Poetry Forum

Lily wakes up prematurely
make-up lipstick powder nose

Lily pads and prowls the lounge
pirouettes expensive toes

Lily looks askance at laundry
socks and knickers decompose

Lily puts her records on
harmonises talent shows

Lily works upon her smile
wearing pantomimic clothes

Lily taps and points her feet
at the apostolic rows

Lily snaps her fingers - snap!
the lads adopt a slavish pose

Lily disses little sister
scratches hisses bruised egos

Lily chats on MSN
emoticonic overdose

Lily is beside herself
third person singular she goes

wow! Wow. I hope this is a real person, it would be such a honor to have such a poem written for you. I will come back but this took my breath away delightfully. I had to tell you now. Suzanne

Fantastic, Ray. Brilliant. Not a thing wrong with it. This could only be written so convincingly by a father of daughters.

I love it.

Cheers

David

Unfortunately, Ray, I can't find a single thing to complain about.

I presume "lily pads" was deliberate - it had me at sixes and sevens until my grammar chip re-booted.

The big question is - Does Lily approve of this poem?

Nice one
Geoff

Suzanne,thank you.It's written about my all-singing, all- dancing daughter, who is 15 tomorrow.

David, thank you so much. I'm not keen on the last 2 words "she goes", but couldn't think of anything better.

Geoff, thanks. Lily's response when she read it was to declare, rather ruefully, that she hadn't yet learnt how to snap her fingers properly. She's a scream.

Very nicely done, Ray. Good use of anaphora and sustained rhyme. Several excellent lines - particularly liked emoticonic overdose.

Good stuff, enjoyed it.
peter

Peter, thanks again. You didn't really expect me to know what anaphora meant, did you?

emoticonic overdose

Brilliant line, Ray, just dazzling.

Very much enjoyed.

- Neil

ray miller wrote:You didn't really expect me to know what anaphora meant, did you?

Actually, I thought it was you who taught me what it meant. No? God knows where I got it from then.
cheers
peter

Neil,thanks. Made me laugh out loud, and I'm a melancholic, you know. Top marks.

Peter, nope, never heard of it before. Probably someone posh like David. Or Ros, she knows everything.

An energetically affectionate and amusing tribute. My favorite lines are:

Lily looks askance at laundry
socks and knickers decompose

and the final couplet - which I like very much.

Michaela

ray miller wrote:Neil,thanks. Made me laugh out loud, and I'm a melancholic, you know. Top marks.

Peter, nope, never heard of it before. Probably someone posh like David. Or Ros, she knows everything.

It's one of those jars the Romans kept wine in, isn't it?

Michaela, thanks. I'm not too keen on the last line, actually, but there you are, takes all sorts.

Ros, is it? One that they kept refilling presumably?

Hi Ray
I loved it too, and thought the last couplet worked really well: she stands out, she's one of a kind and you can't pin her down. My daughter's already a bit like that, and she's only three. (What's the emoticon for wry grin?!)
Just one brief quibble: I know it will make the rhythm less tight, but shouldn't it be 'pirouettes on expensive toes'?
cheers
Helen

Couple of tiny nits: the line ending with "and" and, same as Helen above, not sure how one would pirouette their toes . . .
That aside, a very solid write. Is it me, or is your voice getting really strong lately?

B.

~

very cat-like ballerina image:

Lily pads and prowls the lounge
pirouettes expensive toes

if a cat can be ballerina-like!

love the closing line:

third person singular she goes

Helen, thank you.Thank God there is only one of her kind. I think I can get away with pirouettes expensive toes -the toes turn too!

Brian,thanks, get the old tutu out and try pirouetting without turning your toes. Hurts, doesn't it?
Probably the tablets changing my voice.I've tried embracing different styles, if that's not too grand a way to put it, and I get a surprisingly positive response. Often what I think is poor gets applauded, I'm a poor judge! Thank you.

rushme, thanks. A ballerina can be cat-like, though?

yea...sure!

what a treat it must be to have a daughter!

that's the great feeling conveyed in your lines - like the way you've repeated the lovely name - lily! & great title too!

Well done Ray, inspired summary of teenage daughter.
My only nit is based upon my own 15 year old daughter who never wakes up prematurely and generally needs a raised voice to extract her from her pit!

Marc

rushme, I've 5 daughters, it's not so much a treat as treatment I'm in need of.

Marc, thanks. Lily gets up half-hour before everyone else in order to apply the paint etc. Which is fairly ridiculous as she's extremely pretty. She also eats like a horse and never gains an ounce.

5 daughters wow! ha! that must be fantastic! absolutely fabulous! i can't imagine!

you must be a very brave man! totally fearless!

Brilliant fuckin conception ... good on ya!

Trouble is, you've got a few weak rhyming stanzas trying to keep this ball in the air.
Some are better than others, you know that yourself!
Editing stuff you've sweated blood over is the hardest part of writing poetry, but ... but it has to be fuckin done whether you like it or not. You know what to get rid of, do you need me to write back and tell you? No, you don't.

Bren

rushme, when I've got my hard hat on and earphones in I am totally fearless.

Bren, Yes I do! Yes I do! Yes I do!

No, you don't. You know yourself!
(I'll tell you, anyway, if you insist)

I don't know myself. I know nothing, I am from ....and you know that you want to really. Yes you do!