Two lives expressed as moments in movies

[bodkin]

Two lives expressed as moments in movies

I am that girl who sat
unmoving in the chrome/Formica diner --
rain poured on the window,
her coffee skinned over,
and a cigarette burned up
toward her hand.

I am the peasants trudging home,
mud-ice clung to rag bound feet.
They passed sullen remarks until,
in the deepest part of the woods,
a wolf howled.

More precisely, you're the assassin
before the film really began,
who assembled his rifle from perfect metal segments
behind the parapet
on the roof--

--I only do that,
because you are the housewife
alone in the old house when the lights went out,
her hands shook, she fumbled the matches,
and surrendered to fear.

We've each been a montage
of searching old files,
newspaper cuttings, dust and photos;
towards an unwelcome truth.

We're both sometimes the couple,
long at odds and throats,
who stumble from the disaster
to exchange a look of love renewed.

But one day...
we may become the hero,
surely dead,
clambering back over the cliff
to move towards the villain
and nothing will stop us,
not any more.

[Ros]

Enjoyed this a lot, Ian. I wasn't sure at first about the switch from first to third person in each verse, but I think it does work. Can you get away with 'I am the peasants'? yes, I think you can...

[Mr. Madeleine]

I've much enjoyed this interesting piece; I want that last stanza to disappear and read more. There's much potential here, perhaps rework the stanzas on each side so that it could work and as a dialogue and as two monologues. I'm thinking of Play by Samuel Becket here, which you can find on You Tube in two parts, approximately 15 minutes.

[oranggunung]

A great idea, Ian.

The pairing of “I”, “you” and “we” works nicely. The images are lovely and the pacing feels just right.

S5 is a little difficult to read. Is there more punctuation to add?


and nothing will stop us,
not any more.

This feels like repetition. Is there another way of tying this up without the use of a second negative?


Nice one

og

[Susan-Morris3]

Really enjoyed reading this, a little bit scary I thought but very well written. I didn't like the set out of it, gave me a dizzy feeling, to far apart.
But interesting, sort of liked how you popped out of the box to do your own thing

[Sharra]

There’s something about this I really like. You have beautiful clean writing in here, and I like the shift of pov in each stanza. It feels like snapshots from a film too, it’s very visual. For me S1 is the strongest – in S2 I’m not sure about ‘sullen’. Not really sure why though.

S3 – the shift to 2nd person at the beginning confused me, I could be missing something vital, it felt like it should follow the same first person as the others.

Am I right in assuming that each side is the voice of one of the 2 people in the title? And each stanza is a moment from a film representing them? If so, I don’t quite get the connection between S3 & 4 – the dashes lead me to believe they link to one another, but I don’t understand the ‘I only do that’ line. (although apart from that I really like S4).

S5 I really like, but it feels out of synch with the others. Probably because the others are all film moments, whereas this is back in real life. I would be tempted to chop that out.

I also wonder about combining S6 and 7 to one placed centrally – it feels to me that the ‘we’ is both lives, so should be in the middle as you’ve done with the last stanza.

I really liked the last stanza, it’s a great ending, but I do take og’s point about the repetition. I wonder if putting a full stop after ‘stop us’ would help that, as this would define the repetition more, make it feel more deliberate?

Sharra
xx

[bodkin]

Hi all,

Ros -- thanks. I had terrible trouble with tenses and senses in this, because each "I" is in the present, talking about a moment which is in the abstract, but probably set in the past, and possibly involving multiple people. But the overall consensus seems to be I'm getting away with it.

Hi Mr. M -- Glad you enjoyed and were interested. I wasn't sure at first where you were coming from with the Becket, but I think you mean the way each character makes statements which are about the same topic but not actually part of a conversation with the other. I did have no interaction between the two sides at first, but I did put some flow from one side to the other in in a later revision.

og -- S5, yes, I think I revised a verb out of it at some point... will revisit.

The end... maybe, will think about it. The end was odd, I was glad to be able to arrive at a definite place, rather than stopping in mid-flow or trailing off, but although I like the end it does still feel a little flat somehow...

Susan -- scary? Not what I expected but interesting. The width will depend on browser width, on paper I would just have a moderate horizontal spacing...

Sharra -- "sullen"... yes, if doesn't exactly flow does it, will think about it, probably need a monosyllable...

S3, 2nd person... the idea is they are talking about themselves, then (S3/4) each other, then as a pair (S5/6), and finally speaking as one (S7)...

S6/7 -- maybe, but it is supposed to be different in as much as S6 is one person discussing "we" where as S7 is "we" speaking...

Glad you like the end as I did have doubts... Will consider your and og's point, seems like a good idea.

Thanks all,

Ian

[Susan-Morris3]

Ahhh I see, well in that case, yes I think it would be much easier to read, and I found it scary, probably because I had that voice from the back of my head whilst reading. Deep and slow sort of mythical, I am the darkness in your soul, that haunts your deepest thoughts and spoils your dreams, sort of voice ?? if you know what i mean.x