Compulsive version 2

[John G]

Version 2

Remember to lock your door before you leave
but I know you’ll go back at least 10 times
to check that you haven’t left the oven on
and remembered to lock that door but I know
you’ll wash your hands at least 20 times
before you lock the door and before
you leave I bet you ensure the spines of the books
are straight and the LP’s are alphabetised and
split into sub sections of genre – ranging from
math rock to power pop to female folk stars
and you check the door just to make sure

you’ve washed your hands and check that the books
are aligned alphabetised and split into sub sections of genre
such as romance – thriller – comedy and you can’t laugh
as you check the latch then the oven –,
and then you wash your hands and you head to the door with a
nagging suspicion that you’ve forgot something that you've
been here before so you check the oven you check the door
and you check the albums and the books and that feeling won’t
go away



Version 1


Remember to lock your door before you leave
but I know you’ll go back at least 10 times
to check that you haven’t left the oven on
and remembered to lock that door but I know
you’ll wash your hands at least 20 times
before you lock the door and before
you leave I bet you ensure the spines of the books
are straight and the LP’s are alphabetised and
split into sub sections of genre – ranging from
math rock to power pop to female folk stars to big
bands of the 20’s and you check the door just to make sure

you’ve washed your hands and check that the books
are aligned alphabetised and split into sub sections of genre
such as romance – thriller – comedy and you can’t laugh as you
check the latch then the oven – just to make sure you understand,
and then you wash your hands and you head to the door with a
nagging suspicion that you’ve forgot something that you've
been here before so you check the oven
and you check the back door and you check the albums and the
books and you head to the door with that nagging
suspicion that you’ve forgotten something

[bodkin]

Hi John,

I thought the first strophe was much more powerful than the second.

I know it is the point, but the second was too repetitive for me. Or rather, I think I mean it was too much of a repetition of ideas from the first.

On he last line of S1 you have no "ed" on check...

I think the fourth genre of LP in S1 was one too many, or maybe it is just that the female folk stars is/are a better image to end on compared to big bands.

I really quite like S1 and I like the last line of S2, it's the transition between the two that isn't quite delivering.

Possibly you could develop the ideas of S2 more slowly so that they fill two strophes?

Ian

[David]

This is one of those poems where, once you've had the initial idea - and it's a good one all right - they pretty much write themselves, unless you bungle it completely. You didn't. I think it all hangs together pretty well.

Cheers

David

[Susan-Morris3]

Enjoyed your poem, think we all have a little bit of.. feeling we haven't switched the light off, locked the door etc, but we fight the urge to keep checking.
How sad this poem made me feel for the poor folk who cant stop there check check checking ....Must dash think Ive left the cooker on???

[ray miller]

What's math rock? Can't work out why you've put in the "just to make sure you understand" line.

Nice idea, well executed.

I used to get terrible ribbing 'cause I put my books and CDs in alphabetical order, but nobody laughed when I left the cooker on and blew up the house.

[John G]

David, your right this kid of wrote it self really just wanted to try and stay away to much repetition even though that is the main thrust of the poem

Susan, my wife often calls me checky checky due to my well checkiness (If that is s word, and if it isn’t I claim it as my own)

Ray, a link to a definition on math rock is now attached!!

I have very slightly edited this piece