The Dream Ticket

[ray miller]

The train will be late and all seats taken,
there'll be an explanation of sorts:
snow or leaves upon the tracks,
a man with suicidal thoughts.

But we'll pay little heed to that
in stewing elbows, hips and laps,
the stench of sweat, tobacco breath
and yesterday's kebabs.

I'll think of Crime and Punishment
amidst the swirl of coughs and sniffs,
how perched upon a precipice
with one square yard in which to sit

submerged in fog and desolate
a man would choose life over death
were it to last a thousand years.
I'll knit my brow and hold my breath;

if there were space to swing a wrist
I'd slap my face and shake the press
of humankind hatefully close
sustaining us in uprightness.

What if the centre does not hold?
My eyes will misadventure past
the dandruff fallen on a back
to semblances in blackened glass,

to ghouls assembled in a pack
that haunt the flanks of memory.
I'll stare them out of countenance
and close my eyes in reverie

as stations swallow passengers
and apparitions evanesce,
we'll colonise a corner seat
and close ranks in togetherness.

We'll write our names on window stains,
messaging through murkiness;
we'll make believe we're stranded on
this train without a terminus.

Our hands and fingers interlock
and eyelids hanging heavier;
draw the venom, kiss me clean
and dream us through millennia.

[Marc]

Excellent Ray, good meter bounces along nicely. Good lines for me were:

But we'll pay little heed to that
in stewing elbows, hips and laps,

amidst the swirl of coughs and sniffs,

the dandruff fallen on a back

We'll write our names on window stains,
messaging through murkiness;

all good. I'll come back later when (if) I've thought of some negatives!

Marc

[Ros]

Enjoyed very much, Ray. Little confused about 'and apparitions vanish, '- is that because they are now sitting on the seats and not appearing through the windows?

I think in some cases you've sacrified line breaks to rhythm:

My eyes will misadventure past
the dandruff fallen on a back

better as

My eyes will misadventure
past the dandruff fallen on a back

and partic

we'll make believe we're stranded on
this train without a terminus. - really needs the on on the next line, I'd think.

also

I'd slap my face and shake the press



I reckon the centre fell apart some time ago.

[Marc]

i read it as apparitions vanishing because the passengers on the train were alighting at the stations - hence their reflections were vanishing from the window/mirror.

as stations swallow passengers
and apparitions vanish,

marc

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Ray,
I've read this through a few times, but still feel there is something I am missing: perhaps because I'm not familiar with Crime and Punishment?'

I particularly liked the vividness of V2 and the novel use of "misadventure" as a verb.

Now the minor nits -
I stumbled over "HATEfully" in this verse, which I felt needed to be read as "hateFULly":
if there were space to swing a wrist
I'd slap my face and shake the press
of humankind hatefully close
sustaining us in uprightness.
- also I felt the idea of swinging a wrist sounded a bit ..er limp in the circumstances..
Whatever, I'll bet your wife reckons you could do with a good slap .

Nice one
Geoff

[rushme]

dream ticket.....mmmmmm......if this is your dream ticket it has shades of kafka, eliot & the existentialist ethos.

picture of nightmarish eternity!

i like the dostoevsky touch!

the writing is very controlled - great closing lines:

draw the venom, kiss me clean
and dream us through millennia.

[ray miller]

Thanks Marc, you're right, apparitions vanish as passengers leave the train.

Ros, I shall always sacrifice line breaks to rhythm because the great God of Rhythm demands it. I'd maybe agree about "stranded on" but not the others.

Geoff , we all feel there's something you are missing, we all do.Reading Crime and Punishment is something everyone should do.I've a bit of a fascination with suicide, not my own, but I've known a lot of people, successes and failures, the mental machinations...
It's kind of meant to be an imagined train journey to Siberia.
hateFULLy, yeah.

rushme, shades of Eliot? Where's that? I suppose I'm saying that "nightmarish eternity" can be borne with a loved one.

Thanks all

[rushme]

the stench of sweat, tobacco breath
and yesterday's kebabs.

reminded me : of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels - from eliot's prufrock

don't ask how the mind jumps - but jump it does - i think you should be pleased!

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

raymiller,

Beautifully constructed poem, The tone is consistent with the theme and for the most part, the meter is flawless. The language is creative, and my favorite verse appears below, as it brings back memories of a Criminology course I took when I was in College.

I'll think of Crime and Punishment
amidst the swirl of coughs and sniffs,
how perched upon a precipice
with one square yard in which to sit

As for critique, the only thing I can offer is with respect to the line "submerged in fog and solitary." If you compare this line to your other L1's in the poem, you will see it is out of meter, as the other L1's are written in basically iambic tetrameter.

"submerged in fog and solitary." On its own "solitary" is not a problem, but if you look at the first lines in the other strophes, the syllabic count is off, and slows down the read a bit in that verse.

***I think a word like "desolate" or something similar would work better, and salvage the meter. This is just an opinion. You have poetic license.

Compare the two strophes now.

submerged in fog and solitary
a man would choose life over death
were it to last a thousand years.
I'll knit my brow and hold my breath;

submerged in fog and desolate
a man would choose life over death
were it to last a thousand years.
I'll knit my brow and hold my breath;


Best,

Tamara

[Arian]

Good stuff, Ray. Strong imagery and good solid rhythm, except in a couple of places (e.g., the hatefully line, yes). Is it me, or does the whole of S8 break the scheme (though consistent in itself)?

I didn’t get the trip to Siberia thing at all. I had it as a sort of Kafkaesque commuter journey, acting as an allegory for the grisliness/pointlessness of life. As it were. Kind of.

Anyway, Rushme is spot-on with that Eliot reference – it struck me, too. As did

submerged in fog and solitary

bring to mind the "yellow fog that rubs its back...etc", from the same Poem.

Anyway, I enjoyed it.

Cheers
peter

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

if there were space to swing a wrist
I'd slap my face and shake the press
of humankind hatefully close
sustaining us in uprightness.

***The stress is on "hate" (1st syllable) rather than the second syllable, and this is why the iamb doesn't work.

There aren't too many synonyms to replace hatefully that don't present the same problem.

How about something like the following. Just an opinion, Ray.

if there were space to swing a wrist
I'd slap my face and shake the press
of humankind malignly close


The word is spelled correctly, I don't know why there are red dots beneath it.

Best,

Tamara

[ray miller]

rushme, I love Prufrock and I've tried to approximate that style on a few occasions, though this wasn't one of them.I am pleased, of course, thank you.

Tamara, I thought solitary might be picked up on. You presumably use all 4 syllables when pronouncing. I say soli-tree, 3 syllables. My wife does too, and she's a lot posher than me. That said, I changed it at the last minute from solitude to solitary, I don't recall why. But I like your suggestion, desolate, it seems to encompass place and mood. So thanks for that.
As for hatefully, I like it like that!

Peter, yes S8 is weakest and went through numerous permutations to arrive where it is.There's no reason anyone should pick up on Siberia, it's just what I had in mind.It's intended to show the grisliness of life but not the pointlessness. There is a point!Thanks.

[Sulpicia]

Hi Ray
Lots of things I liked about this: the half-rhymes, 'swing a wrist'; not so sure about 'in stewing elbows'. I get the 'stewing' and the 'elbows' but I'm not sure how well they go together. S8 has a different rhythm from the rest - reckon it still needs some thought. But enjoyed the overall concept and effect very much.
Thanks for the read.
Helen

[Lovely]

Your eyes tell me Ray, this is mean and nice.

Lord of unforgiving love...

what a bed to lie upon

[oranggunung]

Hi Ray

The metre is neat and the imagery most captivating.

I was a little confused by the use of ‘we’. There isn’t really any explanation of the term. It seems to be used generally (as in all people), but then again as travellers on the train (presumably more specifically). By the time I got to:


we’ll occupy a corner seat

I wasn’t sure if this was referring to a specific pair or a number of individuals.

The last 2 strophes appear to show yet another gap in my reading. I couldn’t understand the imagery and allusions here. Clearly ‘Crime and Punishment’ should be on my Xmas list.

This is a lovely poem to read. The metre works well for me, most of the time. Like Geoff, I’m not sure I’m arriving at the right destination.

og

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

ray wrote:

Tamara, I thought solitary might be picked up on. You presumably use all 4 syllables when pronouncing. I say soli-tree, 3 syllables.

***That's right! I forgot the English pronunciation, although when I first came to this country I used to say straw-bree and now it's straw-ber-ry.

My wife does too, and she's a lot posher than me. That said, I changed it at the last minute from solitude to solitary, I don't recall why. But I like your suggestion, desolate, it seems to encompass place and mood. So thanks for that.
As for hatefully, I like it like that!

***No problem! If you like hatefully, keep it. After all, you have poetic license. Either way, I love your poetry.

Best,

Tamara

[David]

Is it me, or does the whole of S8 break the scheme (though consistent in itself)?

Yes it does, as does L4 of S2. And yes, believe me, it does matter.

But not too much, because it is a damn fine thing, Ray. It has a nice dark seasonal feel.

Cheers

David

[ray miller]

Sulpicia, thanks. Maybe I should have stewing armpits? Yes, the eighth verse needs rewriting. Again.

Lovely, thanks. Has there ever been a happy miser? What would unforgiving love taste like? Yesterday we tried a new mattress.

og, thanks. The "we" refers to a couple, clinging to each other for dear life.Crime and Punishment is one of the great books. The links between this poem and it are only tenuous, really.

Tamara, thanks again.

[David]

Ignore me, would you, you wretch?

[Lovely]

I like it ray. I do.

Lovely, and your shapings are sweet

yet books are a dull and endless strife...

you have spoken well here though

[ray miller]

David, not ignoring you, our paths crossed.I'm thinking on verse 8. I know nothing of kebabs, to be honest. Does it make it any better or even make sense to say shish or donner kebabs? What stupid questions I ask!

Lovely, take no notice of me, I had a bad head day.But all is a dull and endless strife if you let it be.

[ray miller]

I've amended the offending verse 8. Now you can tell me you preferred the original.

[Sulpicia]

I like it! Brings forward the more upbeat ending a bit, but I don't think that matters.
Helen

[Suzanne]

This is a great poem, Ray.
It is different from your usual voice as it has a bit of melancholia in it.

You writing is always interesting but this is more so in that you have included as softer side of you than usual. You are always empathetic in your writing, even when unhappy, but this poem offers some hope.

The images are clear and the ending section is great. You have done well to show the contrast of the environment and the internal perception of the man whose fingers are interlock. I loved the words, draw the venom, kiss me clean.

Great,
Suzanne

[Arian]

Good changes, ray. The only bit that jars for me now is S1, L2. It has an extra syllable (compared with other L2s) which trips me up.
How about, e.g. "We'll be given reasons of sorts", or similar.

cheers
peter