Wiki - Version 2

[John G]

Version Two

When Seth asks me a question,
[tab]I just make up the answer or[/tab]
[tab]check Wiki for the facts.[/tab]

But he's not sticking around,
[tab]for an answer or[/tab]
[tab]a misguided guess[/tab]

Hes in the garden,
[tab]selecting stones[/tab]
[tab]to keep as pets.[/tab]

The original
If Seth asks me a question
I just make up the answer or
just check Wki for the facts

But he's not sticking around
for an answer or a
misguided guess

Hes in the garden
selecting stones
to keep as pets

[Arian]

Hi John,

After several readings, I grew to quite like this. I’m not sure why (but that’s poetry for you). It seems to express a sort of pathos, perhaps frustration, at the inattention of a very young (or perhaps afflicted in some way) person. Perhaps a child or younger brother? But maybe I'm on the wrong track altogether. On the downside, I'm not sure if the technical "errors" (wki, Hes, a total lack of punctuation) are deliberate or not. If they are, I don't think they help the piece much.

Thanks for the post, though.
best wishes
peter

[Susan-Morris3]

Loved this made me laugh, could be any father mother and child. everyone who has a small child can relate to your words. that's what happy memories are made of don't you think the very best of what happiness a child can bring.
Captured a million thoughts and a thousand smiles in just a few words. x

[oranggunung]

Hi John

I like the sentiments here, but I’m not overly keen on the presentation. The poem feels much more like a draft than a finished product. Tidying the typos would help that. Removing the repetition of “just” in S2 would improve my reading, but that could be a personal thing.


a rough diamond.

og

[stuartryder]

John

I wonder if you need two "just"s in the first stanza?

Also I think it would improve the pattern of the first lines from each stanza if you dropped the initial "If".

Otherwise, neat.

Cheers

Stuart

If Seth asks me a question
I just make up the answer or
just check Wki for the facts

But he's not sticking around
for an answer or a
misguided guess

Hes in the garden
selecting stones
to keep as pets

[OwenEdwards]

Lovely little poem. Reminds me, ominously perhaps, of the TV series "Outnumbered". A hint of poignancy too - the summer of childhood.

[John G]

Cheers for the feedback.

I have made a few little amendments thanks to the suggestions.

Arian, punctuation / spelling is my Achilles heel simply because I tend to write and post these at work and time is normally of the essence so these are done with haste. Obviously this is detrimental to the overall affect and it is something I am working to cull.

Susan, thanks for the kind words. Seth is my youngest son who always ask thousands of questions then doesn’t stick around for the answers, always being distracted.

Oranggunung and Stuart, agree regarding the double use of “just” so have vanquished one of them.

Once again thanks for the feedback.