Time thickens like soup days congeal
hours lost minutes rendered useless
and long forgotten, we made plans.
Days wasted half aleep or half awake?
hazy thoughts fade into dreams
and dreams confused with memories.
Autumn again those coupons I saved
still on the fridge untouched,
unwonted, unused gathering dust.
Summer
hey Rob,
If I can call you Rob.
I think it could use a bit more punctuation and some shrinking.
Time thickens like soup; days congeal.
Hours lost, minutes rendered useless;
[cut "and long forgotten," seems redundant] we made plans.
After "Days wasted half aleep or half awake," I don't know if a question mark is necessary.
"confused" should be present tense.
In the final lines, delete either "untouched" or "unused," both make it repetitive.
(Deep breath) However, don't let this nitpicking fool you. I thought it was a good poem. Simple and elegant, I like the idea of a wasted summer. Keep them coming.
- Caleb
If I can call you Rob.
I think it could use a bit more punctuation and some shrinking.
Time thickens like soup; days congeal.
Hours lost, minutes rendered useless;
[cut "and long forgotten," seems redundant] we made plans.
After "Days wasted half aleep or half awake," I don't know if a question mark is necessary.
"confused" should be present tense.
In the final lines, delete either "untouched" or "unused," both make it repetitive.
(Deep breath) However, don't let this nitpicking fool you. I thought it was a good poem. Simple and elegant, I like the idea of a wasted summer. Keep them coming.
- Caleb
Last edited by pseud on Sun Aug 07, 2005 5:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.
-
SoundlessFall
- Posts: 16
- Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2005 9:56 pm
There is a underlying sadness to this poem. The imagery brings to my mind a feeling of thick summer days that drift past unused like the coupons on the fridge. Only to find one day it is too late to cash in those coupons.
Great read
SF
Great read
SF