Sparrows

[Sharra]

Yesterday a sparrow flew to my shoulder,
whispered his secrets, made me promise not to tell.
All day I felt his words flutter
in my throat, begging to fly free.
I was careful not to let them escape, sliding
alongside my conversations. I listened to their sounds.
Slept with them.

In the morning he came to reclaim his words.
Opened his beak in silent song whilst I exhaled,
sent his secrets from my lips.
After he’d flown, my voice echoed
around the sparrow-shaped space
left behind. I sat in silence.

I threw breadcrumbs at a lone sparrow,
hoping to coax her to me. She flapped
out of reach, refused to let me whisper
in her hidden ear, and flew away
when I reached out my hand.

Sparrows huddle close to the woman who sleeps
in the subway, hop onto her hands and feet. She mumbles
into feathers. They tilt their beaks
then lift like a shadow, carrying secrets
that no one else will hear.

[brianedwards]

Very nice Sharra, though you do force a couple of points with repetition and overstatement. I have a feeling you need more of a bridge between the lonely "I" in S3 and the subway woman in S4.

Couple of thoughts on tightening:

Yesterday a sparrow flew to my shoulder,
whispered his secrets, made me promise not to tell.
All day his words fluttered
and begged to fly free.
I let them slide beside my conversations,
careful not to let them out.

This morning he came to reclaim his words,
opened his beak as I exhaled.
After he’d flown, my thoughts echoed
in the sparrow-shaped space
left behind.

I threw breadcrumbs to a lone sparrow.
She flapped and flew away before
I could whisper secrets
in her hidden ear.

[BRIDGE]

Sparrows huddle close to the woman who sleeps
in the subway, hop onto her hands and feet. She mumbles
into feathers. They tilt their beaks
then lift like a shadow, carrying secrets
that no one else will hear.



Still thinking on your last stanza. Depends how you lead in to it, should you wish to revise that way.
Of course, as always, take whatever suggestions work for you, your voice and round file the rest. I'll look out for revisions.

B.

~

[Sharra]

Hi Brian
Thanks for those thoughts, you've made some good suggestions on tightening it.
I was trying for S3 and 4 to be separate view points - I'm thinking though that having S1 &2 linked confuses that idea. I'll think some more on this
Sharra
xx

[brianedwards]

Ahh, I see. In that case, you could consider numbered sections:

1.
S1
S2

2.
S3

3.
S4

Or separate the sections with *** etc . ..
Just a thought.

B.

~

[Sharra]

That's a good idea Brian, thanks, don't know why I didn't think of that

[El Wow!]

loved the sparrow shaped space...great thoughts....i have a robin like that....we chatter, well so i think.
super write

El

[ray miller]

I thought the sparrows were going to be explaining what's happening to them, why their numbers are diminishing.But you haven't told us what the secrets were so perhaps he did! Do sparrows inhabit subways much? I wonder if shop doorway might be better, though the lady would be colder wouldn't she?I like the poem but felt it didn't deliver all it could have.

Anyway, here's a real secret. Last night I dreamt that you gave me and my daughter a lift back from "poetry class". After a while I asked you who was driving the car, and you said that it drives itself. I said "Whaaaaat!"My daughter said, yes Dad, it's like a computer, you wouldn't understand.Can't recall the rest. Perhaps we crashed! What does it all mean?

[Sharra]

haha so I'm sneaking into your dreams Ray?
What kind of car was it?
Sharra
xx

[ray miller]

It was like a giant cardboard box with two holes at the front to see through. That, and the absence of a steering wheel, must have alerted my suspicions.

[Susan-Morris3]

Loved reading your poem, cant comment on the technicalities of stuff i don't know about. All I can comment on are the words, and I loved them. x

[Lovely]

What a beauty she is, i love her deeply friend.

Nice Sharra, and more it is you within. These gentle creatures how
i ever love them within.

Lol

xx

[Mr. Madeleine]

Hi Sharra,

What I’ve enjoyed most in your winsome poem are the kinetic verbs which create an evocative movement .It may be just me, but I’ve found the stanzas a bit too clear-cut, and I feel that enjambments over stanza breaks would enhance the flow of your poem. Some words and phrases could be replaced with ones that show more than tell, such as “refused to let me whisper”, where you could use another kinetic verb for a cinematographic visual of the sparrow.

I hope this helps. Overall, that was a pleasant, relaxing read. Thanks for sharing.

[Arian]

Hello Sharra. I liked the feel of this, though – a bit like Ray – I felt that S1 and S2 set up an expectation that wasn’t, ultimately, fulfilled. But that’s no bad thing. Predictability can make a poem a dull affair. I thought the slightly gnomic ending gave it a reflective and rather poignant air. One small point struck me as I was reading it – quite a lot use of various participles of To Fly (fly/flew/flown etc) – maybe worth changing a couple. Thanks for the read.

[Basnik]

Hi Sharra,
It made me want to pin down what the sparrows represent. I like the surreal nature of the sparrow taking back his words. Sparrow shaped hole not sure about.

Rich Basnik