Poetry Forum

Gosh. Read this a few times now, by the time I get to the end I'm emotionally done in, the ending is amazing. However, adulation is not the way of Poet's Graves so here I go - some things that if it was me I would change:
I don't think you need the dashes in S1. commas?
"the pools of eyes into which a world dipped" is fine if you read it slowly - I think the whole thing needs to be read slowly - but "into which" slightly clumsy.
But the body is naught but a sponge - could you lost the first But?
Part 2, Body is my favourite, dead dog, dead dog, all of it.
Part 3 "read your texture how a tourist" substitute "as a tourist"?

and finally,
Sacred no more, little sausage
with the meat sucked out, still
and useless as a stopped clock.

what about

Sacred no more, little sausage
with the meat sucked out,
still as a stopped clock.


This is such a great poem. I love the Stein quote aswell.

Many thanks Megan. Adulation is more than welcome here!

Seriously, I appreciate your time and efforts. Lots of good feedback to mull over. I do agree with your point about "how a tourist" and shall think some more on that. I was trying to avoid another use of "like" --- that section is quite (intentionally) heavy with similes.

Again, I really appreciate your words here. I was afraid this one might sink without comment . . .

B.

~

BE, yeah, killer if only modernist. Not a bad thing, just prefer hyper-modern. One nit on the endo...


Do all five hearts stop at once,
or do they flicker out one by one,
the last left waiting for the cloak to descend?

would be better if it was simply this:

Do all five hearts stop at once,
or do they flicker out one by one?

I think those two final heroic couplets kill. A final shifty two-liner to say goodnight. But overall some pretty cool stuff. One note on tone...you could take a few more risks with the similes & metaphors....-a stylistic diff tho... good poem!

Best,
JR

Thanks JR. Would love to hear more about "hyper-modern"ism . . .

Will think on that suggestion for the end, appreciated.

B.

~

Good meaty stuff, Brian.

Not sure about Box. I like Body. I think you possibly overdo the apostrophizing in Tube, but the diction is lively and challenging. Worms have five hearts? Is this true?

As ever, you're not lazy or complacent. You try to find ways to make it new, and you do it pretty well. I admire that.

The Stein quote is not speaking to me at all, though.

Cheers

David

Worms have five hearts, yes. How fantastic is that?

Sorry the Stein quote doesn't connect . . . the whole idea is me trying to unpack the quote . . . oh well, I'll happily settle for your admiration of my meaty stuff . . .

Many thanks David.

B.

I won’t pretend to understand the Stein thing, but the theme – if not the message – of the piece is pretty clear. If the idea was to evoke in the reader a sense of the inevitability of decay and, ultimately, the finality of death you’ve done a good job. In this reader anyway. And lots of lines have your usual originality – I especially liked:

Down by the hinge of kerb and sky,

and

Dry as a shoelace,
twisted like liquorice,

One very small thing – would these lines be better as:

All tends toward the condition of a hole,
its core an ever-expanding circle:

Cheers
peter

Many thanks Peter. I don't think Stein was especially concerned with meanings, not in the traditional sense anyway. Her collection Tender Buttons is presented like a glossary, in which the dictionary meanings of words are stripped away and the words are explored in terms of their prosody and juxtapostional potential. Attempting to understand her work is a self-defeating exercise. I thought it would be fun to explore some of her ideas in a slightly more conventional fashion, and have tried to attach something of a traditional three-act narrative to the quoted poem. Not wholly successful I am sure, but it did throw up some interesting things, surprisingly personal at times too.

B.

~

Sense and meaning in Stein's work just eludes me, and it kind of works itself into a metaphysical place where the only meaning left can be life/death - the "zero degree" - (Lyotard??) and I thought that your 0 was a very meaningful response.

Thanks again Megan. I agree that Stein's work has a kind of apocalyptic feel at times. And yet the language is so alive and full of possibility. The above poem I quoted presented itself to me as a whole life, the full 3 act narrative!

Appreciate your engagement here.

B.

Posted a revision. Added a colon to S3 to aid sense. Removed the references to London, which were out of sync.

Any further comments appreciated.

B.