Poetry Forum

Woman must play, it seems to me;

Romance as damned currency.

Not simple lust as at first thought;

That blind penchant to maul her taught,

But gleens staid motivation true,

To put or take a hand to you.

She renders even linguists base

With furrows gorged across the face;

And glazen, incandescent eyes

Do flummox man, more shy than wise.

Such gentle form belies all sense,

As manufactured fancies tense.

So suppled are our fingertips:

Warm repititions from her lips.

Oblivious to us she skips,

On sleek formed pinions from those hips.

As primordial balance tips

Can we, as men, resist such trips?

Rhyme dominated this one too much for my tastes, too much said too awkwardly.

My opinion.

- Caleb

Hi there TarkovskyMirror....Welcome to the forum .

You have opened up what I call a can of literature worms,To rhyme or not to rhyme that is the question? I have reaqd you piece and picked out some good lines;Although I agree with my friend Pseudonymous I think rhyme if used haves to be placed very carefully and cleverly I have used rhyme many times before now but same as you used to much,I still have used rhyme but rhyme that is accepted and not over done.

I think your piece struggled somewhat with the over use of rhyme.
Try writing a piece that does not rhyme so much see how you feel then,Hope this helps Thomas...

The rhyming issue aside I thought there were some fantastic lines in this.

"Romance as damned currency." has a wonderful darkness to it that I would personally have liked to have seen developed a little more. But that really is just my personal taste, a little baroque.

"Do flummox man, more shy than wise" is a great line that delivers more on second reading. One of those lines that creeps in unnoticed into a poem then surprises you. Flimmox is a word I imagine a lot of poets would steer clear of but it works really well here, quite impressive.

SF

agree with Soundless Fall on expanding on the darkness of the piece, although I personally think it's good to see poets rhyming once in a while - doesn't hurt anybody!

my favourite line was probably "Such gentle form belies all sense, As manufactured fancies tense" - just very neat and concise.

well done, i liked it