How odd I see

[twelveoone]

tell me
tell me
what do you see
when you look upon the water
do you see your own reflection
kneeling on the surface
fish beneath
do you see the sky through
leaves

I fear I see the wind instead
hidden behind a breeze


*two line changes

[Sean Kinsella]

1201

The last two lines are lovely:-

"I fear I see the wind instead
hidden behind a breeze."

keep these and re-work the remainder around same.

BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA

[dillingworth]

the last two lines are more original and thought-provoking than the rest. the bit in italics needs re-working if it isn't to sound a bit cliched and prosaic.

just my opinion, though.

[twelveoone]

I do hope so, everytime I write something, I get creepy feeling I am remembering it. I hope the last two lines are orginal, I tried checking.

As for the rest, you're pretty much right, although "kneeling on the surface" I thought was good.

A little history, this was in response to a thread, where person after person denied that a status writer was writing cliched, after I mentioned it, hence bait of a sort, yes cliches, I thought I turned them, I guess not good enough.

Thank you

[dillingworth]

i think i might have misinterpreted this poem. if the bit in italics is a different voice, then are the last two lines a response to the "cliched" voice in italics? if so this whole poem becomes much more sophisticated and interesting, but it should be made a bit clearer.

[twelveoone]

dillingworth, as was, it sucked. It prompted me to make two changes.
Your call was correct then, here I am not sure.
I thank you for the revisit.