Soaring

[Suzanne]

Soaring


He's dizzied beneath
her canopy of blooms
woven with care when
he comes to her room.
Her fluttering wings
she's dusted off time
colours familiar
flit free in his mind.

Scent of his pollen
inviting warm hands
he ponders her wings
she silently lands.
The breath in his chest
is held as she sits
gauging his movements
quick flight, she resists.

Together inhale
sweet scent of the breeze
light touch of his hand
gentle fingers tease.
Slowly, wings open
nectar on her tongue
her flight is delayed-
and his just begun.



.

[LeMinh88]

Sounds like some sort of butterfly mating ritual or possibly bees? But does queen bee court her mate on an equal level? Of course this little ritual can also be applied to human mating ritual. After he has pollinated the flower bud, he is off again while she stays behind just like the ending of this piece. This begs the question who's really "soaring" here, the male or the female species?

[Suzanne]

LeM,
Your replies are so insightful, you often show me a different spin on my words.
It is quite delightful.
With this poem, it didn't occur to me that he was leaving her to go elsewhere, not a chance. He is cozy.

He's welcomed her landing, now she's teaching him to fly.

Thank you very much for the crit. Loved it.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Susan-Morris3]

really enjoyed this, very nicely said, enjoyable to read loved the butterfly theme, very gentle subtle writing, x

[brianedwards]

Weird. This is about a blow-job right? With perhaps a suggestion of premature ejaculation?

If I'm reading it right then it's pretty cool. If it's actually about butterflies then I'll be very disappointed . .

Some of your switches from iamb to trochee seem a little arbitrary and I'm curious as to the rationale. The language is archaic in parts, of course, but if I am reading it right than it's cheeky enough to get away with it.
Having said that some parts could be a little fresher. This line

gentle fingers tease

is especially stale. Clunky too, rhythmically speaking.

I think the first stanza is too long and you could cut most of it, get us straight to the money shot.

Sure do hope this is about a blow-job.

B.

~

[Mr. Madeleine]

Hi Suzanne,

The way this seems to want to scan is iambic/anapestic dimeter, with a rhyme scheme abcb defe; some of the rhymes are solid, whereas others are slant. I personally prefer more constancy in the use of rhymes. Same nit for the meter. The first two lines work well, but the “when” in L3 throws me off. I think it would scan better this way:

woven with care
when he comes to her room
(headless iamb/iamb/
anapest/anapest/)

My third nit is for the high number of modifiers used. I feel some pruning would make the poem better.

I hope this helps.

[brianedwards]

Hi Suzanne,

The way this seems to want to scan is iambic/anapestic dimeter, with a rhyme scheme abcb defe; some of the rhymes are solid, whereas others are slant. I personally prefer more constancy in the use of rhymes. Same nit for the meter. The first two lines work well, but the “when” in L3 throws me off. I think it would scan better this way:

woven with care
when he comes to her room
(headless iamb/iamb/
anapest/anapest/)

My third nit is for the high number of modifiers used. I feel some pruning would make the poem better.

I hope this helps.

Interesting notes. I agree it comes close to anapestic dimeter but is inconsistent, several long syllables are absent for a start.
Though in a way, part of the charm of this poem is the looseness of the form, especially, for me, if my earlier blow-job theory holds true. An insistent metrical pattern might had a certain hardness (pun slightly intended )

In your suggestion above, how are you scanning the second line? Where are the stressed syllables? I scan it as:

when he comes to her room

but that isn't anapestic. Is it?

Oh, it's been awhile since I dabbled in meter, I'm sure my understanding has gotten a little sketchy over the years. . . .

B.

~

[Suzanne]

Gosh, I have a lot to learn.

[Mr. Madeleine]

Hi Suzanne,

Yes I’ve scanned that line as anapestic: when he comes/ to her room/

Most “anapestic” meters actually are “predominantly-anapestic”, with iambic substitutions. A famous example would be “Annabel Lee” by Poe. What I would do to conform to the blow job rhythm would be to start mostly in loose iambic/anapestic with well placed caesura/stanza-breaks to create cadence (as Whitman or Ginsberg), gradually increasing the frequency of anapests, then inserting spondaic (SPON-DEE) and create molossus (MOLOSSUS) and bacchic (xXX) with well-woven strings of polysyllabic and monosyllabic words for when he spurts. Also, stages could be reinforced at the sound level: starting with liquids like “l” and ending with mute consonants (“t”) at the spurts, preceded by an increasing frequency of aspirates.

Wonderful material you’ve got here for a sound study.

I hope this helps. I’ll be following up on this

[brianedwards]

Hi Suzanne,

Yes I’ve scanned that line as anapestic: when he comes/ to her room/

Most “anapestic” meters actually are “predominantly-anapestic”, with iambic substitutions. A famous example would be “Annabel Lee” by Poe. What I would do to conform to the blow job rhythm would be to start mostly in loose iambic/anapestic with well placed caesura/stanza-breaks to create cadence (as Whitman or Ginsberg), gradually increasing the frequency of anapests, then inserting spondaic (SPON-DEE) and create molossus (MOLOSSUS) and bacchic (xXX) with well-woven strings of polysyllabic and monosyllabic words for when he spurts. Also, stages could be reinforced at the sound level: starting with liquids like “l” and ending with mute consonants (“t”) at the spurts, preceded by an increasing frequency of aspirates.

Wonderful material you’ve got here for a sound study.

I hope this helps. I’ll be following up on this