Poetry Forum

After two decades of remission
she insisted that none of her children
should gaze on her body when dead;
the hair loss was always a problem,
and who was to know if a wig
were created fire retardant
or suitable for cremation?
She'd a morbid fear of mockery
and wouldn't have liked to enquire.
As if by way of compensation
she bequeathed us a thoughtful poem:
"Only a mother..." I think it began,
heart-wringing but poorly written;
bringing tears to the eye at first reading,
and eventually mere irritation.
My brothers and I bore the coffin;
she were never a biggish woman,
still I struggled under the burden.
When my father died the old house was sold,
we made twenty grand each as an outcome.
There was talk of a lavish holiday
and adding to our property;
we paid for four pallbearers
from the Co-op funeral parlour
and I wrote him better poetry.

ray - i cannot understand who's coming to terms with death - the parents before they died or the children? & how actually?

Its a story cooked in loss--with an edge. I can see very clearly that the parents came to terms (such as the mother writing her own poem) and the children also, each in their own way. Some children were consoled in part by the inheritance and the writer by giving his father a better tribute--something from the heart.
Ray, its not your usual style but I enjoyed it.

Cheers,
Kim

Liked it.

Perhaps ironic that you do mock her (all be it slightly/fondly) what with her "morbid fear of mockery" an' all.

The following lines stood out for differing reasons:

She were never a biggish woman - You seem to slip into a local vernacular here? "she were" whereas there isn't a sniff of that throughout the rest of the poem, a wee niggle I know, but it just stood out, to me anyway.

still I struggled under the burden. - The double meaning ways heavy here (in a good way) almost onomatopoeic...

Loved the ending, a pleasure to read.

cheers
Kris

rushme, it's me coming to terms with death, the death of my parents. How? By writing about it, observing the little things that get overlooked, taking the wider view that the passage of time allows.

Kim, it was meant to have an edge, as you say.I think I'll remove the bit about property and holiday. It's unfair.
I have found, though, that since my father died I'm able to tackle, to write about, things that I'd previously have steered clear of.

Kris, yes, I do mock her a little."were never a biggish woman" -it's not local vernacular, nobody in Birmingham talks like that. It's my affectation. I've become fond of saying were instead of was, I like the way they talk up north. "I struggled with the burden" - much can be read into that, but it is literally true, also. I couldn't believe how heavy the coffin was, though none of my brothers felt that. I began to wonder if my mother weren't doing something to spite me!

Thanks all.

I thought this was a great read Ray.
When I lost my parents, I too found it very theraputic to write "the little stuff" down. Ya know, the stuff that only you shared. I got great comfort from it.
Even though I were 42 when my second parent died, I felt like an orphaned child, lost.
I like the way you have handled it, with just enough humour.
Thanks for sharing.
By the way, I once went to an open day at the crem (sick I know), and it turns out that all thats ever left is the fake hips and gold teeth.

ray - some lines that jarred - for me:

and who was to know if a wig
were created fire retardant
or suitable for cremation?

we made twenty grand each as an outcome.
We paid for four pallbearers

but i suppose that's just me

since there was nothing explicit about coming to terms - i was just wondering - 'taking the wider view that the passage of time allows' - i suppose that's it.

This is good, Ray. I had no problem understanding what you were saying. Agree with camus that the she were doesn't seem to fit very well with the rest. You've changed the ending, haven't you? Can't remember the exact last line but I think I thought it was good, better than the replacement which is a bit prosaic.

Ros

Nothing to crit Ray.

The tone for me is just right - between that love and affection we mostly have for our parents and that slight irritation at their oddities and frailities.

I like the way the poem theme runs through this but doesnt overwhelm it.

As an observation do you think it could do with some breaks, some white space to let the poem breathe a little. I dont know how i would break it though.

elph

Ray

I admire the way you're extending the scope of your poetry. I think it's a well written story with some really strong personal insights, especially the lines about your mother's wig.

A couple of nits - it reads like prose to me and, like others have already mentioned, your use of 'were' I found to be an unnecesarry distraction. You say it's an affectation. Doesn't that work against the essential honesty of the piece?

Regards

amberleaf, thankyou.I notice you have the "were" habit also.They have open days at crematoriums (crematoria?)?! And people actually visit? I'm intrigued, what do they show on these open days?

rushme, you mean jarred metrically. I like the wig lines but the ending isn't how I really want it. I'll try again.

Ros, thanks. The original ending was this:
They planned a lavish holiday
or adding to their property;
I paid for four pallbearers
from the Co-op funeral parlour
and wrote him better poetry.

I'm not happy with either version!

Elphin, thanks. You're probably right about the line breaks. It would involve too much messing about now, though.

Oskar, thankyou.It's meant to be an unadorned poem, or prosaic, if you will!
Using "were" rather than "was" is something I do in speech now and in writing. It's kind of naturalised, so no, I don't think it makes the poem inauthentic.

Lol, I know, can you believe it. It weren't my idea to go, I was dragged along by a pal. I found it quite interesting. Got to check out the ovens, what gas mark you're cooked on, how long it takes, etc. Even had a look at the left overs, you know, false bits. At least I now know what happens once the curtains are drawn. Not the best day out I've had, but hey, it were summat different.lol.

amberleaf - you've got me wondering now. If they're having Open Days, like schools, are they also in competition with other crematoriums? Do they have catchment areas? Do people move homes merely to book their final places at the crematorium of their choice. Are there league tables? There's a poem, perhaps several, in this.

Lol,
If they do have competitions with other crem's, what sort of offers could they do? Three for the price of two, Buy one, get one free. Mind, you couldn't try before you buy could you. Lol.
Oh yes.There's a few poems in there I think.

Suppose one gets into financial difficulties, do they have a Fire Sale?

That’s funny that Ray.
I wonder, if you’re financially embarrassed, can you strike up a deal with them. You supply your own black bags and duck tape, and they could keep your vital organs, and sell them on the black market.
I wonder also if they would let you bunk in with someone. Worth asking lol.

This is funny, ironic, awkward, sad, and thought provoking. So, some of it is smooth, some stumbling. It's quite a lot like life really! I like it very much.

Thank you so much, Raine, funny, ironic, awkward and sad - I can't hope for greater compliments.

I feel sad. You never know what it is to love and loose to love and loose eh? I am sad.

This is never cheap poetry. You are a very good writer indeed; but somehow I feel let down
but I guess you're taking off in your way, eh?


thanks for the heart You

Thanks Lovely, though I'm not exactly sure what you're saying. The poem was meant to convey the things that Raine said it did.