Poetry Forum

He showed up for his wedding with a moustache
hanging below his nose,
and down the isle he dragged behind him a fridge
which contained the finest cuts of meat:

salami
prosciutto
bresaola

all imported from a Milanese butcher
he once wrestled during the war.

His bride was late,
a punctured tire?
traffic lights?
the sound of bells?,
or cannon fire?

The church was not the oldest thing in the village,

"Old man" Mendelssohn owned that title,
and he sat in a chair sucking down air
dispensed from a metal
canister.

The lord stood at the front of the church,
chewing on a slice of meat and his memory strayed
to childhood days
of swinging from trees with Lucien.

His bride arrived late and the
twins arrived 9 months later,
on time and looking nothing like
their “father”, cept for the
moustache.

Sorry, John, I got lost from the first line of this (should it be "He showed up..."?), and never really recovered. I can see, I think, the narrative effect you're driving at, but (to me) it lacks music (and, at times, coherence). Why are the stanzas numbered? For my money, it's not from the top drawer of your work, which can be very good.

Cheers
peter

I read the first 2 lines and switched off. A typo (I assume) and a statement of devastating obviousness. And for Christ's sake, full stops go inside quotation marks people!
I know you are working very hard on your poetry John, but this is very sloppy and disappointing after your recent "My next film" poem.

B.

~

Oh dear!!

Well thanks for the feedback chaps - honesty is always the best policy -and as always it is greatly received - and thanks Brain for noticing that I have been working hard at my poetry but it would appear that this has missed the mark by miles. And in retrospect yes the line about the tasche is a "statement of devastating obviousness"!!

Arian – have removed the numbers as I have no real reason why I added them but I don’t think it’s made a massive difference

Oh well back the drawing board and back to beginners me thinks…

John G wrote:...back to beginners me thinks…

Possibly an overraction, John. The reason these crits are so blunt is that we know you're capable of much better. Personally, I think one of the biggest favours you could do your work is edit it thoroughly before posting! On this occasion, both Brian and I switched off at the very first line - because of an incredibly obvious typo!!

Cheers
peter

Yes you’re right, and it's not the first time I've had feedback about concentrating on the detail.

If you want someone to read you and take you seriously it would help to spell correctly!! An obvious flaw.

Lesson learned. ( I spell checked this before posting )

Actually I quite enjoyed this.

But then I assume terrible typo is now fixed?

I'm not saying I have any idea what it really means, I just liked the tangentialism of it.

Ian

A touch too abstracted for me; couldn't get to the bottom of it...

Liked the humour in the last line, though have the feeling that this is meant to be more than a 'joke'; if there is a hidden meaning, it was too well hidden for me to find it !

The poem rafter pitched perfect, i found a silent rhyme in the poem,
I very much enjoyed the read because it was strikingly different, it springs, it bounds
along, As if a Monty python movie, nice and irregular, the lines are very good,

I see the others have disseminated it without saying anything that was constructive
In terms of rhythm, nothing about rogue syllables, the accents in a line, nothing;

Each verse has a life, promoting each verse to mutual interest, it run into the next one,
I found it clear and concise, a piece of scholarly work,

and i did enjoy the read

John

Just for the record, I for one have no issue with you posting in Experienced. You took the blows on the chin and overall you have a refreshing style which with work and feedback will go wherever you want it to.

elph