Poetry Forum

I've finished with the cigs, she says, I marvel
how she managed it; a forty- a- day
inveterate, a Marlboro-mad
maverick who craved not only nicotine
and the repertoire of motions from hand to mouth
and back again essential to devotions,
but had augmented the habit
to flatten flames that burnt within
by applying lighted fag-ends to the stubbornness
of skin;to steady flight and cushion
fall, to obviate oblivion
and moderate mercurial that can't
be curbed by Lithium. She caught me glancing
at her arms for pale uneven patches,
rolled her sleeves and turned
the palms, her burns exchanged
for slashes;the scars of broken beer glasses,
scores of jewelled and jagged edges,
brooches, blades and coloured
plastics, crampons spiking every crevice.
At the weekly self-harm classes they will sterilise
the weapons with a sigh at further damage
and an eye upon infections:
"I like my sexual intercourse without
using protectives!" She always was a maverick
and declines the antisepsis for the thrill
of fraying fabric and the joy
of jagged edges.

A day in the life, eh? Very graphic, Ray - I especially liked the expression and driving rhythm of lines 2-10. Very good use of internal rhyme, too – within/skin, patches/slashes, sigh/eye etc.

For me, the rhythm of the 2nd half doesn’t have the momentum of the 1st half, and I’m not convinced by the repetition of jagged edges (I think you get away with maverick, because they're separated and it completes the circle). Also, I had a mini problem with

obviate oblivion
and moderate the terminals

which is a bit clunky and obscure for me. Also, I’d prefer to see new sentence at “I marvel” in L1.

But these are minor points in an otherwise strong and edgy piece. I enjoyed it.

Cheers
peter

Very powerful, Ray.
The driving rhythm really socks it to the reader.
The glass isn't half fully or even half-empty - it's smashed and being used to self-harm.
The irony of giving up smoking is well handled.

I have a couple of small nits:

To steady flight and cushion
falls, to obviate oblivion
and moderate the terminals that can't
be reached by Lithium.

1) AS it stands it's not a sentence - the capital "T" (to) needs to go and to be preceded by a comma or colon to link to the
main sentence. (IMHO)
2) I think "termini" would be better than "terminals" IMHO, assuming I've got the meaning right.
I know "terminals" can mean the same thing, but it has other meanings (PC screens, electrical connection, deadly)
that might confuse the reader.

Great read
Geoff

strangely i'm looking at this like a painting - in the neo-realistic style - portrait of a different kind of lady - masochistic, sadistic - all the scars, burns, slashes etc standing out in bold relief.

very painfully graphic & jagged.

can't say that i enjoyed it tho.

You have a marvellous way of telling a story and capturing a character. Like others I find the sentence structure and phrasing here somewhat clumsy:

To steady flight and cushion
falls, to obviate oblivion
and moderate the terminals that can't
be reached by Lithium.

Ros

Peter, thanks. There seems to be a strong consensus about obviate oblivion etc. so I'll have another go at that.For me, it gets even worse at"turned the palms revealing burns exchanged for slashes" loses the rhythm.

Thanks Geoff, you're correct about the capital T.

rushme, thanks. I thought I were actually quite constrained, could have been much more graphic, believe me.

Ros, thanks, that's a nice compliment.

This lady "is real". It's become a common policy nowadays to provide chronic self-harmers with clean instruments. She didn't actually say what I've ascribed to her.She said summat like: It's like putting the anorexics in charge of the dinner menu. She's very droll.

.

I think this works very well as it is. It flows beautifully and the rhyme scheme works well. You manage to convey the shock of the situation without milking it for effect.

Changing ‘terminals’ to termini would terminate the rhyme with ‘falls’


.

Yes, Geoff is right, there is a good driving rhythm throughout. Oddly enough - unless it's just my dodgy ear acting up again - it seems to shift from mainly iambic to mainly trochaic at about the halfway stage. Like crossing the equator, and the water starts to drain in the opposite direction.

Nice try to disguise the essential nature of the poem. It's basically tetrameter, just not arranged like that.

Good stuff, as ever.

Cheers

David

Thanks Raine and David. I was trying to give the poem jagged edges, audibly and visually. Pathetic, isn't it?

Ray,
You are getting so very very good.
How is it coming along with the mp3 recording idea? I would so love to hear you.
Because you are a strong character with a clear voice it is difficult to give ideas about word flow as I know from my own experience that when poems are read aloud by the author, they take on so much more depth. There are a few words tha tI would take off or leave in but, if i heard you speak this.. I am guessing they would sound differently than what is in my little head.

This was strong and graphic and icky. Well done.
Your growing talent is inspirational.

Suzanne

Suzanne, thanks ever so.The rhythm stutters in a couple of places and I'll try and amend that.At the moment the recording isn't happening because I'm daunted by the technology and need to get some advice.I'm much more stupid than you give me credit for.

ray miller wrote:Suzanne, thanks ever so.The rhythm stutters in a couple of places and I'll try and amend that.At the moment the recording isn't happening because I'm daunted by the technology and need to get some advice.I'm much more stupid than you give me credit for.

At this point, I was hoping to be able to take the mickey, but I'm in the same boat.
When you suss it out, Ray, let me know. I don't even know what mic to buy

Oh, I shouldn't buy a mic, Geoff, just take it like you usually do.