Poetry Forum

8 of 8 Equations
Pi Burned Alphabetics
Atomic Snowstorms in Left Handed Corners of the Mind
Circumference of Infinity & Where it Has Gotten Us


It's our winning way at losing that brings us here.
Things that survive a nuclear winter?
Cockroaches, twinkies & infinity

.

In time, rifles blossom in the dark

& water pounds voices from roofs.
Shadows would crawl into rocks
if the galaxy opened a wave in the night's lung
& we would think of nothing except time

not existing in the cursive call of violins

except your mother speaking thru background radiation
except the white noise of a whimper
except the music of lost charts
& blind notes scrawled on your hand in the rain
hum your lips numb as bleached sandstone

unfound in KOFA turn-around canyons
sing the sight of an octave stretched out beyond the eye
there's no word to suck the poison from a snakebit leg
no sound for destruction put in abeyance
we need more than threnody
& colored ice stirred into starshine
more than ribs curved back to the bow in wings
more than a sliver of saliva lipped to a figure 8
on cold palms warmed to a cheeks heat

when you touch me
my eyes pound with night like a bruise

your voice shifts with an oiled flame
my heart pushes night thru missing limbs
& your breath beats like an owl
I'm all climacteric in this one & done flesh calculus
boiled down to it's bare beginnings
of a bright tone tuned to a galactic string's risen voice

I'll have to come back to this when I've got more time, JR, but at first read I'm very much enjoying something apocalyptic, down to

unfound in KOFA turn-around canyons
sing the sight of an octave stretched out beyond the eye
there's no word to suck the poison from a snakebit leg
no sound for destruction put in abeyance
we need more than threnody

where you lost me. What is KOFA? I can't find a reference to it. I find some of the later images (colored ice stirred into starshine, galactic string's risen voice) are great ideas (and the sort of thing I enjoy writing myself), but perhaps a bit too abstract, to esoteric. Hmm, I'm having a debate with myself as to how much images like these work, and whether it's always necessary to be able to beat a concrete meaning out of them.

boiled down to it's bare beginnings - no apostrophe needed.

Ros

J, I tend to go along with Ros and there is a lot of great stuff in this, but can you have too much of a good thing? but I am not sure if it is over-done or lacks a human voice - but I am going to read again and it maybe just me - not had my 3rd cup of coffee yet! I appreciate the Physics in this and you have avoided being too scientific, which would have made the poem read like a school lesson - anyway - (delete) and x ignore anything that doesn't work for you...

Pi Burned Alphabetics - not sure if this one detracts from below
Atomic Snowstorms in Left Handed Corners of the Mind - like this line
Circumference of Infinity & Where it Has Gotten Us - maybe - where has it gotten us


(It's) our winning wayS at losing (that) brings us here. x
Things that survive a nuclear winter - x
cockroaches, twinkies & infinity x
.
In time, rifles blossom in the dark - do you need the space below?

& water pounds (voices) from roofs. voices from roofs didn't work for me
Shadows would crawl into rocks; x
if the galaxy opened a wave in the night's lung - love this line - but would dark work better than night?
& we would think of nothing except time - again the line space didn't work for me below

not existing in the cursive call of violins

(except) your mother speaking thru background radiation - the repetition (can work) but I don't think it adds here
(except) the white noise of a whimper
(except) the music of lost charts
& blind notes scrawled on your hand in the rain
hum your lips numb as bleached sandstone - another great line

unfound in KOFA turn-around canyons - KOFA sounds like a football body! Can't find the reference?
sing the sight of an octave stretched out beyond the eye - great line
there's no word to suck the poison from a snakebit leg - great line but feels overdone
no sound for destruction (put) in abeyance
we need more than threnody - maybe plural threnodies (just for flow)
& colored ice stirred into starshine - lovely line
more than ribs curved back to the bow in wings
(more than) and a sliver of saliva lipped to a figure 8 - x
on cold palms warmed to a cheeks heat

when you touch me
my eyes pound with night like a bruise - you have night here so dark way back might be a better choice

your voice shifts with an oiled flame
my heart pushes (night) thru missing limbs
& your breath beats like an owl
I'm all climacteric in this one & done flesh calculus - this line didn't work for me
boiled down to it's bare beginnings
of a bright tone tuned to a galactic string's risen voice

Just dashing through at the moment, I like the form it's a kind of Cadae isn't it? The content is too much for me to take in 2 minutes before lunch, but I'll be back

Hey guys, all thanks and just a note while I am at work: KOFA stands for Kings of Arizona....name of a montain range around here...Yuma.


JR

JR,

I am visibly stopping in to say that, hmm, well, I love the sounds and think that it would be a lot of fun to record it.
I will come back again and try to have something more concrete to say. I am going to read it and read it and come back. Yes, interesting sounds.

There seems to be a lot of drive by readings going on here!

I must admit that when I first saw this I thought that it was going to be one of those inaccessible pieces, but after having been through it a few times I now realise that I was wrong. I like what you have done with the line counts mirroring the first 8 digits of Pi, it took me a while but I got it in the end.

There really are some stunning lines here and I like the partial rhyme of winter and infinity very much (although I'm not so keen on the use of cockroaches, it seems a little obvious).

The punctuation (or lack of it) bothers me a little, especially as you have used it in S3 L1 but nowhere else, apart from the very clever use after S1. Maybe there is a mathematical reason for the full stop in S3 L1 that I'm not getting?

Thanks, I really enjoyed this, I can honestly say that I've never read anything like it before.

Nash, yeah after I posted this I suddenly became very busy beyond explaination! But man, wonderfully close read! Can't believe you pulled out the Pi form...almost gave up on that in favor of letting the images breathe more & letting them run loose thru the whole of this. It was a difficult choice. I had far more to add to this. But form often survives more than the organic. The punctuation falls away as the 8 winds down. A conciet for death.

Great read! I am honored by the closeness!

Best,
JR

JR,

This is astonishingly good. One of the most exciting things I've read on here for some time. Nash is right when he says the poem appears inaccessible but in fact isn't. The grammar and lexis make the reader work, and most readers are lazy. But boy is this worth the effort.

For sound alone the poem is excellent, but the images are dazzling too, constantly inventive, but controlled enough to know how far and wide a reader can be pulled; the poem knows it's own circumference.

That said, I have one big suggestion and a few minor points to make:
Drop the last stanza: the two line stanza starting "when you touch me" is astounding. The poem begins with a dozen lines without reference to the physical, but then little seeds are planted: hand, lips, eye, leg, ribs, palm -- all building towards that touch that sends the speaker (and the reader) careening off into the night. Bruise is the stain left by the touch -- what a finish!

Other notes: I'd consider losing the third line of the title that begins "Circumference of infinity." The effect of that long title is beating the reader on the head a little too hard I think. Long titles are traditionally used to elucidate, but this seems a little like willful obfuscation. Besides, the repetition of infinity is a bump.

There were a couple of lines where I thought you maybe push things an image too far:
~ if the galaxy opened a wave in the night's lung
~ the white noise of a whimper
Not suggesting you cut, but you might re-consider them. The latter is, for me, perhaps the weakest line in the poem.

KOFA was a problem for me on the first read-through, but having read your gloss it works fine. Still, always worth being careful with your extratextual references.

I take Nash's point about the cockroaches too, but you need them to bring the twinkies right? But you know, that idea that cockroaches are the only life-form that could survive a nuclear blast isn't actually correct. Fruit flies can withstand much greater exposure to radiation apparently . . . might be worth adding?

You have a typo: cheeks heat sb cheek's heat

OK, favourite stretch:

there's no word to suck the poison from a snakebit leg
no sound for destruction in abeyance
we need more than threnody
& colored ice stirred into starshine
more than ribs curved back to the bow in wings

We need more than threnody --- we certainly do! What a line! What a poem!

Excellent.

B.

~

Mmm lovely images and sounds, something I would read over and over again in a nicely battered hardback anthology that survives with me in my underground bunker.
I think up to "when you touch me..." I am very vividly in post-apocalyptic place with memories of music, touch, survival - and then the closeness to another physical person, bruise, breath like an owl - it is surprising for there to be another physical presence in a place that felt very alone. And then from "I'm all climacteric..." to the end, it's back in the pared down isolated space. It's a very interesting read, thanks.

I promised I would return for more than a drive-by reading. In fact I've read this several times today. It is immensely readable with some lovely lines, some have already be quoted by others, "& blind notes scrawled on your hand in the rain hum your lips numb as bleached sandstone" particularly stand out for me. The diminishing punctuation doesn't seem to cause any hiccups in reading which means the line breaks are working well.

However I'm left feeling like I have a lot of loose ends and no clue how they tie up. Looking at the other comments I expect I am being dense. I can see the reference to PI, both in the form and the theme of infinity. I'm wondering is the single full stop just a pointer towards the PI line count or does it serve more of a purpose. I take it you mean the astrological meaning of climacteric, due to the references of stars and the allusions to death. Extremely abstract, but very enticing simply because it is readable and there is that feeling that the more I play with it the more it will give back.

really liked the lines:

if the galaxy opened a wave in the night's lung
& we would think of nothing except time

not existing in the cursive call of violins

i am curious to know who the 'you' is:

when you touch me
my eyes pound with night like a bruise

your voice shifts with an oiled flame
my heart pushes night thru missing limbs
& your breath beats like an owl
I'm all climacteric in this one & done flesh calculus
boiled down to it's bare beginnings
of a bright tone tuned to a galactic string's risen voice

for me it strangely turns into a love poem! sorry for being dense.

Rush, yeah apacolyptic love poem of sorts...this has 7 other poems with it & may not convey an accurate picture until they are read....thanks for the good words and thoughts...

BE, heady words from a poet whose work I have torn apart & put back together rcently...and found it to be impeccable...a person whose work I respect. I like your suggestions about the title! Thanks for that & so many other comments. I think you really read down into this & found your way out...I am honored by the attention to detail in your thoughts. This is the final installment of the poem I posted on AL.org and you asked about. It's part of my new MS that I am shopping around ATM. The form is the first eight integers of Pi so it makes it hard to cut the final stanzas...I agree with you tho...they are pretty weak...thanks again B for all your kind words.


JR

Ben, thanks for coming back. The nick about the minus puncuation was a great relief for me. I was worried that it was going to need added back in. Not a problem but I prefer the over all metaphor it presents rather than the standard stuff. I am not sure you're missing much...I am trying to convey feelings by images...it's style of imagism I am working with that I call pointillistic...alot of seemly incongruent images that add up to a goal greater than the sum of their parts. When I write or read this kind of writing I try to place myself in the images & think about what kind of feeling I would have being there... Hope that makes sense... Thanks for your thoughts!!

Very impressive, JR. Seems more abstract - or even cubist - than pointillist to me, but I'm just pigeonholing, aren't I? Whatever it is, it's an intoxicating whirl of worlds.

You may have concluded from that that I got lost more than once. I did, but I really didn't mind. I don't mind working hard on something if it's going to be worth the effort. I think this is.

I very much admire what you've done here. I'd be interested to know how this reads, coming to it at its proper place in the sequence. Some day, maybe, eh?

Good good work.

Cheers

David

Hi,

I don't think I can add to what has already been said eloquently already but I just wanted to add to the acclaim. This has really nailed the difficult trick of being an amazing, sonorous read and a provocative, expansive think. I'd really like to see the series.

Rich Basnik