012110

[hank]

The blind student
Gabriel
Learned our voices
Learned our names
Forty of us
First day of class
Imagine that
His ears had eyes truer than hawks
Imagine
Laura’s soft voice lilts from a corner
Chris’ bass booms front and center
Mel's shy whisper seeks her silence
All sing faceless solos
Gabriel’s universe where
Without coy smiles side glances hunched shoulders finger pointing
Without the vocabulary of infinite gesture
We cannot hide
Our watching angel knows
Voice
Pure voice
In spite of the words
In spite of the show
Tells
Always tells
Our truth

[ray miller]

I like this, hank, though the title is a mystery. The line breaks work well, "All sing faceless solos" is good, though I'd put an "in" at the start of the next line."always tells our truth" at the end refers to literally telling or understanding?

[twoleftfeet]

I like this, hank, though the title is a mystery. The line breaks work well, "All sing faceless solos" is good, though I'd put an "in" at the start of the next line."always tells our truth" at the end refers to literally telling or understanding?

I think I can enlighten you, Ray - think of how "9/11" should really be "11/9"

Hank,

Welcome to the madhouse.

Firstly let me say how much I enjoyed this poem.


The only line that I felt could be bettered was
Without the vocabulary of infinite gesture
- I dunno, it says exactly what you want it to say, but it's a tad grandiloquent IMHO.
Perhaps something simpler like
....finger pointing
like a conjuror

Also I would be inclined to pare down the ending:
Voice
Pure voice
In spite of the words
In spite of the show
Tells
Always tells
Our truth
- others will no doubt disagree.

Chris' bass/ Chris's bass ?

I look forward to your next post.

Plaudits
Geoff

[hank]

I like this, hank, though the title is a mystery. The line breaks work well, "All sing faceless solos" is good, though I'd put an "in" at the start of the next line."always tells our truth" at the end refers to literally telling or understanding?

Thank you, Ray,

I don't use titles. The numbers date. The 'in' is correct, but "Gabriel's universe' feels better to me, like a shout. I wanted the 'tells' at the end to feel like 'tolls.'

[brianedwards]

A blind kid learning names by voice is poetry, yes, but probably not if a writer gets in the way. Sometimes things are what they are.
The name Gabriel has so many associations, making it work requires a skilled whimsy or real spine. I don't think you've managed either, but kudos for massaging the trope.
Coupling Eyes and Hawks is a sure fire way to kill a poem.

B.

~

[hank]

it's a tad grandiloquent IMHO.

Yes, though I don't understand IMHO, I understand. The word 'vocabulary' draws me into that grandiloquence. I'd have to conceive of a new line.

I would be inclined to pare down the ending:

Yes, it could linger too long.

Thank you for your kind help, Geoff,

j

[hank]

Thanks for reading, B.,

j

[ray miller]

I thought 012110 was most likely some sort of Binary Braille, I really did.I'd recommend you give up on the numbers, Hank, you'll never write timeless poetry otherwise.