Poetry Forum

(rewrite as per Ray's suggestion)

The villainess

She always wears her leather suit
when breaking in to steal the jewels.
She's focussed only on the loot.

To hide the fact she's more astute
than all the weak and lustful fools
she postures in her leather suit

and curls her hair to make it cute.
She takes deep breaths to keep her cool,
maintains her focus on the loot

and doubles-back to lose pursuit,
then checks her face, takes certain tools
from pockets in her special suit

and justifies her great repute
for mocking all the normal rules
by swiftly getting to the loot.

She throws the guard a flip salute,
then saunters past. He starts to drool.
She knows he'll see the skin-tight suit,
for years after she's fenced the loot.

--

(previous revised final strophe)

She throws the guard a flip salute
strolls past, carefree and casual;
knows he'll recall the skin-tight suit,
years after she has fenced the loot.

--

(original final strophe)

She throws the guard a flip salute
and saunters past while he just drools --
he only saw the skin-tight suit --
and she's away with all the loot.

--

(orig)

The villainess

She always wears her leather suit
when breaking in to steal the jewels.
She's focussed only on the loot.

To hide the fact she's more astute
than all the weak and lustful fools
she postures in her leather suit

and curls her hair to make it cute.
She takes deep breaths to keep her cool,
maintains her focus on the loot

and doubles-back to lose pursuit.
Now checks her face, takes certain tools
from pockets in her special suit

and justifies her great repute
for mocking all the normal rules
by swiftly getting to the loot.

She throws the guard a flip salute
and saunters past while he just drools --
he saw only the skin-tight suit --
and she's away with all the loot.

Great. I loved it.
I wonder if in "and doubles-back to lose pursuit.Now checks her face, takes certain tools" you could lose the full stop for a comma and replace "Now" with "then" just to keep the momentum.
"focussed only" "saw only" it'd be more natural for me to have those words the other way round, especially the second example.

Yes, very good, Ian. Villanelling it up now, are we? Very lah-di-dah.

My only quibble is that, somehow, the last stanza just seems to run out of steam, which is a pity after the high-energy fun of the rest of it. Not sure what it is - and saunters past while he just drools - maybe limps a bit, but on the whole, great stuff.

Cheers

David

Ray thanks for these suggestions,

I have spliced the sentences as you said. I did consider that when I was revising before posting, but I was put off by the two "and"s left in the sentence...
...but I think in retrospect that doesn't matter -- good call.

I have changed the "saw only" as you said, for the change in meaning between "focussed only" and "only focussed" seems a little too different, so I left that one. PLUS maybe she deserves more formality than a mere bit-part guard?

Thanks!

Ian

Hi David,

I've been intrigued by the idea of doing a villanelle but always struggled for the subject...

then this idea for a horrible pun struck me...

I see what you mean about the end. I will think about it but I may have painted myself into a corner with finding "ools" rhymes.

Ian

Should win prizes just for the title. I think the revision is an improvement. It's so hard to get a sense of progression with these weird repeating forms, but I think you've managed it here.

Ros

Yes, a cunning title and an excellent read that maintains a brisk pace throughout. It reminded me of a '60s caper film. You really know how to press the buttons. You also seem to like to test your ability to write within the confines of poetic forms. I reckon you can tick this one off as successful. Hats off to you.

bodkin wrote: see what you mean about the end. I will think about it but I may have painted myself into a corner with finding "ools" rhymes.

Does this work any better?

She throws the guard a flip salute (love that btw)
and exits fresh and casual
he only saw her skin-tight suit--
and she's away with all the loot.

Loved it.

bodkin wrote:then this idea for a horrible pun struck me...

D'oh! Missed that!

I once wrote a Villonelle.

Very clever, Ian. Plaudits.

This would be hard to beat, but I'm expecting at any moment Ray's long-awaited opus "Aston Villanelle"

Ros wrote:Should win prizes just for the title. I think the revision is an improvement. It's so hard to get a sense of progression with these weird repeating forms, but I think you've managed it here.

Ros

Thanks Ros!

I'm not sure "weird" is very respectful to our poetic forebears, however...

Ian

Thanks Oskar!

I think although your suggestion has address the specific line that David picked up on, the whole final S is rather suffering from the same problem. It's just a bit flat. I was actually wondering whether some sort of snappier final line would be a better fix. But whatever it was it would have to fit into four feet and end with the word "loot"...

I was considering:

"he'll still recall the skin-tight suit
long after she has fenced the loot."

...but...

not sure.

Ian

I think this is the first time I have found the poetry form in the title! Clever. Villanelle was meant to be sung or read aloud and I think this works on this level. The rhyme scheme avoids the trap of over-used words and I thought all in all this is very good. I think with this sort of form it does limit the writer somewhat, as the repetition is the whole point and this can make the poem over-done, but I think you have managed to avoid this. I like the light-heartedness of the poem, which is in keeping with the form.

The villainess

She always wears her leather suit
when breaking in to steal the jewels.
She's focussed only on the loot.

To hide the fact she's more astute
than all the weak and lustful fools
she postures in her leather suit

and curls her hair to make it cute.
She takes deep breaths to keep her cool,
maintains her focus on the loot

and doubles-back to lose pursuit,
then checks her face, takes certain tools
from pockets in her special suit

and justifies her great repute
for mocking all the normal rules
by swiftly getting to the loot.

She throws the guard a flip salute
and saunters past while he just drools --
he only saw the skin-tight suit --
and she's away with all the loot.

Thanks Clara (can we call you Clara?),

You obviously know more about the Villanelle form that I do. I was just doing a few formal poems to break things up a bit because I was feeling a bit stalled. This one started a bit stilted and then I tried to work a bit more a of a flow into it...

and I think it has turned out quite well.

I'm still wondering whether to adjust the last two lines, however...

Ian

Hi all,

I finally adjusted the last strophe, I think it is stronger now yes/no?

Ian

Thanks, Oskar, for suggesting "casual", I wouldn't have thought of that as a rhyme here...

I like this! An effortless read. Only problem for me is the awkwardness of the penultimate line.

Hi Mic,

The new penultimate line? Hmm, I see what you mean...

I can easily fix the rhythm, if I don't make any reference to her "knowing" it...

but then that isn't saying as much about how she perceives the scene. Which seems a pity.

I'll have to think about it for a while...

Thanks,

Ian

Bodkin

I don't think you're quite there yet, but you're tantalizingly close. The penulimate line does feel a little bit cramped for space when read. That doesn't really help you much, but it's an honest observation.
Keep going. You're wearing it down. It's just a matter of time before you get those three bells come up on the slot machine!

Cheers

Is it too late to say that I preferred the original version?

Fun! Good one Ian.

B.

~

Oskar -- yes, the penultimate line seems to be a problem...

--

ray miller wrote:Is it too late to say that I preferred the original version?

No, not too late. You mean the whole of the original S4, or is is just part of it you really liked?

--

Thanks Brian, good to see you back!

--

At the moment I am thinking I prefer my original L2, my new L4, and that I would like my new L3 if I hadn't bent the rhythm to try and say:

"she knows he will..."

instead of just:

"he will..."

How about:

"she knows he'll see the skin-tight suit
long after she has fenced the loot."

?

Ian

great stuff. the pun carries through not just the title but the whole poem which is great. i personally prefer the original version of the final verse, especially as you retain the rhyme scheme. if you're going to use a villanelle form to make a joke i think it's better to be consistent in the use of that form.

one other thought - might you reinforce the pun by spelling the title "the villaness"?

now to post a villanelle of my own...

How about this for the final stanza?

She throws the guard a flip salute -
(in a hotel room her champagne cools) -
he only saw the skin-tight suit,
and she's away with all the loot.

Now all we have to do is go back to fix L8.

David

Now you know what it was like when I was writing it!

There's N lines, and N-1 good rhymes for jewel...

cagoules

renewals

refuels

...?