Poetry Forum

At the Battle of Trafalgar she'd sunk
a few too many. Now she swigs milk
and flat Coke at the open fridge door.
A ship whose ballast has come undone,
its Captain down, she lists, lurches
across the floor, trips on a notebook;
torn pages float on a sudden swell
of carpet, as she makes her way to bed.
Once there, she swears
that tomorrow she will not drink;
then, promptly, she sinks.

Morning threatens a burial at sea.
Regret of all sizes will nibble at the wreck.

Revision No. 2-

At the Battle of Trafalgar she'd sunk
a few too many. Now she swigs milk
and flat Coke at the open fridge door.
A ship whose ballast has come undone,
its Captain down, she lists, lurches
across the floor, slips on some poetry notes;
torn pages float on a sudden swell
of carpet, as she heads for bed.
Once there, she swears
that tomorrow she will not drink;
then, promptly, she sinks.
Morning threatens a burial at sea.
Regrets of all sizes will nibble at the wreck.



Revision No. 1:-

At the Battle of Trafalgar she'd sunk
a few too many. Now she swigs milk
and flat Coke at the open fridge door.
Like a ship whose ballast has come undone,
its Captain down, she lists and lurches
across the floor, trips on the T.V. remote,
then slips on some poetry notes;
torn pages float on a sudden swell
of carpet, as she makes the voyage to bed.
Once there, she turns on her side, swears
that tomorrow she will not drink;
then, promptly, she sinks.
Morning threatens a burial at sea.
Regrets of all sizes will nibble at the wreck.


Original:-


At the Battle of Trafalgar she'd sunk
a few too many. Now she swigs milk
and flat Coke at the opened fridge door.
Like a ship whose ballasts have come undone,
its Captain down, she lists several yards
across the floor, trips on the T.V. remote,
then slips on some poetry notes;
torn pages float on a sudden swell
of carpet, as she makes the voyage to bed.
Once there, she turns on her side, swears
that tomorrow she will not drink;
then, promptly, she sinks.
Morning threatens an open sea burial.
Regrets of all sizes will nibble at the wreck.

Mic,

I had to get my head round the metaphor of a ship wreck in the kitchen. I don't know why but it didn't quite work for me although I think you have a very well written poem here. Maybe it would work better for me if she was a he, to fit with captain. But that aside very good.

Mic,

I like this, but "lists" means "leans over", so I don't think "across several yards" is working, plus "yards" would be better
as a nautical measurement e.g "fathoms".
Just my opinion.
Geoff

Thanks clarabow.
Geoff, I've amended - Is that better?
Will repost original tomorrow so others can compare

Mic

It works propelled by the internal rhymes. I think the danger is that you over use the metaphor and therefore there is a risk the reader fails to feel anything for the subject. Maybe tone down the nautical, "voyages" to bed for example.

You have a very good last line so avoid diluting it by what comes before.

Do you need the tv remote?

Could you objectify her as a ship rather than use the simile "like a ship"?

Just some thoughts. It's worth perseveringly with this one, it's just not quite balanced yet IMO.

Elph

Thanks for the valuable input Elph. Agree that I've overworked the metaphor and so I've implemented your suggestions.

Mic

Mic,

I think that you have improved the poem greatly.
This bit, though, is a tad too telly IMHO.

as she makes her way to bed.
Once there, she turns on her side, swears

I know you are trying not to batter us with the nautical metaphor but I quite liked "navigates" which can be used with
"stairs/swears". Just an idea.

Geoff

mic - please don't misunderstand but this is very banal & clumsy writing

no tit-for-tat - least interested in that sort of a thing.

but as you said: If anyone thinks anything I write is shit, I want to hear it.

I post complete drivel sometimes, and sometimes I post something that is mostly drivel but maybe there are flashes of something interesting in it and I am always thankful to those who help me distinguish the drivel from the interesting stuff.

gotta run - but i'll be back to talk about the 'flashes'

Thanks for the input Rushme.

Mic

Michaela,

I have been reading this and following comments and revisions, trying to figure out what is bothering me about the poem.
I think it's the idea of motion, which I think is important to the conceit. Currently, movement is evoked through the meanings of (undoubtedly carefully selected) verbs, but this is movement given by the poem, rather than experienced by the reader. How about you try to evoke some of that swaying-at-sea through sonic device?

Alternatively, another approach might be to write the poem in 1st person and have the writer stumble through the poem via the use of badly-handled simile, rather than attempting the whole extended metaphor head-on. This would be an interesting challenge, though the result might be more comedic than you intend.

Just my thoughts.

B.

I like this very much, a subject dear to my heart. The last line is terrific, but then don't you always have great last lines? You should string them together.
Even after 5 or 6 readings I keep on thinking "slips on some poetry notes" refers to some kind of adornment she's about to wear.
a torn page floats would maybe sound better.
heads for bed - hits the deck?

Mic, I liked the ship, could hear a sea chanty (sung very quietly)
Enjoyed the image of the poetry notes on the swell of carpet.
The last line was great, somehow I would like give the regrets some sort of animal characteristic, legs, fins...

Thank for the read. I will think about it tonight over a glass of wine. Enjoyed.

oooh, I just read the whole thread and the revisions, well done, Mic. It is great to see the work behind the poems. Well done.

Brian -

brianedwards wrote:How about you try to evoke some of that swaying-at-sea through sonic device?

Maybe I'll give that a go.

brianedwards wrote:Alternatively, another approach might be to write the poem in 1st person and have the writer stumble through the poem via the use of badly-handled simile, rather than attempting the whole extended metaphor head-on. This would be an interesting challenge, though the result might be more comedic than you intend.

In fact that might work, building to an abrupt change of tone in that final line.

Ray -

ray miller wrote:I like this very much, a subject dear to my heart.

Mine too (evidently).

ray miller wrote:The last line is terrific, but then don't you always have great last lines?

Thanks for saying that. I do like the last line - it's the only thing this poem really has going for it I think.

ray miller wrote:You should string them together.

Har Har! Maybe I will do that to create a poem called 'Last line medley' .

ray miller wrote:Even after 5 or 6 readings I keep on thinking "slips on some poetry notes" refers to some kind of adornment she's about to wear.

Now you've said that, it's happening to me too.

ray miller wrote:heads for bed - hits the deck?

I've already been a bit heavy on the word play I think. But maybe, especially if I re-write this in a more comedic vein as Bri has suggested.

Paisley -

Thanks.

paisley wrote: The last line was great, somehow I would like give the regrets some sort of animal characteristic, legs, fins...

The image I had in my mind was of those sunken wrecks that have fish and all manner of sea creatures nibbling away. I was hoping that the way I'd written that last line might conjure up this image without spelling it out too much.

Mic

that's too much lovin! i object!

It's a jeu d'esprit, n'est-ce pas? You take an idea and you try to sustain it to the end. It's like a game of keepie-uppie.

I think you do it pretty well. The "poetry notes" are a bit of a coy self-conscious look-at-me touch (I think), but otherwise it's a fun thing that only touches the ground once or twice.

Cheers

David