Poetry Forum

LANGLAND BAY

The waves sweep and then withdraw
combing the stones on the gossiping shore
dragging their chattering throats to the sand
draining the shallows dry of land.
Winter beached and bleaker hearts
single folk in shuffling starts
holding notes from Dearest John
holding on although it's wrong.
Across the beach, the lovers burning
world eternal, keeps on turning.
Furtive glow of giggling girls
lurking linked in disco twirls.
An old man watches wise as sage
and fills his pipe of bygone age
he's seen them come and seen them go
said farewell to worldly woes
He smokes away at sorrowed soul
smoke and mirrors take their toll
he waits for the wartime wind to kiss
widowed years are much amiss
her face floats by in scented haze
he scents the love of younger days
he hums the tune of tea for two
then home he goes to dream of you.

A tidal race of one night stands
sounding brass like Sunday bands
a scream of healing slow released
on sinking sand of quickened peace.
Chalets stare from brochure coats
strumming distant Summer notes
inside their tinder quietly kindled
Winter's song is sad and dwindled
Summer's fire is brief and sweet
fleet of foot and so petite
then Autumn shadows long and drawn
the dreamers ball has been reborn.

SEAN KINSELLA

copyright 1984 and 2005

this reminded me a lot of "Dover Beach" by Matthew Arnold:

"Listen! You hear the grating roar
Of pebbles, which the waves draw back
And fling..."

But I think you have restricted yourself a little with the use of rhyme here, which produces some rather weak couplets:

"An old man watches wise as sage
and fills his pipe of bygone age"

being one.

Having said that, the first four lines are great - i suggest changing line 2 to

"combing the stones on the gossiping shore"

because this gives the opening a dactylic rhythm throughout (tum-ti-ti).

DILLINGWORTH

Many thanks for your comments, and you are correct, the line would sound better with the insertion of a 'the'.

This was originally writen in free verse in 1984, and given a rhyme in 2005. I prefer the rhymed version, but I do have to say that much of the modern poetry world doesn't do traditional rhymed verse anymore.

I haven't read the poem you referred to, but I shall try to locate it ASAP.

BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA

Have just made the edit, thanks again for the advice.

BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA

A good write Sean, smoothly written, one that engaged this reader.

best wishes

Mac

Great Read Sean,

The alliteration and internal rhymes gel well.

Although maybe it could have ended sooner: Or perhaps condensed?

The waves sweep and then withdraw
combing the stones on the gossiping shore
dragging their chattering throats to the sand
draining the shallows dry of land.
Winter beached and bleaker hearts
single folk in shuffling starts
holding notes from Dearest John
holding on although it's wrong.
Across the beach, the lovers burning
world eternal, keeps on turning.
Furtive glow of giggling girls
lurking linked in disco twirls.
An old man watches wise as sage
and fills his pipe of bygone age.

Hello everyone

Unfortunately Sean is in hopsital but has asked me to pass on his thanks for your comments. He will respond once he's home.

Regards
Mrs K.

bump

why?

oh...he's well again, and was afraid to bump them himself with responses to criticism.

mmmkay.

glad there was a prolific poster about to keep tabs on my movements.

The duty comes with the title.

You're 22 away, so don't preach...

Wonderful work

G'day Sean, enjoyed reading your poem. you have a very gifted style in matching words. keep writing. Kind Regards. Duncan Williams.

Thank you all for your very kind comments (Caleb, thanks for the bump), this one was originally written around 1982/3, and only recently re-worked from its original free verse.

CAMUS - I've taken your point re: compression on board for another time and place.

BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA

Sean,

Make no mistake, I'm glad to see you're well again and glad to have you back.

Cheers,

Keith

I generally agree with Kris. I thought the last stanza was incredibly well-done. But the end of the first seemed to drag on:

he's seen them come and seen them go
said farewell to worldly woes
He smokes away at sorrowed soul
smoke and mirrors take their toll
he waits for the wartime wind to kiss
widowed years are much amiss
her face floats by in scented haze
he scents the love of younger days
he hums the tune of tea for two
then home he goes to dream of you.

Little things, like 'worldly woes,' 'sorrowed soul,' 'then home he goes' seemed to make it...well, not as good.

Great images throughout:

"wartime wind"
"chattering throats"
"tidal race"

Glad to have you back.

- Caleb