Poetry Forum

I’d expected rain

slicked skin, a shirt transparent
with water, but instead saw you scorched
by the sun, the hair at your temples
damp and curled, pale body reddened.

That night you radiated
the heat of the day, I remember
your face in the mirror, traces of aloe vera
and almond oil glistening

in the bathroom light, our eyes
meeting at the point of reflection, I felt you
fall away beneath that layer of glass.
That was the night nothing happened.

Hello Sharra,

I'm not an experienced poet, but I really enjoyed your poem, so I thought I'd give some feedback.

The poem circles, it starts with an expected disappoinment, then ends in disappoinment. It is sexual, with the 'slicked skin', which seems like rain, but if the person is 'scorched' it could be sweat. Is it self-love? I say that because the narrator is looking into the mirror.
But a disappoinment with the self, which is enclosing and stifling, like the heat. It is a sad poem.
The gap between the first line and the second is great, I felt the pause, the sense of paradoxical feelings, where there is a sense of sadness, but also a sense of hope.
Just a suggestion- maybe the last line could be something like, 'Nothing happened- that night', the dash creates a pause, which ties in with the unfulfilment the reader experiences, as the writer does. An unfullfilment because we don't know what is really going on, an unfullfilment because of desire, and also a faint suggestion that there may be something else you are not telling us about that night.

I thought the last line was good though, it was just a thought!

Elf - thanks for the close reading - I'm glad you enjoyed it
Sharra
x

Sharra

Good to see you posting again.

I like the anticipation thats set up by I’d expected rain - the wording and the positioning of the line are very good but.....I am afraid for me the next bit doesnt deliver - wet t-shirt, damp curls, temples, almond oil etc just dont have the originality of wording that you would normally deliver.

I do like the anti climatic ending too.

I hope I have your permission to be so negative .. with the best of intentions of course.

elph

Nicky,
This doesn't get going at all until the 2nd stanza, but even then I think it lacks your usual freshness.
I know you're playing on the clichéd moment of passion in your opening stanza, but it's too straight. Maybe expand on your expectation, inject a bit of tongue in cheek humour? Dunno, it's just that the opening couple of images somehow reminded me of Billy Collins poking fun at love poetry:

Thanks for the honest opinions - always appreciated
To be honest, it feels like the 3rd stanza is the only one working now, so I need to relook at this. It's my first attempt after being in essay mode so thats probably why it's lacking something.
Sharra
x

This felt a bit Mills & Boon to me Sharra! Not nearly as good as much of your other stuff.

This poem is rather well-excecuted but the language could use some tightening. "Scorched by the sun" is a cliché, (as is the "glistening" of the oil, to a lesser degree.) Perhaps replace it with "scratched/scourged/scorned by the sun" or some other homophone to echo the "scorched" without actually using the word.

I would do away with the almond oil and aloe vera in the second stanza. It seems to detract from the point of the poem. Perhaps change "That night you radiated" to "That was the night you radiated" so as to give the final line an extra kick.

The 1st 2 lines of the final stanza are completely ace. I would boost the irony of the last line by boosting the language. Perhaps "It was on that night that nothing happened." Though that might be overkill.

nice tight scene - very cinematic!

the outcome - quite unexpected!