Poetry Forum

If it's a man's world as they say,
then how is it that my mother showed me the way?
How is it that day to day all I see around me are men fussing n fighting, Snarling and biting
Doing nothing exciting
And it is the women who are uniting families
Preventing casualties and taking responsibility for their own lives
How come it's the wives who strive to those ends meet
Put shoes on they babies feet
Keep them sweet whilst reading to them from books
To make them think
While arrogant men just sit and drink...

Miss their contribution if you blink...

Boys2Men- When?

I think the way women are portrayed here is a bit cliched and idealistic, but some of the lines about men are spot on, especially the last one. Also like "snarling and biting/Doing nothing exciting".

Thoughts:

Internal rhyme is nice here. Kind of carries the piece along.

"they babies" = "their babies"

I noticed "whilst" about two thirds of the way through. It seems misplaced.

I found it interesting that you thought to capitalize the first word of every line. Any reason?

"Miss their contribution if you blink" is a great line.

Yeaaaah...almost too feminist here. Not that feminism is a fault, I just don't agree with them; this doesn't really challenge my opinion either.

Have any more?

- Caleb

Hiya people
Nice one for constructive replies.Appreciated.
No great or grand thought went into this verse.I was literally sat in a pub when James Brown's song of the same name came on the jukebox.Pub was full of pished blokes (yes, and women too) and I just riffed it. Trust me though I do believe that what is stated here is the case( mostly).I was brought up by a strong woman, guded by the same woman and day to day I see so many strong women around keeping their shit together whilst most of us blokes don't seem to reach a level of maturity past the age of 14.
Nowt feminist about it though chaps...my advice to feminists is 'shut the f8ck up and put the kettle on'.....
As for rhyme structure.No structuring was crafted...'lines get riffed with swift execution, one verse could coerce your girl to prostitution..'Was just a brief verse, nowt else.
PEACE

Im really likin this, and the thoughs behind it. of course its not the deal in many cases but there are too much of those type of situations doin down. So thank you for the positive view of women. best wishes mj

upon further review, I may have reached the "feminist" accusation in error.

And it is the women who are uniting families...
How come it's the wives who strive to those ends meet
Put shoes on they babies feet
Keep them sweet whilst reading to them from books
To make them think

I'm not sure they'd like that portrayal, stay-home moms always did get a bad rap, but I digress...hope I didn't offend too many. Ha. ha.

- Caleb

As the resident feminist on this site, I claim: None taken.


As for the poem, I liked it save the mixing of urban language and olde english. Either edit out some slang or the "whilst".

Only my opinion,
.tg.

The mixture of ye olde English and the urban speak actually kind of reminds me of Spike Lee. He likes to do that.

Anywho...

I think this would sound good recited... I like the rhythm and rhyme. I may shorten the lines to kind of get that vibe across if that's what you're going for.

You lot are funny.."the mix of urban language and olde english.." Eh?
What are you on about? I just write this how I'd talk it.Same as i write everything.Don't over analyse the language.You might miss sumtin...(oops there I go getting all urban again.) Since when was the word whilst olde english anyway? Ease back people.Bless yer.
PEACE n lOVE n stuff