Poetry Forum

Foam

My 3-year-old submerges his thin pale
body in the hot tub, head tilted back until
only his eyes, nose and mouth break
the thick antiseptic surface like an albinic
crocodile. He gently gathers himself in,
carefully wades to the side, and slowly
emerges white and sopping to leap
stiff-legged and dripping before me,
arms outstretched, grinning wildly, saying
something I can't make out over the liquid
din of indoor pools, people and waterslides.
Howling with glee he suddenly turns and
runs to the toddler pool, squats, teetering at
the edge, easing his hands into the cold
water before exuberantly lunging
belly first into it and rolling over,
laughing like a seal.

I think most people with children can relate to this write (well that is if they have taken them swimming!)

Paints a lovely picture of a child experiencing water…very atmospheric.

You have some lovely writing in here Jack. My favourite is ‘the liquid din of indoor pools’ and the detail is great, as is the crocodile image. I also really liked the ending.

However the first half of the poem didn’t feel like a swimming pool environment, at first I thought it was one of those medicinal baths you give children with eczema. I think that’s because of the word ‘antiseptic’ and the image of him emerging white and stiff legged.

There are a couple of places you could tighten it too. I’m not sure you need both ‘dripping’ and ‘sopping’. I’m also not sure if you need ‘suddenly’ in L12.

You could maybe take out the ‘ings’ and have
‘runs to the toddler pool, squats, teeters at
the edge, eases his hands’.

Although I’m not 100% sure that ‘easing’ is the right word for a toddler in this situation.

I really enjoyed the read. Thanks
Sharra
xx

This seems like an average piece of prose to me. I like the level of detail, but none of the descriptions are particularly imaginative or insightful. Kids are cute, yes, but I already knew that.

Ben

Hi, Jack. I think there's some decent writing here but I agree with Ben that it's prosey: it would read just as well without the line-breaks.

"Laughing like a seal" is excellent; I think you need more of this kind of imaginative writing and less plain narrative like "howling with glee he suddenly turns and runs to the toddler pool..." You could cut back on the adverbs - "gently", "carefully" and "slowly" connote more or less the same thing.

An albinic crocodile is quite an outlandish image, maybe just say "like a croc" instead? Like sharra I found "albinic", "antiseptic", "white", "stiff-legged" at odds with the vitality of the scene.

Welcome to PG!

o this so great! it's a delight to read!

love the way it flows - like water & the pauses purrrrrrrfect! make me purrrrr!

sorry can't give any coherent crtique - enjoyed it too much!

Hi Jack,

This is a nice snapshot. There is a confidence in your writing and I must say I did enjoy the experience. But is it poetry? Hmmm.

I agree with some of the others that there is a problem with where exactly the action is taking place. The ref. to a 'hot tub' in L2 made me think this was bath time. (I wish my local swimming baths had a hot tub.)

"The liquid din of indoor pools" is a wonderful line - there is pleasurable music in the assonance of the 'i's' and a visual appeal to the 'oo's'.

The 'stiff-legged' description works well for me. I can picture it perfectly.

The cluster of 'ing' words (frowned upon though they are!) from L12 on operate in a way that slows the read down, allowing time to really take in the scene.

This was alright this was. But is it poetry? Hmmm.

Mic

It's a pleasant read, I've no problem with the prosiness. One thing I didn't understand is what you're trying to say with "gently gathers himself in"?

A great poem, I loved it was there beside you waching your son in the pool very vivid x

Must agree with Ben and KJ, some good suggestions from KJ.

I also found your use of adjectives - rather dense, overwhelming.

Welcome!

cheers
Kris

Poem? Or prose? You could ask the same question of a huge amount of successful contemporary “poetry”. Here, the form on the page suggests poetry, so we have to accept it as that. And, personally. I think it’s a nice piece: fluent and rhythmic. I admit that, like Ben, I thought the poem didn’t deliver the insights promised by the first few lines , but it’s nonetheless evocative and well-expressed.
Thanks Jack.