Poetry Forum

Clouds cobble
the evening sky

At sea dance
rows of petticoat frills

Applause

as wave
after wave

bows before the shore



Original:-

Clouds cobble the evening sky.
At sea, rows of petticoat frills –
the finale of a Can-Can chorus

.....then the applause
....as wave after wave
...bows before the shore.

Mic I like this. Nice capture in words of a view. Maybe can can dancers (keeping with the visual) I did think by the ending it had sort of ran out of steam slightly. The trouble with very short poems is you can't get away with anything, and wave after wave took up a valuable line? Minor nits.

very cliche-ridden i'm afraid:

the petticoat frills
the can can
bows...

however, it's not in me, to outline the negative without giving a positive feedback:

i still enjoyed the overall picture this paints!

Thanks Clarabow. You're probably right, and yes each word and line does have so much more pressure on it in a short poem.

Hi Rushme,

Oh dear and there's me thinking I'd been at least a little bit original in comparing waves breaking at sea to the lifted petticoats of a can-can chorus line and the idea of the shore as a permanent audience applauding the sea's delightfully saucy performance!

Can't win 'em all.

Michaela

Hi Michaela
It's quite strong and original to me - I think it's the basis of a nice piece.

Two things niggle with me, which you may or may not think quibbles.

1. L2 - it struck me as spelling things out rather too much - aren't petticoat frills implied by (in fact, inherent to) a can-can? It seems to me that it would be stronger to use the straight metaphor - the sea, the finale of...etc

2. As it stands, the logic of the piece has the sea as both performer and audience, which hit me straight away as a bit odd. I'm probably the only one, though.

Still, I enjoyed the image
peter

Ah-ah! You've recycled those petticoats!
Unfortunately, I think Peter makes a valid point regards spelling things out . . . Personally I would use can-can as the title and drop line 3, also rethink the line breaks, slow things down and let the reader feel the movement of the tide . . . I think this would work without punctuation too . . . Here's my wee take on it:

Can-Can

Clouds cobble
the evening sky

At sea dance rows
of petticoat frills

Applause

as wave
after wave

bows before the shore




B.

~

Hi Peter -

1. Too much telly: guilty as charged.
2. Hmm. I was thinking of the beach as audience (the applause being the sound of waves landing on the shore) and waves as performers.

This wasn't an especially well thought out piece. As Bri has spotted - the idea has been through the wash a couple of times already.

Brian -

Har Har! You've caught me out.

I'm a bit concerned that I didn't spot how telly I was being with this.

Like what you've done - will keep it if you don't mind.

Michaela

All yours, with love.

B.

Regards show Vs tell it does seem that most contemporary poetry, particularly in the UK, is driven by this idea. I've always maintained that the latter is fine, but if you must tell then tell it well. A good example is Alice Oswald, a poet I have only recently discovered.
I've been meaning to write on this topic for some time, I think it holds a possibly fruitful discussion. . .

B.

I'll have a read of Alice O.

PS

I am mildly depressed at having had to recycle. I find it such a bloody agonising process trying to come up with striking images. Does it get easier? Can the brain learn to think more effortlessly in original metaphor?

Sigh.

Michaela

I am arriving late, like Emile Heskey reaching the far post just as the ball slides into the goal down at the other end of the pitch ... enough of these tiresome (and laboured) footballing metaphors!

I really like this, Michaela, and it's the original version I really like. It's largely the form of it. Does that not look like a pretty girl in a can-can dress, holding it up by the hem at each side while she modestly acknowledges the applause of the crowd?

Well it does to me. Maybe I've just seen too many Jean Renoir films.

Cheers

David

I'm arriving even later, later than a John Terry apology but somewhat more sincere.
Last three or four lines are really good.
"At sea dance rows" is a bit of a peculiar construct, I thought.

Thanks David and Ray (I've just noticed your responses).

David wrote:I really like this, Michaela, and it's the original version I really like. It's largely the form of it. Does that not look like a pretty girl in a can-can dress, holding it up by the hem at each side while she modestly acknowledges the applause of the crowd?

You are so good at spotting my efforts at shape! My thought was the top half being the sea and the lower half the shore. But I like how you see the shape much better!

ray miller wrote:Last three or four lines are really good.

Thanks Ray. Assisted by Bri's re-write.

It's all so subjective ain't it?

Mx

It is, indeed, all subjective. And why do we get so very agitated by it? Because we're drunk.

ray miller wrote:It is, indeed, all subjective. And why do we get so very agitated by it? Because we're drunk.