Poetry Forum

You’re always a little to the right
of the main picture, and try as I might
I can only see the edge of you,
your bent leg, an elbow, arm raised
as if to grasp at something out of sight.
Sometimes I imagine a foot
and think of you swinging, toes pointed,
out into the unpainted night.

These lines are quite affecting; but I think they fall somewhat short of the full imact they could have.
Clearly the person concerned means something (probably a lot) to you, or you wouldn't have written about
them in the first place; yet the reader is left to puzzle over the nature of the relationship - a
grandparent, maybe, who vanished before a child grew up ? A parent, somewhat remote and neglectful ? a
lover or a beloved abandoning a failed partnership ? A friend you once thought you knew, but failed to
maintain contact with ?

It would also help to know whether the "main picture" was a photograph or an artwork like a sketch or a
painting, since if it were a photo, the the evasion of the subject might be deliberate on their part - a
turning away to avoid the camera. But if the main picture was a painting, then the marginalisation of the
subject (or that part of the subject) is a deliberate choice of the artist. Quite a difference.

The fact that your poem starts all these questions in me is a sign of its power. I would like to see that
power better directed and controlled, so as to communicate your insights to your readers (who, of course,
will include thick old geezers like me)

May luck always sit on your shoulder

Crustyman

Thanks, Crusty. I was hoping 'unpainted' would hint at it being a painting. I actually didn't have a specific relationship to me in mind - it's interesting that you think it needs it.

Ros

Thematically, this is right up my street at the moment. Artworks in all mediums create pockets of space in which they exist, but what exists beyond the limits of the canvas, what occurs after The End, etc, I've been interested in these things quite a bit of late.
The inconsistency in end rhymes jarred on a first read, but having subsequently gotten a better grasp on the whole, I think they serve the content, probing the possibilities of the line break, themselves a framing device for the poem. I'm picking up a strong modernist vibe in some of your recent work Ros and I like it.

B.

~

Thanks, Brian. I'm not sure I know exactly what a modernist vibe would be - aren't we post modern by now?

Ros

Ros wrote:Thanks, Brian. I'm not sure I know exactly what a modernist vibe would be - aren't we post modern by now?

Ros

Good grief no.

Post-modernism was over _ages_ ago!

Ian

This is neat.

The rhyming "ights", in the absence of any other rhymes, stand out a bit. Is this another cunningly crafted form, or is that just something that happened?

For some reason - lazy thinking, probably - I assumed you were talking about a photograph too, so the "unpainted night" also struck me as a surprising (but enjoyable) phrase.

It's a good picture (groan) of a tantalisingly uncaptured moment.

Cheers

David

Thanks, Mic, David. It's not any sort of special form, no. I wonder if I should lose the rhymes?

Ros wrote: I wonder if I should lose the rhymes?

No.

I agree. No. They’re unforced, nicely judged, and pull the reader forward.

It has your characteristically easy rhythm, Ros, and deceptively simple phrasing, which make it an easy, if enigmatic, read. I like it.

Peter

Thanks, chaps. I shall leave it as it is, I think.

Ros

Where did my long and detailed reply go!!?

Oh, here it is...

Not as detailed as all that, and anyway I am too late, but just for the record.

--

You could lose the last one? I don't think you would lose the effect of the first two?

You could end with a partial rhyme: sky?

Or a non-rhyme: land?

Or you could keep the rhymes...

For me, I assumed the central image in this was photos, e.g. this is why there is somebody half off the edge...

I took "painted" just as a standing for unknown, or unrepresented...

Enjoyed it.

Ian

Ros wrote:Thanks, chaps. I shall leave it as it is, I think.

Ros

Good. I'd suggest IBPC for this, but don't think they'd geddit . . .

Thanks, Ian. I think it doesn't matter if people see it as a painting or a photo.

Brian, I don't think the IBPC get any of our stuff. I'm beginning to get rather fed up with them - I'm not usually very impressed by the poems they do choose.

Ros

Let's start just submitting random word salad every month and see how long it takes for them to get up the courage to ask whether we are taking the Micky...

Oh, I did (by coincidence) also just start a serious discussion of this. See here: viewtopic.php?f=41&t=12620

bodkin wrote:Let's start just submitting random word salad every month and see how long it takes for them to get up the courage to ask whether we are taking the Micky...

Well, at the very least we could submit here... http://wsmagazine.net/zine/

How about if each quarter we pick a magazine, and the first person to get a poem accepted is the winner!?

Trouble is, all the good mags have a time delay of months to respond to submissions.

So we wouldn't have the results for a while, not problem.

I believe duotrope lists the observed response time of each journal, so we could pick faster ones.