Poetry Forum

Round Pond, Kensington Gardens.


Slowly
the shuffling mortals embarrassed by children
group at the pond's hard edge,
prod with their sticks
and fail to notice
swift-scything duck flight.

Proudly
the elder boy keeps the kite-string taut
while his sister picks leaves to throw at the wind
and declines to notice
his superior air.

Quietly
the kite winds in. Sticks are laid aside
for a sleep on the grass, and a child offers bread,
saying "Here you are, duck."
While our toy boats are becalmed
on the luminous water.

Some interesting turns in this, but the speaker is too imposing due to certain word choices. The adverbs act almost as editorials, the second occurrence creating friction with the "superior" that occurs at the bottom of that stanza. There's also a slight smugness in the opening description, and I would suggest you run with something simpler, let the brother and sister scene generate the comparison. I suggest, as an opening line:

Grown-ups gather at the ponds edge

I'd also consider cutting the line with the child's speech, let the offer of bread stand alone.

B.

~

Hi , Crusty.

I'm not over keen on "swift-scything duck flight" - it may be your intention to play on "swift" as a noun and an adjective,
but IMHO it sounds forced. (Purely subjective, I know).

"Superior air" - that is a word-play that works for me. You capture the competitiveness of siblings nicely.

I also like the way the poem moves from the cares/pre-occupations of adulthood, through to the simple pleasures of childhood which bestow a kind of serenity on the scene, including the adults.

I was thinking about your choice of "toy boats" at the end. Do they belong to the adults?
If so they could perhaps be "model boats", but maybe that goes too far the other way?

Much enjoyed
Some Eastern Tao in west London
Geoff


.

Thanks for your trouble in reading and posting. On the whole I agree with most of the crits made. I've been tinkering with this one far too long. A few bits may be salvageable, but in its present form I think I'll put it on the scrap-heap.

Crustyman wrote:Thanks for your trouble in reading and posting. On the whole I agree with most of the crits made. I've been tinkering with this one far too long. A few bits may be salvageable, but in its present form I think I'll put it on the scrap-heap.

With respect, that's a fucking copout.

Crustyman wrote:Thanks for your trouble in reading and posting. On the whole I agree with most of the crits made. I've been tinkering with this one far too long. A few bits may be salvageable, but in its present form I think I'll put it on the scrap-heap.

Actually, Crusty, the more I read the poem the more I like it.
I can't see why you would want to bin it.
If I were you I would post it on some other sites, get some more feedback, before deciding.

I quite like it, although perhaps you could ditch the one-word intros to each verse. On other points, I don't know why you use "mortals" in contrast to children, I like "superior air" as well, and I can't quite make out who the "we" (to whom the "our" refers) are in S3.

But I wouldn't scrap it.

Cheers

David

David wrote:. On other points, I don't know why you use "mortals" in contrast to children, ..

Possibly "shuffling mortals" is a nod towards
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause
?

paints quite a picture!

esp. liked:

Proudly
the elder boy keeps the kite-string taut
while his sister picks leaves to throw at the wind
and declines to notice
his superior air.

this stanza is as taut as the kite string - perhaps the first & last stanza could be worked in as well

Brian - You are quite right. Thanks for the kick in the arse. I shall persevere.

Crustyman wrote:Brian - You are quite right. Thanks for the kick in the arse. I shall persevere.

Good for you!