Poetry Forum

Caught in an embrace facing the night sky,
Between the dusk and the dawn, I hold you.
A moment of tenderness caught by the stars,
As their journey of life takes them by.

The feel of your voice against my neck,
Like a kiss of the wind on my soul.
The scent of your skin, like the feel of your lips;
Addictive.
The sound of your breath beside me,
So intoxicatingly beautiful.

Caught in your eyes, time freezes,
Watching the fire in your soul burn bright,
I’m captivated by the sight of you.

We move; taking grains of sand with us,
You close your eyes and smile,
I wrap my arms around you,
Hold you, kiss you.
And remember this moment forever.

After many hours thinking about the points given:

Here in this embrace, facing the sky,
In between the dusk and dawn I hold you.
A moment of tenderness shared with the stars,
As their life journey takes them by.

The feel of your voice against my neck,
Like a warm kiss on the breeze.
The scent of your skin,
Like the feel of your lips; addictive.
I hear your breathing beside me,
A sound that's intoxicating.

Your gaze so captivating, time is irrelevant,
I look and catch my breath,
As I watch the light dance in your eyes.

We move on, taking grains of sand with us.
You lean towards me and smile.
I wrap my arms around you,
Hold you, kiss you.
And remember this moment forever

Hi Bard and welcome to the forum.

This sounds like many other love poems that I've read and doesn't really grab me. It is well written and is not archaic (which is good), but needs something to bring it to life - like a simile or metaphor for example.

Look forward to seeing more of your stuff.

Cam

Hi Bardialus, we don’t seem to get many straightforward love poems on the site, so this makes a change. Reminds me of youthful days! Nuff said.
Started off with a quatrain rhymed first and last; did you deliberately abandon the form? Would have been a perfectly acceptable vehicle for a love poem, but the freer form probably turned out better.
It’s a romantic image, lying on the beach under the stars, close to the earth, looking into eternity.
A couple of points ref. the first stanza: the word ‘caught’ is used twice. ‘Facing the night sky’, ‘between dusk and dawn’ – night is between dusk and dawn, I think you need to reshape that. The stars on their journey of life; if you want to get astronomical you could insist that stars have a finite life, but it’s a heck of a long one; if you mean the stars’ journey to have some reference to the watcher’s life, it needs to be expressed differently.
‘The feel of your voice against my neck’ – that is very suggestive, makes the hairs wiggle! So unusual to say the feel of a voice. Good one!
Beware of bringing in ‘the soul’, it was popular amongst soulful Victorians etc. but distinctly old-fashioned now – and you used it twice.
In the last line of that second stanza the effect would probably be improved by dropping ‘so’ altogether. Maybe just saying ‘intoxicating’ would be even better.
In the third stanza, ‘time freezes’ – not sure about that, freezing is cold and the described situation is distinctly HOT. You don’t want your lover putting a chill on any part of it. I know you mean ‘time stands still’ - but.
How about a stronger word than ‘captivated’? Plain ‘captured’ would be more to the point – ensnared, enslaved !
Sand is a useful image; the world in a grain of sand, the sands of time. The lovers’ movement causing the shape of the sand to alter, it ties in with the implication of eternity. Binding together, the seal of the kiss, love as the eternal truth.
Potentially a good poem, atmospheric, worth polishing. Best wishes, Leslie.

Thank you for the many points given.

Many of them I didn't realise until they were pointed out to me, I'm a sucker for repeating words in a stanza without noticing that it's already there.

Cameron, I'm glad that you read a poem that doesn't feature in the 'norm' for you. Cheers

Leslie, the rhyming form appeared as the foundation to the piece, and was abandoned as I was trying not to sound like a 'soulful Victorian'.
Yet with the choice of words I used later on it seems that it was still trying to sneak back in on some level.

I appreciated your comments a lot, and using the points you made have started to re-work the piece. There are still a few bits of it that I'm not totally happy about, but hey thats why it becomes a work in progress eh?

See what you think...
Bardialus

‘A poem is never finished, only abandoned’ , I forget who wrote that. You’ve certainly covered points raised. I hope I’m not going to be too nit-picky raking through the revised version; I’ll just make the comments that occur to me, please view them as mere personal suggestions and ignore them if you disagree.
You’ve taken ‘night’ out of the first line, which leaves you free to use dusk and dawn. You could consider whether you need ‘Here’ at all. If you take out the comma after sky and drop the word ‘in’, it becomes the sky between dusk and dawn; insert a comma after ‘embrace’ and ‘dawn’ and it gives ‘In this embrace I hold you’ with the ‘facing the sky . .’ bit as a separate clause.
I’m still not happy with the stars on a life journey . . . they’re not alive really. It’s the lovers’ lives we’re interested in.

The second stanza, first four lines make up two similes, ‘like’, ‘like’. Because they are so similar in construction you can get away with it. You could say the ‘feel of your voice against my neck is a warm kiss ...’ or maybe ‘as a warm kiss’ if you wanted to avoid the repetition.
The last line, if you want to say ‘thats intoxicating’ it needs the apostrophe, that’s. What about making it active – ‘that intoxicates’ ?

In the final stanza, the opening line needs more strength. ‘taking the grains of sand with us’ doesn’t do much – could be no more than sand stuck to your feet, bit of a nuisance, perhaps. Have the thought of ‘the sands of time’ in mind and see what you can come up with. Are you shaping destinies, altering the future? Something BIG seems called for there.

Reading over, that all seems rather presumptuous of me. As I’ve said elsewhere, it’s just my opinion – no more valid than anyone else’s, so you’re entitled to use it or ignore as your own opinion dictates. Best wishes, Leslie.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

- Paul Valory

If I wasn't looking for opinions I wouldn't have posted Leslie, being able to take criticism is an important ability to have, as it helps you understand the different views of life.
Many of the points you make have a validity to you so you're entitled to them.

Re-reading the main body of text I'm almost happy with it, most of the ground work for me I think is laid out now.

There are a few personal jokes between us that I wanted to put in; moments that made us laugh. The reference to the stars is one of them, as is the line about sand.
I originally hadn't thought of using them as a metaphorical tool, but the points you made about them had me thinking it over.
I may add to it yet, but for now a few edits are called for.


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Maybe some good news on something finally.

When I posted the poem here I entered it to qualify for a publication competition, I've made the first stage, I'm waiting to find out if I have gained anything from it

I'd be happy just winning a publication, but if I win something then, hey it's a drink at least.

Keep you posted on if I do or don't.

Yes, please do.

Shit. According to Mr. Valory I'm a derelict asshole.


Like that needed clarifying...

Well some people might find that useful to know, hey it could come in handy later on, but for now...ok I will

I don't really rely on people personal opinion about folks, until I spoke with them and got to know em. If he says that then you can either go with it or against it.......???

Liked it, thought it pretty.

cheers

mac