Heading Out

[sandpiper]

I've made black currants
but they need something more.
Scrambled eggs,
not runny or rain-washed.
How about a donut for your pinky?
Starbucks?

Tackle box by the back door,
keys safety-pinned to your breast pocket.
I like how you examine the bait.
It seems to lift both your spirits.

An hour, maybe two.
The rain will stop suddenly,
a slated blind drawn over the road.
Let the fog entertain the fish
and the moist earth. 

What will I do today?
Mend the rose curtains 
before their hems become slippers, 
adjust the space heater 
near the bubble backed chairs
on the porch.

Go on to the lake.  
The fish are candlelight nearing the surface. 
Get 'em before they die in their sleep. 
You'll return to a room with a bath. 
To a brandy with no name. 

[Mic]

I like the rather rambling nature of this, and it's whimsical feel. Don't like the first stanza much. I'd get rid of it and make the second your first.

I've made black currants ------- what do you mean you've 'made' black currants?
but they need something more.
Scrambled eggs,
not runny or rain-washed.
How about a donut for your pinky?
Starbucks? ----------------------------------------- seems to be here to create a sound resonance with tackle box.

Tackle box by the back door,
keys safety-pinned to your breast pocket.
I like how you examine the bait.
It seems to lift both your spirits.----------------------------'both' your spirits? Don't get!

An hour, maybe two.
The rain will stop suddenly,
a slated blind drawn over the road.------------------------nice image - but doesn't seem to make sense to me if the rain has stopped
Let the fog entertain the fish
and the moist earth. ---------------------------- I like this image too

What will I do today?
Mend the rose curtains 
before their hems become slippers, 
adjust the space heater 
near the bubble backed chairs
on the porch.

Go on to the lake.  
The fish are candlelight nearing the surface. ---------------------------- lovely image!
Get 'em before they die in their sleep. 
You'll return to a room with a bath. 
To a brandy with no name. 

---------------------------------------- I'd cut last line. doesn't seem to add anything

[sandpiper]

Hi and thanks so much for coming into this poem.
Your feedback helps so much with any problems with clarity
which obviously there were some.

points you raised:

I suppose I should have said "prepared" or "served"
instead of made the black currants. I'll made the necessary change there.

the phrase about raising the spirits was between the man
the the bait, probably a stretch on that way. Maybe an excited worm,
or something.

I hadn't seen that resonance with Starbucks/tackle box
until you points it out. Do you feel that's a bad thing,
and doesn't benefit the poem?

the blind drawn over the road. I need to completely
rethink that, or at least what I thought of when I put that together in there. May get rid of it.

Thanks for your feedback on this. It's going to be a huge help.
Hate to take his brandy away. I'll think on that one.

Thanks again!

[Oskar]

I like it too. There's a gentle kind of contentment coming through. Or is it a bit Stepford Wives? Nah.
I agree with Mic that S1 could easily go. Makes the overall read stronger imo. The other warts and all have been highlighted.

The fish are candlelight nearing the surface is a beautiful line.

To a brandy with no name.

Why am I thinking Clint Eastwood?

I'd keep the brandy. It adds to that feeling of contentment.
I hope your day was good too!

Cheers

[ray miller]

There is a hypnotic sort of rhythm to this, which isn't unpleasant, but not all that interesting, finally, a bit like fishing. The raising the spirits of bait is rather bizarre.

adjust the space heater
near the bubble backed chairs
on the porch.

I like those three lines, but as Oskar suggested, it is a bit Stepford Wives, a celebration of the mundane.

[sandpiper]

Thank you Oscar, I think I will keep that brandy but unsure at this moment. Thanks Ray, sorry it didn't hold your interest.
Happens sometimes. I guess I'll wait a while longer before deciding on the brandy.
Have had a lot of comment on that also elsewhere so I'm torn.

Not sure I'm getting the Stepford Wife thing. You mean all wives don't cook and clean the way I do? Now you tell me. ha. I think you mean the woman
is a servant or sorts. Hope it didn't come off that way. It was meant to be a
subtle rendering of the intimate and ongoing relationship between two people (more so than actually the fishing)
who have been together a long time. Now I'm stuck on Katherine Ross and Clint Eastwood. What a hoot.

The lifting of spirits is bizarre. I see that now in hindsight and I've revised it.
I'll post my revision soon. Appreciate the feedback and the knowing of how different
folks perceive it.