Life story (was: The secret history)

[bodkin]

(yet another revision)

Life story

This evening she could light the candle
watch thin yellow light blow a bubble in the shadows
that lurk within her room. She can already see them
crowded back in the corners;
pressed on faded purple paper;
bursting in a rush through window grime
to flood the pebble-dash.

This evening she could light the candle,
see the smoke thread corkscrew
in badly tangled air. She could stare
through the flame's tiny doorway,
imagine the bright and softer world beyond.
If that was where she orbited,
would she warm enough for life?

This evening she could light the candle,
melt chemicals bought
from the chemist in the underpass,
take the needle, steady her hand,
tattoo more shocking passages
on already annotated flesh.

This evening she will light the candle,
hold skin above the flame --
invisible ink will darken
into a story: paragraphs
for any stranger to read.

--

(revision)

Life story

This evening she could light the candle
to watch thin yellow light blow a bubble in the shadows
that lurk within her room. She can already see them
crowded back in the corners;
pressed on faded purple paper;
bursting in a rush through window grime
to pour down the pebble-dash.

This evening she could light the candle,
so the smoke thread corkscrews
into badly tangled air. She could stare
through the flame's tiny doorway,
imagine the bright and softer world beyond.
If that was where she orbited,
would she warm enough for life?

This evening she could light the candle,
melt chemicals bought
from the chemist in the underpass,
take the needle, steady her hand,
tattoo more shocking passages
on already annotated flesh.

This evening she will light the candle,
hold skin above the flame --
invisible ink will darken
into a story: paragraphs
for any stranger to read.

--

(revised end)

The secret history

This evening she could light the candle.
She could watch thin light blow a bubble in the shadow
that fills her bed-sit. She can see already
how it crowds back to the corners;
presses on the faded purple paper;
is driven in a rush through the window grime
to pour down the pebble-dash.

This evening she could light the candle;
call the wavering flame a doorway
to a bright and softer world. If she orbited that Sun
would she warm enough for life?

This evening she could light the candle;
melt chemicals she bought
from the chemist in the underpass.
She could take the needle, steady her hand,
tattoo more shocking passages
on already annotated flesh.

This evening she will light the candle,
hold her skin above the flame
watch invisible ink darken
until it tells a story anyone can read.

--

(original)

The secret history

This evening she could light the candle.
She could watch thin light blow a bubble in the shadow
that fills her bed-sit. She can see already
how it crowds back to the corners;
presses on the faded purple paper;
is driven in a rush through the window grime
to pour down the pebble-dash.

This evening she could light the candle;
call the wavering flame a doorway
to a bright and softer world. If she orbited that Sun
would she warm enough for life?

This evening she could light the candle;
melt chemicals she bought
from the chemist in the underpass.
She could take the needle, steady her hand,
tattoo more shocking passages
on already annotated flesh.

This evening she won't light the candle,
but she could hold skin within the flame
watch invisible ink darken
for everyone to read.

[oranggunung]

Hi Ian

I like the different directions you take the first three stanzas. There doesn’t seem to be much link to the title, though. “The Secret History” seems rather generic.

What’s going on at the end? There’s no lighted candle, but there’s still a chance to use it? This came as something of a disappointment. I was looking for some source of light or power from the “she”. This feels more like "A Dark History". Perhaps I’m a romantic, but I was looking for something uplifting at the end.

og

[J.R.Pearson]

Hello Bod, everything here really works except the last S.....it lacks an immediacy....it's like well she could do this but you'll never really know if she does. My thoughts are this:

This evening she holds skin within the flame
& watches invisible ink darken
for everyone to read.


Feels like a stronger ending, eh?
Enjoyed,
JR

[John G]

Ah the joys of heroin!

Don’t know if the title works simply because it doesn't appear the addition is secret - you mention

tattoo more shocking passages
on already annotated flesh

which indicates her addiction is visible rather then hidden - that is unless she covers her arms in a threadbare jumper, like most sterotyped addicts.

Enjoyed the read though.

[bodkin]

JR - agreed, see rewrite....

Og - Mainly I just wanted not a precise repeat of the first line in the last strophe, in going to won't I was trying to imply "but if she did she could..." but I guess I failed.

Yes "secret history" is generic but my mind went blank...

John - I didn't want it to be directly about heroin, but I wanted the reference to heroin. e.g. I was trying to explore the idea that the story of her life was a dark secret, which she was sort of chronicling but keeping to herself. And that story has bad consequences, such as the drug-abuse reference... And how there was the hanging possibility of her revealing the story sometime (developing the invisible ink) but that that would be a major and painful upheaval...

Thanks

[Basnik]

Hi,

I thought this had some interesting lines but could be a bit tighter in terms of form. The first stanza has an interesting conceit but the details of bed-sit, window grime etc put her in quite a generic place. The second line is really long and with the spondees of 'watch thin light blow' feels overlong. the verbs 'crowds' then 'presses' need more of an event than 'driven' to justify a 'rush.' But the idea of light bubbling out of the window is strong and could work well.

The second stanza, hmm, I like the conceit again but it feels underdeveloped. The question form seems judgemental here, a bit of a didactic tut-tutting - I know you're not being judgemental but it holds her up as a sad specimen. The third stanza with 'the chemist in the underpass' is really strong and the way the imagery of writing, tattoing and drug use correspond works well, although I have come across it before.

If I seem a bit over-critical it's only because I do like this but wanted more! I think the big problem is that a mysterious story left untold is a bit unfulfilling for the reader who wants something more substantial than the elliptical.

regards

Rich Basnik

[bodkin]

Hi Rich,

Thanks for this detailed analysis, it's very useful...

Hi,

I thought this had some interesting lines but could be a bit tighter in terms of form. The first stanza has an interesting conceit but the details of bed-sit, window grime etc put her in quite a generic place. The second line is really long and with the spondees of 'watch thin light blow' feels overlong.

Interesting, I see what you mean but for me reading the line aloud it works, there's a steady emphasis across those four words and then it proceeds to the end.

Hmmm, let me just try to get my head around the feet:

She could watch thin light blow a bubble in the shadow

or even:

She could watch thin light blow a bubble in the shadow

I'm undecided here, I could fairly easily tweak those four words but I feel they work for me, so... undecided.

the verbs 'crowds' then 'presses' need more of an event than 'driven' to justify a 'rush.' But the idea of light bubbling out of the window is strong and could work well.

I see what you mean, I did have "pour" but considered it too neutral a word. I could move to it "and bursts" instead of the passive "is driven"... or I could tone down "rush" (although to go as far as, say, "ooze" is too much the other way...

The second stanza, hmm, I like the conceit again but it feels underdeveloped.

I had trouble with this bit, I wondered about dropping it but I thought I got to the needle a bit too fast...

The question form seems judgemental here, a bit of a didactic tut-tutting - I know you're not being judgemental but it holds her up as a sad specimen.

Interesting because that wasn't quite what I meant. It wasn't supposed to be the N asking whether she could warm enough, but her own slightly desperate speculation. I could insert "herself" to make that clear?

The third stanza with 'the chemist in the underpass' is really strong and the way the imagery of writing, tattoing and drug use correspond works well, although I have come across it before.

If I seem a bit over-critical it's only because I do like this but wanted more! I think the big problem is that a mysterious story left untold is a bit unfulfilling for the reader who wants something more substantial than the elliptical.

So wanting more was mainly a reaction to the end? I often criticise arbitrary ambiguity in poems, so I hope I wasn't doing that. I was trying to convey how her story would have an impact on everybody if she were to "develop the invisible ink" and reveal it...

but I think I didn't quite manage to say that. Is that the sort of thing you wanted adding? Or were you thinking of more actual plot... because I'm not sure how I would do that, unless she did the obvious thing and died. And I didn't see here as so far gone...

Thanks, I'll see if I can incorporate some of your observations in a rewrite, maybe tomorrow evening...

Ian

[Basnik]

Hi again,

Thanks for your consideration of my crit. That second line does read well, you're right and could operate with different stresses as you indicate. Perhaps it's just on the page it looks unbalanced. Personally, I would omit the 'She could' from the beginning - it's already in the first line, although you may want that there for emphasis. I think the cut would create a more concise compressed feel. The judgemental thing - I see what you mean - it's coming from her, although the rest had been 3rd person. I know with a free indirect style we can pop in and out of heads without signalling but it wasn't set up, I felt, so that's why my interpretation was that it was the narrator.

Finally, I think there's a big difference between a kind of wilful obscurity and a meanigful gap in poetry and I don't think you were guilty of the former. In fact, it wasn't the future I wanted, it was more a backstory, a motivation for her action, unless there is no motivation beyond the craving which is fair enough, happens.

Regards

Rich Basnik

[bodkin]

Hi Rich,

Coincidentally I was just finishing a rewrite. I have taken on much of what you say, although not with the back story, I'm still unsure how I would do that, although I could hint at some other darker events, abuse, crushing poverty, crime...

I'll bear that in mind. See what you think with what I have so far.

Thanks,

Ian

[Basnik]

Hi,

Like the first stanza a lot more now - 2 quick suggestions: I would lose the 'to' so the second line would start with a verb like some of the other lines, and use 'flood' rather than 'pour' for the last line of that stanza. Liked the second stanza, all bar 'orbited' sounds too active (even though it doesn't have to be); how about 'found some peace.' or something more gentle.

The final stanza is great - overall a really strong poem now, I feel. It has more control, distance, that works really well with the subject matter.

Rich Basnik

[Ros]

Greatly improved, I think, bod, esp. the second verse. Could perhaps still jiggle a little bit with the last two lines.

Ros

[bodkin]

Hi Ros and Rich,

I've made some tiny tweaks. After some deliberation I lost the "to" on S1 L2 as per Rich's suggestion.

And I didn't like "flood" until I also deleted the "down", now it's working well I think.

I also put a more active "see" on S2 L2.

I thought about "orbited" but no other word seems to combine the qualities of consistency and passivity, e.g. words like "wander" are too random but words like "travel" are too active...

I thought about the last two lines again, Ros, but couldn't find a rephrasing that remained nicely succinct.

Ian