At a Bus Stop in Pilsen

[Basnik]

The old man at the bus stop began to choke,
recovered, wiped his mouth, smiled, then spoke,
'I see you're reading Havel in translation,
for me, that is a source of fascination.
How is old England, my young friend?' His eyes
were luminary, clear as summer skies,
as if despite the white snow of his beard
the boy that he once was had now appeared.
'You know, my dad once lived in Coventry,
until he lost his spitfire in the sea.'
'My God,' I gasped, amazed, 'Poor man!' 'No. No,
It was for him an honour to die so,
our countries were strong allies in the war
and our young nation was worth dying for.'
A cough as he began again to speak
had left him looking wearier and weak;
his irises had changed, a watery blue,
more gimlet, strange, a stare that saw right through,
he saw right through me standing there, he saw
another man, a man who left for war.
His breath ran short, his cheeks now flushed and red,
a poppy red, remembering the dead.
'You left us to our fate in thirty-eight
in forty-five and sixty-eight, not Great
Britain for us, we felt a great betrayal
but worst of all was Chamberlain's portrayal
of our republic as a petty state
and telling us to cede without debate
this land on which we stand to Nazi scum -
how can an Englishman be so so dumb?'
I was quite dumb myself. I shook my head
Was I to blame for all that he had said?
'I'm sorry time had fallen out that way,'
it seemed the kind of thing that I should say,
as if I stood for Chamberlain at the stop,
and while he shook my hand he wiped a drop
of history from his eyes which burned so blue;
he was that sky in which the spitfire flew.

[Susan-Morris3]

Enjoyed your poem, interesting thoughts, and some nice lines "His breath ran short, his cheeks now flushed and red
a poppy red, remembering the dead."liked the description in that, very nice indeed, and liked "he wiped a drop of history from his eyes which burned so blue; He was that sky in which the spitfire flew. again very nice line."

[k-j]

The last four lines are superb. Generally I admire and applaud the pentameter couplets. Jolly good to see.

The hardest thing about writing in rhymed metre (I think) is doing speech. There are a few places where the voice isn't convincing: would he really say "a source of fascination", rhyme "betrayal" so conveniently with "portrayal", say "the land on which we stand" rather than just "our (home)land"? I sympathise with you but the voice has to be real.

(I'm assuming you don't have all the speech on a dictaphone...)

You could have just "so dumb" rather than pandering to the metre with the extra "so".

I thought "a poppy red, remembering the dead" was sort of overkill - maybe rejig the couplet, mention "poppy red" but without the explanation, use the extra space to add detail or whatever.

I enjoyed reading this, as with all yours.

[Oskar]

Well written. I like the dignity and spirit you've given the old fellow. Is this really based on a chance meeting in the street? Or does it represent an amalgam of conversations had with a family member? It's always interesting to discover where people get their ideas/inspiration from.

Plaudits for working gimlet into the fabric!

Having read k-j's comments, the only other possible nit that I can see is -

'I'm sorry time had fallen out that way,'

That reads a little awkwardly to me.

Nice one.

[Basnik]

Thanks for your responses.

Susan - thanks for mentioning those lines - especially the concluding lines as I was a bit worried about it getting too sentimental there. Let me know if there were any lines that jarred a little too. Thanks for your comments.

k-j - you are so right about the voice. So hard not to sound archaic. I was trying to be true to a particular English as a second language English voice as well. I think it does need polishing. You have me banged to rights with the translation / fascination I think. It was a last minute one. I just thought how does the man know the narrator is English? - I know I'll have him read a book in English and by making it Havel I could reinforce the whole nationalism theme as he was president once. Betrayal and portrayal - I know but there must come a point where striving for voice cuts out all opportunities for polysyllabic lexis - can't I have one or two? Probably not. I used the extra 'so' for emphasis - it was originally 'be quite so dumb.' Perhaps it should return.
Finally, 'a poppy red, remembering the dead' - I know it's overkill (excuse the pun) but I just feel it has phonic qualities - doubling of consonants, assonance on the e that were kind of stumbled on but I think have a powerful emphatic quality. I do see what you mean though - it's a kind of tautology.

Oskar - thanks for your comments too - I agree the line 'I'm sorry time had fallen out that way,' doesn't work. It was originally 'things' then 'fate' but it's just not quite right yet. As for the story behind this - I did meet someone when I lived in the Czech Republic who had this ambivalence about the British - he saw as allies in the Second World War but also talked at length about the betrayal his country had felt in '38. I didn't even know that much about it at the time - I just assumed we were the good guys (I was 21!). There is a recentish film about Czech pilots in the second world war called 'Deep Blue World' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0244479/ which was in the mix somewhere too. I am into narrative poems at the moment.

Thanks again all - really useful feedback

Rich Basnik

[David]

I like the sentiments and the expression, Rich, but I can't really fault k-j's criticisms. It is good to see the venerable old heroic couplet being given such a fine work-out. I'd like to see what happens if you try to redo the direct speech here.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Hi Rich, thanks for this. I confess that the vaguely Ancient Mariner-ish start made me think you were about to embark on a pastiche (nothing wrong with that, though) of some sort, but you went in another direction and came up with some really nice lines. I agree with others though, that the demands of a couplet form (or any rhyme scheme) can make a poem sound contrived and stilted, especially in speech. This does tend to show in places. All the same, I enjoyed it – thanks for posting.

[Basnik]

Hi David, Arian,

Thanks for looking in - I agree with your comments about the speech, not quite working at the moment. I'll have another go.

Rich Basnik