Gazelle, Giselle

[RobertFlorey]

Please do look up Anna Pavlova,
the ballarina, for the full story of this piece.

Gazelle, Giselle

Gazelle was beautiful and shy.
I saw her moving in the woods
alone, elegance against
the roughened bark of lodge-pole pines,
graceful as Pavlova.

Dressed in transverse tiger stripes
alive before the mossy greens,
she stared with deep intent
at covert things I could not see;
her fey ear caught what I did not.

She rose upon her ballet toes,
dilated eyes ranged the woods,
twigs snapped and she was gone away
so suddenly—
I thought I heard the vacuum

.............clap.


.

[brianedwards]

Please do look up Anna Pavlova,
the ballarina, for the full story of this piece.

Before I read the poem, can I just say: "No! Absolutely not"

B.

[David]

We've been here before, Robert.

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=6032

Nothing wrong with that, necessarily, although it is a little odd. Just saying, that's all.

I commented last time.

Cheers

David

[brianedwards]

This reads like the work of a beginner to me. I think it would be better suited to the other board.
For a poem about gracefulness the lines are just so heavy, loaded down with modifiers, abstracts and heavy handed poeticisms. I'll point them out if you like.

Suddenly is another word on my list, by the way.

B.

~

[rushme]

great description:

Dressed in transverse tiger stripes
alive before the mossy greens,
she stared with deep intent
at covert things I could not see;
her fey ear caught what I did not.

you've caught the mood & the moment very well.

loved the last line:

I thought I heard the vacuum

.............clap.

you've captured the fey - ballerina-like quality of the gazelle rather well.

this reminds of a poem - butterfly - by an indian poet - altho the styles are very different - capturing the essence of these fey creatures is no easy task - the reason why i'm reminded of this particular poem - hope you won't mind me quoting it here:

Butterfly

by Arun Kolatkar

There is no story behind it.
It is split like a second.
It hinges around itself.
It has no future.

It is pinned down to no past.

It’s a pun on the present.
Its a little yellow butterfly.
It has taken these wretched hills
under its wings.

Just a pinch of yellow,
it opens before it closes
and it closes before it o

where is it?

[Arian]

Some nice descriptive work, here, I think. I particularly liked both the rhythm and imagery of “...the roughened bark of lodge-pole pines,” and the idea of “ballet toes”.

For me, though, the problem is that this is all the piece seems to have: description. It functions only at that superficial level – it has no allegorical intent (as far as I can see), nor does it (to my ear) claim, or even imply, any broader insight – it’s just an occasionally pretty piece of description. There’s also other places where the descriptive work seems a tad tired or clunky (beautiful and shy, saw her moving, gone away etc).

Still, I’m happy to accept that this view of a poem (the need for something below the surface) is just a personal thing. Others will disagree - in fact, they already have, as I see it was pretty well received on its first outing.

I also think, that – although he put it in his own straight-between-the-eyes way – Brian makes a fair point: urging people to read more about a poem (either before or after they’ve read it) is a hopeful exercise, to put it mildly. Anyway, the piece should really stand on it’s own two feet, shouldn’t it?

Sorry to hit you with all these negatives, Robert - not intending to be unhelpful, just calling it as I see it. I'll look out for other pieces from you.

Cheers
peter

[twoleftfeet]

We've been here before, Robert.

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=6032

Nothing wrong with that, necessarily, although it is a little odd. Just saying, that's all.

I commented last time.

Cheers

David

So did I, Robert

This reads like the work of a beginner to me. I think it would be better suited to the other board.
For a poem about gracefulness the lines are just so heavy, loaded down with modifiers, abstracts and heavy handed poeticisms. I'll point them out if you like.

Suddenly is another word on my list, by the way.

B.

~

I think that's a bit harsh, Brian, but on the plus side your LIST is growing, albeit pitifully slowly.

[ray miller]

i liked the lines " she stared with deep intent at covert things I could not see." I've never thought of an ear as being fey and still find it difficult! Not sure what you're saying at the end.

I think Brian's remarks are more than a bit harsh, I find them rude and arrogant. I'll point out which bits if you like.

[brianedwards]

I apologise wholeheartedly for any offence caused to the author.
I honestly think this poem is below standard for this board, and it does neither the site nor the author any good to entertain such work in an arena for supposedly serious and experienced writers. In my experience as both writer and teacher, novice writers benefit from a softly softly approach;professional writers do not. That is why I think this poem/ author would be better served in an arena that offers such feedback.

Nevertheless, I accept that I am in the minority (as is often the case) and my opinions are too often offered in a tone not appropriate for this site.
I'll take them elsewhere and wish you all the best.


B.

~

[David]

Now then Brian. No flouncing. You know we'd miss you if you really left.

It's not my place to defend Ray, nor do I think he needs defending, but I wouldn't mind betting that his tongue was at least half in cheek.

Cheers

David

[twoleftfeet]

I apologise wholeheartedly for any offence caused to the author.
I honestly think this poem is below standard for this board, and it does neither the site nor the author any good to entertain such work in an arena for supposedly serious and experienced writers. In my experience as both writer and teacher, novice writers benefit from a softly softly approach;professional writers do not. That is why I think this poem/ author would be better served in an arena that offers such feedback.

Nevertheless, I accept that I am in the minority (as is often the case) and my opinions are too often offered in a tone not appropriate for this site.
I'll take them elsewhere and wish you all the best.


B.

~

Brian,
If we all thought alike then there would be no point in having a Forum, would there?

You know you love it here, so stop messin' about..

One has to be pragmatic - I realise that there are very few who can write poems like wot I can,
So I'm about to turn professional : I will STOP posting if you all pay me
(Reasonable rates, PAYPAL accepted)

[ray miller]

No, my remarks weren't made with tongue in cheek. No, I don't need defending. Poetry ain't an exact art, Brian is a fine writer, his remarks about the quality of this poem are at variance with those of other fine writers(and Geoff).It's about opinions but now and again Brian is wont to express his opinions with too little regard for the feelings of others.Experienced or Beginners may be deserving of different kind of feedback but it should be delivered constructively and considerately, I believe.That said, I've no desire for Brian to leave the site as he is a fine writer, his insights are often sharp and illuminating and I'd miss his lame attempts at Comedy.