An Afternoon at Clearwater Diner- Edit

[paisley]

An Afternoon at Clearwater Diner

A spoon on old stoneware, a cup
clinks a white saucer and a gentleman's fork,
with a sideways slide,
resists his knife's insistence.
Past the open windows, she searches
for a face that never reappears.
Her smiles are wistfully nodded
to the backs of old men's heads,
their salt-and-pepper hair stands
at short attention, it's not his.
And she opens her books,
bleak paragraphs of detailed tedium, pauses
to check for a hint of his cigar smoke on the breeze

but there are only lilacs
mingled with the subtle scent of a vague memory,
of the first words said, fresh round sounds
that echoed in the vast distance between them.

But every gap was filled
until there was something solid to hold,
until there was nothing left to offer,
until they needed a way out of the stagnating mire,
until all they wanted was to create some distance.

[J.R.Pearson]

P, much of this is overwritten for a straight forward narrative. I am all for overwriting for some purpose, any purpose. But in a traditional narrative....you better mean every word. Jazz legend Monk once said: There ain't no new notes, just play the ones you really mean. -----I am paraphrasing. Here are the ones I thought you really meant:

resists his knife's insistence.
&
and a way towards creating some distance

the rest just feels like work. Like writing for the sake of writing. I don't mean to be harsh. Or a jackass. Suggestion: cut until it bleeds. Pair(pear/pare) down everything possible. If this was a surrealistic poem I would say expand...maybe stylistic differences...

Enjoyed the story!

Best,
JR

[paisley]

J.R. Pearson,

Thank you for the time and comments. I have taken your advice. Sliced and diced and focused it.
Too many words, eh? I might be guilty of that, maybe. Ok, yes, I am. I appreciate the reply and the time you took.

[ray miller]

I liked the opening section, first 4 lines in particular.
Think you ought to be saying "they aren't his" rather than "it's not his" and maybe a semi-colon after attention - creates some distance!
It begins to drift a bit in verses 2 and 3, this line you could easily lose: mingled with the subtle scent of a vague memory,

But every gap was filled is a nice touch.

[Arian]

I think this does a pretty good job of creating a mood of - it seems to me - regret, of what-might-have-been.

Is it me, or do I detect an Eliotesque influence in:

but there are only lilacs
mingled with the subtle scent of a vague memory,

- but that's not a bad thing - it's a nice line.

Interesting piece
peter

[calico]

Hello Paisley
Yes the lilac part stands out for me too,and the "fresh round sounds" of words. I think you can do more chop chop - stagnating mire for instance. I have nothing against adjectives but sometimes you don't need them - a mire is by definition a stagnant place, so unless stagnating is essential to the rhythm or pace that you want, you can lose it. "Wistfully" is another one that you might not need, the tone of the poem is wistful so you don't need to say it. It's a sad piece, I like it.

[paisley]

Thank you, Ray. I was thinking, it's not the back of his head, it's not him. But I will think about it deeper. I understand what you mean.

Peter, It is nice that you sensed a link to Eliot. Lilacs and spring, memory and desire. Your comment made me smile. The poem was inspired by a few things; My dad died in the spring and I often miss him when the lilacs are in bloom, he was a salt and peppered (like me ), short haired (like me), cigar smoker ( not like me). I miss the scent of a cigar sometimes. And the second half of the poem was inspired by a friend's poem about long term relationships and how the couple can become over familiar ( everything given, stories all told, stagnating ). So, I suppose that couple would have regrets if they ended up distanced and estranged, yes. Thank you for your time.

Calico, thank you for your comments. Cutting more this week might hurt! lol, but I will remember your suggestions next week. I can see what you are saying. Thanks.

[J.R.Pearson]

P, wanted to restate what I pm'ed you earlier. This is quite the edit! You took what was a meandering watered down modernist poem & sliced it to a pretty compelling piece! Time to lick a stamp & shoot this to an editor. Personally I only sub by email anymore. Much easier that way. Zines should be up on the electronic age!!


Well done. Impressive edit.


JR

[David]

I like "bleak paragraphs of detailed tedium", paisley. Nice scene-setting as well.

I couldn't really follow your final stanza at all. Can you be clearer about what you're saying there? The ending is very important!

Cheers

David

[paisley]

JR, again, thank you for your encouraging words.

David,
Sorry, to take so long to say thanks. My idea was that when these two were just meeting, everything they said was fresh, it echoed, or skipped like stones over a lake until images, ideas monologues rested somewhere between them like a shared memory. These words filled places between them, made them less separated from each other.
New images formed as they spoke to one an other about their lives and ideas. They made new stories and that filled the gap as well. It is about a long term relationship. These two had been together for a long time. I bet I could make that clearer.

And then the gap was filled, there was nothing new to say. The flow stagnated and to get it going again, they needed to get some distance, space. But that doesn't mean they don't think of one another, she is missing him. A common vocalization at separation is, "we grew apart" but I am suggesting "we grew together" might be more accurate. I'd welcome input to make it clearer. Thanks.