Poetry Forum

The Yellow Line


Rain pulls me to the platform edge,
deceives with opal rust
and onyx ballast.

Men in hard hats retreat
into a language of hands
on which my safety hangs.

Carriage by carriage they clean,
I guess— the smells
suggest an alcoholic.







~
ORIGINAL

Rain tricks me at the platform edge
with opal rust and onyx ballast.

Men in hard hats retreat
into a language of hands
on which my safety hangs.

Carriage by carriage they clean,
I guess— the smells
suggest an alcoholic.







~

Brian

Might this be about the Circle line on the tube? That’s yellow on the maps.
Or a “mind the gap” marking? It all seems most mysterious.

I’m having trouble working out why one might need a hard hat to do a cleaning job, even if it’s on the outside of a carriage.

I perceive this as a romantic perspective of an everyday event, yet can’t coalesce the disparate images into a satisfactory whole. Perhaps an explanation will follow ...

og

I was thinking of the line along the edge of the platform, but isn't that white?
And what's the danger? In the rain, of accidentally stepping off the platform? Of getting onto a train that isn't going anywhere?
The last bit confused me, too: at first I wondered whether there was a person fallen on the track, or dead in the train. That might do it as a reading, I guess.
It sounded nice, but didn't communicate that much to me.
cheers
Helen

I don't live in the UK.

B.

The Yellow Line

Rain tricks me at the platform edge
with opal rust and onyx ballast.

Men in hard hats retreat
into a language of hands
on which my safety hangs.

Carriage by carriage they clean,
I guess— the smells
suggest an alcoholic.

***My take is this refers to Japan's rust belt, an industrial area. Perhaps the hardhats are reinforcing the railways, and in the process, gravel is raining down on those standing on the platform, you in this case. I know Japan was working on a fast speed rail, so maybe it's under construction or being reinforced in case of an earth quake, or similar. Or, this may be happening during an earthquake. The Yellow Line is the Safety Line beyond which no one should stand. Japan is the gold standard for the yellow line, because unlike other countries their yellow line is much further back, and this prevents people from accidentally falling onto the tracks.

Maybe the hardhats are cleaning each carriage to free it from debry from the earthquake. The "hands" reference by the hard hats may be telling you to stand back, because you're too close to the danger area.

Japan has opal mines, and they are building styrofoam dome homes around them. These are supposed to prevent rust.

The line I don't get is the last line "smells suggest an alcoholic." Since styrofoam is a type of plastic, and an environmental hazard, perhaps they are dissolving the styrofoam with ethyl acetate (nail polish remover), and then cleaning this up with alcohol. Not sure.

So, your last line, "I guess the smells, suggest an alcoholic" would make one think of a drunkard, but in fact the alcohol is what is cleaning up the styrofoam.

I'm probably way off, but that is my take.

I like the way this poem was constructed, and if my analysis is half-way correct, I can't offer any constructive criticism. I'm probably incorrect, but at least I made an attempt.

My favorite line was the first, I find it to be beautifully constructed, and very poetic.

"Rain tricks me at the platform edge
with opal rust and onyx ballast."

Best,

Tamara

Ha, Brian you beat me to it - I read this earlier and was going to point out that you were probably not referring to our rail system...

Still it's cryptic nonetheless. Tamara's comments may be very perceptive - I'm impressed by her knowledge of opal mines covered by styrofoam houses -sounds kind of teletubby-ish to me!

I assumed the yellow line refers to a police type cordon around an accident scene. Possibly this is a drunk under a train, maybe accident, perhaps suicide. They could be cleaning the outside of the train (of blood etc?) hence normal external protective gear... Not sure how the rain tricked the writer at the platforms edge...

Ah, if we could but know; however the wise owl will say nothing. Confucius-like he will smile knowlingly to himself while we blunder for answers....his mantra is "Meaning is overrated, Grasshopper" to which I reply: Oh bollocks, Brian, tell us if we're on the right track (pun intended), pleeeease?!
Marc

Enjoyed this one. The only part I didn't think fitted so well was the 'I guess'. The last verse seems a little flat after the images of the first two.

I think I can see the meaning well enough but I won't annoy you by discussing it!

Ros

I think the 'I guess' plays quite a complicated tonal game, a sort of callous shrug from the onlooker - which both draws in and alienates. I still think it needs to give away a bit more in order to get more impact, but it would be a shame to lose the tightness. The Japanese context certainly helps with the gesticulation - and reminds me of the tendency to have endless uniformed workers busily engaged in nothing very obvious.
Helen

I've read this 7 or 8 times and still find it fairly impenetrable. On this occasion I don't think the language lifts it out of the fog. I thought the yellow line referred to vomit stains on first read and I've found nothing any more supportable than that!

I guess it's one of those occasions when meaning is subordinate to sound. And I think it sounds typically good. I particualarly like S2 (both sound and sentiment).

Cheers
peter

Thanks for all the input. I'm glad it has provided you all with much musing, but it's really not so complex or profound, just a wee sketch and, as Peter hinted at, an attempt to create sense through sound.

B.

~

I have posted a revision. A slight change to the opening, which I think might open the door a little wider?

I'd appreciate any further comments.

B.

~

I didn't have a problem with the earlier concept, but I think I like the new one better, and it is slightly clearer.

In a bit of a rush, but on first reading I felt that, if "tricks" erred on the side of obscurity (which it didn't for me), then "pulls" errs on the side of the prosaic. It tends to flatten the sound, to my ear. But it might grow on me, will return to it later.
cheers
peter

Well, it's later, and I've re-read a few times. Verdict still in favour of original, I'm afraid.
peter

I'm with Peter on this. I don't really think the amendment significantly opens the door and I preferred the language of the original.
Marc

Keep it cool and keep it clean ... get rid of 'opal' and 'onyx'. Also, rain doesn't 'pull' anything. You have a snapshot railway platform poem in the making -- pull (never mind the fuckin rain) things into focus!

Nollaig Shona,
Bren

Thanks chaps. Not sure the revision works either.
Bren, pull might be wrong I agree, but not for the reasons you suggest. Without opal and onyx the poem becomes a poem about a train platform and it isn't that.

Thinking on . . . .

B.

~

Oops, back to the fuckin text ... but i thought? Never mind what I thought ....

For me this leapt off the page (screen?) when read aloud, I love the sounds you have going on here. It felt though that it stopped halfway through...
Sharra
xx