Poetry Forum

I am lost among the days
of nights and nights hungry-
hungrier for warm
to cover my mouth with taste
and taste that belongs to me
that stays

or colored blue inside a star
to faint in love
and love
to move around my hair
that kisses my eyes

stares me awake forever
keeps me blind
and blind so that I could see
love and again

I am lost among the days
painting the colors on my face
red lips-white of nights

while the moon is moving
moving quietly love


Golden*

Hello Golden -

Welcome.

My opinion is: the weakness here is that the whole poem is centered around love - something almost indescribable, (or, infinitely describable as the case may be). This makes the poem kind of hard to follow; it doesn't touch me, the reader.

And....

"stares me awake forever
keeps me blind
and blind so that I could see
love and again "

^this stanza seems too confusing.

It has strengths though. The repetition is not over-done, and the end really grew on me. This has potential I think.

- Caleb

I like the end-one-line-begin-the-next repetition, and the gentle, murmuring, assonant tone of the poem - "taste / stays", "love / move", "days / face".

I'd complain that this poem was vague, unfocused, nebulous - but so is love, oftentimes. I think it's a pretty good way of approaching such an intangible subject.

"Blind so that I could see" is a bit of a cliché I think.

I think you could do a contrasting companion piece to this which would be all bones and bodies and in general the underbelly of love. I like it, but as it is, without some kind of anchor, it just drifts out of mind like a leaf on a stream.

Thanks for posting.