414

Your poem is a gem. Succinct and filled with an ache in so small a package. A jewel which I would facet even further by remove that last line. I realize it's already a minimal poem but the penultimate line is the killer.

e

[the stranger]

Thanks again people.

E, will follow that link this evening, sounds perfect.

And yes, I guess that closing line hangs about rather unnecessarily.

tar
TS