when sleep

[LeMinh88]

when sleep

[rushme]

wow! that's quite a lullaby - minh san

it actually made me drowsy - somewhere in the middle!

raving - ranting - chanting - all components are contained here

by ganja - do you mean hashish? that's what its called in india.

the only other popular buddhist chant i know is - om mani padme hum

my interest is of a different kind - i'm just re-reading the tibetan book of the dead - fascinating!

& end of the week i'm traveling to Ladakh - my fisrt trip! really excited!

i found the end very startling! after all the raving & chanting - the end is like a clear blue ladakhi sky - high up on the mountains - in the shape of a gompa!

liked the way your lines carry the reader!

[thoke]

I like the poem at the end, but I'm not so keen on the prose at the beginning.

If I were you, I'd use the big chunk of prose as raw material, and sculpt it into something a bit more coherent.

The Maya bit is obviously a very simple idea, but I think it pretty much works. The addition of the word 'lovely' is a bit disappointing, but the other words are nice: e.g. kissable. The poem seems sincere, and looks nice in the middle of the page.

Ben

[Basnik]

Hi,

Interesting - pushing boundaries between prose and poetry etc. I like the developments from the central chant but there could be more variation and engagement with the actual meaning of the chant - it gets a bit gratuitous at times for me but it is dream-rant like so I suppose you've captured that well. The second section makes a nice Mayan temple CONCRETE wise but meaning wise not doing that much.

I've enjoyed your work.

Regards

Rich Basnik

[Susan-Morris3]

Ummmmm, Don't think I liked this at all. In my eyes, the first part was a story, the second bit, maybe a poem. The two combined did nothing for me if I'm honest. But one persons opinion doesn't make it the majority verdict.

[nar]

Hey, LeMinh.

I was certain I was going to hate this, but I didn't.

The swearing grabbed me just in time. The combo of soft/rant in the prose is nicely balanced for me.

For me, it's slightly meaningless, but that's not a bad thing in this context.

More re-reads reqd.

Cheers,

- Neil

[LeMinh88]

For a minute there, I thought this piece has put everyone to sleep, and then the insomniacs came out to play. So thanks all for reading.
rushme:
Too bad you weren't around to suggest, "om mani padme hum." You could have been L.
thoke:
Thanks for the honest review.
Basnik:
I wasn't conscious of the Mayan pyramid. My question then is what the top half?
Susan-Morris3:
Like thoke, thanks for the honest review.
nar:
I thought swearing in poetry isn't being sensitive enough. Nah, thank for sticking with it.

[Arian]

Hello LeMinh. To me, this is a good example of how a poem can depend for its effect as much on its form on the page as its actual content. I think it works quite well, but – somehow – I don’t think it would work (for me) on any level if it were conventionally ranged-left instead of (cleverly) made into a temple shape. That said, i think the repetition gives a simple sincerity to it, as well as a nice chant-like rhythm.

I’m afraid the prose front-end didn’t work for me. Thanks for the read, though.

[LeMinh88]

I’m afraid the prose front-end didn’t work for me. Thanks for the read, though.

No, no, it is I who thank you for the read and the analysis.