Petrol station situation

[Marc]

He joked with her
across the car roof
while he fiddled with the keys.
Under his arm a road atlas.
He with his shirt tails
hanging and her
in a winter coat.

She laughed a slight laugh
and looked down,
waiting for the catch.
Happy to be going
somewhere together.

On a cold forecourt
I only saw their smiles
and envied their youth.
I didn't wonder where
they were heading.

Instead
I turned my key,
blinked as the sat nav
awoke,
and wondered
where I was.





Marc

[rushme]

sure sign marc that you're growing old!

'envied their youth' - how old are you? 90 or something?

latest scandal in india - an indian politician in his eightees was caught on tape carvorting around with not one not two but three naked ladies - jokes & poems are going around about him:

In fairness, all should give you a big hand,
But your bosses took an uncompromising stand.
Tis unfair when your performance so grand
Should merit applause and not a reprimand.

sorry marc i'm totally digressing - i think i'm also suffering from a one track mind like ray!

but coming back to the poem - you've caught the moment well - as if on camera - with the lens of your eyes - a tight close-up! this wasn't a dream was it?

[rushme]

sorry to be quoting the wrong thing at the wrong time - marc - the mail was so full of that stupid guy so it just kind of came out.


really liked the lines:

On a cold forecourt
I only saw their smiles
and envied their youth.
I didn't wonder where
they were heading.

it has a kind of wistful pathos.

[Arian]

Hi Marc
This has a melancholy, slightly rueful, air to it, and I identified with the sentiment, but I’m afraid it doesn’t work for me as a poem. It's perfectly well written, grammatical and articulate but (a purely personal thing) it doesn't have any of the (my usual, boring and conventional refrain) attributes that differentiate it from prose (barring line-breaks). I know, I know. I can hear you sighing, a la Brian. But that’s me, I guess. I’m prepared to bet I’m in a minority of one.

That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy the reflection though – I did. It’s just that I’d have enjoyed it just as much if you’d have written it out in a conventional paragraph.

All the best
peter

[Raine]

I find myself agreeing the the previous post. The tale is interesting enough, mildly pensive even, but for me the telling doesn't come across as particularly poetic.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Marc,
You've imbued an everyday moment with significance by showing us what it made you think and feel.
If that resonates with the reader - job done.
Sure, it's a tad "prosey" but, since, it is succinct I don't have a problem.

Maybe replace one of the "wonders" ?

Enjoyed
Geoff

[Marc]

Aah, prose v poetry... What is the answer? Come to think of it - what exactly is the question?
Most of what I write tends to an even meter and a rhyme scheme (eg 3 of the last 4 proferred: Christmas Gift; Rocombe Lake and Cnut raises his hand), but I'm always being told to drop rhyming words, shorten lines by taking out words that help the rhythm, and generally undo the structure in favour of a blanker verse. Here is a piece of blank verse and you're telling me it's too prose-y! I need Brian to ride to my defence on this one...

But thanks all anyway - valid points... The 'wonder' twice. Kind of deliberate: the young lover wondering and me likewise, but it could be changed for sure if it's too obvious...

Marc

[Marc]

Oh and bollocks I've just reread it - this is clearly a poem!!
I think, anyway...

Marc

[Ros]

Marc, by blank verse I think you're meaning free verse (blank verse being iambic pentameter of course, and highly metrical, which this is not). I guess the test here is to take out the line breaks and see how 'poetic' it feels:

On a cold forecourt I only saw their smiles and envied their youth. I didn't wonder where they were heading. Instead I turned my key,
blinked as the sat nav awoke, and wondered where I was.

So in this section I think I have to side with Peter somewhat - you have a wistful air, and the double meaning of heading and 'where I was', but not much else poetic going for it - no original metaphor, similie, sonics, assonance, alliteration...

But enjoyable, yes!

Ros

[Arian]

If that resonates with the reader - job done.

Well, it’s a view, Geoff, it’s a view. Not sure I can go along with it, though.

Anything, in any written form, could resonate with the reader. Which means, by your definition, anything, in any written form, could be poetry.

That’s fine if you want to go that route. But it begs the question: if anything can be poetry, why have the word at all? Why discriminate between the forms of literature in the first place? Why not just lump it all under the heading (for example) “writing”. There’s no poetry, just writing. To my mind, saying everything can be poetry is to degrade both the term and the art/skill of poets generally (us, we like to think!).

Sometimes, I reckon, we have to protect the boundaries. We have to be prepared to say something is, or isn’t, poetry. It doesn’t much matter where you draw those boundaries, we can have fun arguing about it (that’s the point of the forum), so long as the boundaries exist in your mind. To claim, don’t worry folks, it’s all poetry, seems to me to sidestep the issue and eliminate the possibility of debate. It also eliminates the art form. Everything’s a poem, QED.

Now, Geoff, I know it’s (a) a hoary old chestnut, and (b) off-topic, but you waved a red (or claret and blue) flag, so you’re probably not surprised to find a bull charging at it.
All the same, I agree with you that I liked the sentiment of the piece. Anyway, I’ll shut up and, in the words of another great commentator, get my coat.

Cheers
Peter
PS, sorry about the rant – it might help to know I got a parking ticket today – outside my own house! Grrrr.

[twoleftfeet]

If that resonates with the reader - job done.

Well, it’s a view, Geoff, it’s a view. Not sure I can go along with it, though.

Anything, in any written form, could resonate with the reader. Which means, by your definition, anything, in any written form, could be poetry.

That’s fine if you want to go that route. But it begs the question: if anything can be poetry, why have the word at all? Why discriminate between the forms of literature in the first place? Why not just lump it all under the heading (for example) “writing”. There’s no poetry, just writing. To my mind, saying everything can be poetry is to degrade both the term and the art/skill of poets generally (us, we like to think!).

Sometimes, I reckon, we have to protect the boundaries. We have to be prepared to say something is, or isn’t, poetry. It doesn’t much matter where you draw those boundaries, we can have fun arguing about it (that’s the point of the forum), so long as the boundaries exist in your mind. To claim, don’t worry folks, it’s all poetry, seems to me to sidestep the issue and eliminate the possibility of debate. It also eliminates the art form. Everything’s a poem, QED.

Now, Geoff, I know it’s (a) a hoary old chestnut, and (b) off-topic, but you waved a red (or claret and blue) flag, so you’re probably not surprised to find a bull charging at it.
All the same, I agree with you that I liked the sentiment of the piece. Anyway, I’ll shut up and, in the words of another great commentator, get my coat.

Cheers
Peter
PS, sorry about the rant – it might help to know I got a parking ticket today – outside my own house! Grrrr.

Crikey, Peter
All I did was express an opinion. There was no intention of flag-waving - honest!
I also said that I thought the piece was a little prosey, but I'd be hard put to express why in words.
(I'm sure I must have posted "poems" that have been equally or more prosey than this)
Happily my head is not filled with rules, or Brian's list of proscribed words, or how many metaphors or adjectives (or the
lack of) make for a "good" poem, or (and this is my pet hate) where the line breaks should or should not fall.

Geoff
Sorry to hear about your ticket. Appeal against it.

[Marc]

So, Peter got a parking
ticket. Outside his own
house.
Geoff says he should
appeal,
not take it meekly (like a
mouse).
I say it's not how you park,
it's how you
feel.




EJ Thribb (age 48 and a half....)

[Arian]

Geoff - I'm blushing here. What came over me? God knows. Not my usual style. Absolutely no offence intended - as you say, you just expressed a perfectly valid opinion. A bad-hair day, I'm afraid. Apologies, if it came across wrongly (I must learn to use those damn emoticons!).

Marc - yes, very ironic. Like it.

cheers
peter

PS - Appeal? Yes, may do, but probably a waste of a stamp - they got me bang to rights. Only three minutes over, but three minutes, I guess, is three minutes. No grey areas. No poetry in parking enforcement.

[twoleftfeet]

PS - Appeal? Yes, may do, but probably a waste of a stamp - they got me bang to rights. Only three minutes over, but three minutes, I guess, is three minutes. No grey areas. No poetry in parking enforcement.

Yeah, but what makes us all go spare is the fact that it's not about parking management; it's about raising CASH!
My neighbour got done, parking outside his own house, because his car was 6 inches outside the bay and
thereby theoretically blocking access to ..er his own property.

[Arian]

Yeah, but what makes us all go spare is the fact that it's not about parking management; it's about raising CASH!
My neighbour got done, parking outside his own house, because his car was 6 inches outside the bay and
thereby theoretically blocking access to ..er his own property.

You're right, Geoff. In fact, my own neighbour had a similar experience - such stories are legion. When the revolution comes...

All the best
peter