Gently emerging from the land of slumber,
I awaken to the sound of rain; again.
The soft hiss as drops hit the leaves,
slowly allows me to come round.
I lay there and listen; wonder how long it's been raining.
I test the air with my foot just in case, and get up.
I open the curtains onto a misty grey sky,
and consider the still warm duvet.
I try to guess the day, as I watch a river flow over leaves,
a soft green against a stormy background.
Maybe the sun will come out today.
untitled as of yet
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dillingworth
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 455
- Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2005 2:53 pm
- Location: Oxford, UK
this is interesting, but i think it needs a bit more work. there are a few tired-sounding phrases:
"the land of slumber"
"misty grey sky"
i think the problem here is that everything is a little too clear for my taste: perhaps you should take this idea and make it a bit more impressionistic - try blurring your words a bit. what i did like though was the attention to detail, which it'd be a shame to lose, so perhaps you could achieve a less overstated feel simply by becoming more detailed in your description, but only describing smaller, seemingly less significant details.
remember what archibald macleish said (ars poetica):
"a poem should not mean
but be."
"the land of slumber"
"misty grey sky"
i think the problem here is that everything is a little too clear for my taste: perhaps you should take this idea and make it a bit more impressionistic - try blurring your words a bit. what i did like though was the attention to detail, which it'd be a shame to lose, so perhaps you could achieve a less overstated feel simply by becoming more detailed in your description, but only describing smaller, seemingly less significant details.
remember what archibald macleish said (ars poetica):
"a poem should not mean
but be."