When We Fall in Love

[J.R.Pearson]

When We Fall in Love

I promise to sing the tongues
of vampires with four clarinets ringing
the sunset clean. I'll dazzle you with my extensive
knowledge of mineral water. I'll explain touching lips
a random lottery of near misses & tragic
escapes. Promise: disambiguation of the synaptic
structure in the roar of Joan of Arc's
burning stake. 3 things you'll simultaneously understand:

1). Backward whispered secrets & cellulose
trust in a true spark.

2). The hidden Akashic sigh in the smell of death.

3). A drop of blood sunset dawning over your iris,
all careful like a spotlight's perusal of brick & barbwire.

I'll explain why, when you see this page,
you'll only read "Casanova" & kiss me
over a curtain of eyes.

[David]

Well, I rather like this, if only for the fact that the language is lively and surprising. It possibly tries too hard in that respect - why would you sing the tongues of vampires rather than their songs? - but that's not an unattractive failing.

My only real reservation is that it seems to be in the line of modern poems that proceed by way of striking but (to me, at least) unconnected statements, as though there were a whole school of poets who had been told that the secret of their art is "Only disconnect". I don't agree, I think the result is often just flashy and superficial, but I am a bit of a stick-in-the-mud.

I don't necessarily think this particular offering is flashy and superficial. It's just that, liking it but not understanding it, I can't be sure it isn't.

I enjoyed the ride though , while it lasted.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Hi JR.

I liked the rhythm of the first phase of this, JR, and many of its lines have an interesting, and sometimes exciting, ring. I particularly liked:

four clarinets ringing
the sunset clean.

and

A drop of blood sunset dawning over your iris

Unfortunately, though, while I felt that every image should mean something to me, none of them actually did: I couldn’t deconstruct any of them, or piece them together to form any kind of coherent narrative whole. That’s not, I know, necessarily a bad thing – a poem can be read for its music, its sonics, its sense of atmosphere – lots of things - with or without clear “meaning”.

But, I guess I’m a bit of a traditionalist. And while I enjoyed your piece for its original, and unorthodox, conjunctions of words, I’m afraid I failed to connect with it at a semantic or emotional level.

But never fear – I very often miss the point of pieces. There are other, more delicately tuned, ears on here who may pick up on what I’ve missed.
Look forward to more of your stuff!

Cheers
peter

[juliadebeauvoir]

Hi JR,

I was drawn to the title because I am a hopeless romantic ever interested in the inner workings between two people. Especially from the point of view of others--I always like to see what other poets think of love. I concur with David that I am also none too keen on 'modern' forms of poetry. I am not into slam and don't especially like formatted poetry in the shape of a tear drop. I do fall for the sentimental (which is seen in my own work) which others on the forum might dismiss as sap. So to each his or her own.

The one thing that really stands out is the use of "&". I find it distracting. I also found that the word visuals bordered on sounds or words that were like the scratch of a record or fingers on a chalk board--mostly soft and hard sounds of 'k'. Vampires singing with clarinets, tragic, Arc, stake, spark, Akashic, and brick.


From a female perspective these are not things I would associate with love--nor barbwire. It was like opening up a Valentine and shards of glass spilling out. If this was some cathartic attempt at purging an old love out of the wreckage then I think it would have resonated instead of seeming like a word exercise.

Of course, this is only an opinion. Each artist brings their own experience and feelings to their work, sometimes at the expense of the puzzled viewer. It is kind of how I feel about Jackson Pollack...I am an artist and cannot 'get' what he was doing as 'art', lets say in comparison with Van Gogh, Rembrandt or Da Vinci. But I can respect that many people are enthralled by what I view are his 'splatters'.

I'll explain why, when you see this page,
you'll only read "Casanova" & kiss me
over a curtain of eyes.

I thought this the prettiest verse--the curtain of eyes. There is something tender in kissing your lover's eyes.

As far as form is concern I would remove 'blood' as I feel it might be too trite. It echoes the vampire theme but doesn't do anything for your poem.

Cheers,
Kim

[twoleftfeet]

Hi JRP,

I particularly liked:

I'll explain why, when you see this page,
you'll only read "Casanova" & kiss me
over a curtain of eyes.

and also:
A drop of blood sunset dawning over your iris,
all careful like a spotlight's perusal of brick & barbwire.
- although it did strike me as being somewhat out of place in a "Love" poem.

However the middle section -
Promise: disambiguation of the synaptic
structure in the roar of Joan of Arc's
burning stake. 3 things you'll simultaneously understand:

1). Backward whispered secrets & cellulose
trust in a true spark.

2). The hidden Akashic sigh in the smell of death.

- completely lost me, I'm afraid. The images are firework bright, sound wonderful, but try as I might I couldn't pin any of them down, let alone tie them in to the poem.

I enjoyed the ride but I'm disappointed that it didn't take me anywhere
Geoff

[Lovely]

Blatvatsky, eh?

One great Mystic: in the best sense. You want to write deep, but take Her knowledge in first please.


The... secret doctrine, Isis Unveiled, Letters to my Master, Deep is this Light,

The stanzas of Dyan, Questions and Answers...please don't forget to......

The love and light, To a nightingale, Deep moves this Ocean,

this lady can write.

I do hope you don't mind me saying a word about 'Her' here.

Dave

[Sharra]

I tend to be a little cynical when I see a title like this, but I was agreeably surprised. It felt a fresh perspective on a love poem, which is great to see. I think that opening line is fantastic and really made me sit up.
I agree with the others though that it feels a little disconnected. I don't have a problem with disconnected images, but usually when they work, they seem to add something to each other, or 'feel' connected even if they aren't very obviously. These didn't really.
There felt a little disparity between the imaginative language and the more mundance '3 things'. Again the language as well as the images felt a little out of synch.
I think the numbers add to this feeling too, I wonder if you need to both actually spell out that you are telling us 3 things, and then number them also?

For me the strongest lines are the first 4 and the last 3, although I think the images of 'backward whispered secrets' and the 'drop of blood sunset' are great too.

I liked this a lot, just feel it needs a bit more polish
Sharra
xx

[Marc]

Very interesting . I concurr with much of the above. Thought it started off very well - love the clarinets ringing the sunsets clean - and then the contrast with the almost jokey mineral water expertise. Also the touching lips; random lottery etc all v. good.But after that it becomes more sonic and disconnected and, whilst I may be missing the point, I think it has the feel that you are trying too hard..... Rein it back a little and could be very good. But certainly interesting as it stands!
Marc

[David]

Who was that masked man? Hi ho Erato, and away!