Poetry Forum

i

Not the thin dark runaway type
but a solid dependable, spreadable honey brown.

A litany of stations litters your red face;
London, Brussels, Oslo, Lux'B'G.

A traveller from another era trying to communicate
in wavelengths no one uses any more.

ii

Time and children have not been kind to you
your shattered back repeatedly patched.

Years in a damp flat took their toll
but they were better than those that followed.

Everyone else who remembers your days on the beach has moved on,
somewhere out of range.

iii

I'll buy you new batteries
if it'll silence that damn whistling.

Still refusing to abandon you
in a vain attempt to repay my childhood pleasure.

In factories across China they are cloning you
but nothing will ever be quite the same again.

http://i489.photobucket.com/albums/rr25 ... G_7597.jpg

I hate to use clichés as you know Ben, but this reads like prose to me . . .

B.

I like this Ben, very clever.

It's a perfect example of anthropomorphisation, it could be read ( as I know was your intention) as a portrait of an elderly, travel worn relative. The new batteries couplet works especially well, referencing hearing aids.

Can't fault this one at all, really enjoyed it.

Nowt wrong with nostalgia. I like it, especially:

Time and children have not been kind to you
your shattered back repeatedly patched.

Years in a damp flat took their toll
but they were better than those that followed.

though I wonder if the couplets might not be reversed to better effect.
Maybe "Everyone who shared your day on the beach / has moved on, somewhere out of range."
I find the length of the current line too much.

Don't you mean "replay my childhood pleasure"?

Ben,

My favorite line is

Everyone else who remembers your days on the beach has moved on,
somewhere out of range.

It is filled with life and then sadness.


I enjoyed the reading. Title is a mystery to me but it must be the name of the thing?
The photo is very inviting, I'd like one.

Thanks,
Suzanne

@Brian, you are quite right, I would hope the opening section is not a prosy as the rest, but the two following section descend to the depths of prosiness. Still trying to find my way with this one, it says what I want to say, but not how I intend to say it.

@Nash, thanks, you have captured the intent.

@Ray, you could be right about reversal of the couplets, I set them down as they happen chronologically, but that is not vital. Torn on the split at that point as it moves the weight further up the line, but I am aware the long line might not work for everyone, I'm beginning to line long lines at the moment. 'replay' is a good suggestion as it adds to the nostalgia feeling, repay is more the truth of the matter. As a kid I loved tinkering and I took the poor thing to pieces and rebuilt it far too often, never really listened to it much, just hours of fun fiddling.

@Paisley, I take it the length of line is not an issue for you. I don't like the title especially after 'Pantone' as I know if opens me to accusation of deliberate obscurity. It is the model number, BUSH made several different models, this particular model wasn't very popular and only had a three year production run, people preferred the chrome finish to the brass. It was my Grandma's radio, but 'Grandma's Radio' tend to give the whole poem away before it has started and doesn't explain the last couplet. The photo is not the one I have which is extremely battered, the back is broken in a few places and always used to be held together with parcel tape, the carry handle is bent, the dial no longer works. I would love to have one of the new DAB repro models, but still I hang on to this battered old thing.

Hi Ben,

I enjoyed this. Before I looked at the photograph the title actually made me think of R2D2 or something similar which was underlined by the time I reached the cloning bits. I thought I was reading about some kind of old android, which says a lot about me I guess. Being a nurse, I also had an immediate association with the first two lines which isn't repeatable in polite company, but seeing as we're not there all I can say is to look up the Bristol Stool Form Scale on Tinternet.

Felt that a 'litany of stations litters' was good but a bit too good, if that makes any sense.



[/i]Time and children have not been kind to you
your shattered back repeatedly patched. This was my absolute favourite part. The next 2 lines were good, too, but I felt the contrast with the last two lines was too much in such a short space of time for me emotionally-but then if I'd twigged it was about a radio perhaps not.

Felt the 3rd part was the weakest but I was still struggling with the pathos of the shattered back and the emotionless bit about cloning.

But I enjoyed it and thank you!

jacq

Jacq, what a great link I shall post a copy of the chart in the Water Closet for future reference. Not at all what I had in mind with the opening couplet, but I can see the linkage. 'litany of stations litters' has been cut from the rewrite, not sure if the replacement will be any better, but I felt it was trying too hard 'litter' wasn't the correct word, but there purely for sound.

Nash wrote:I like this Ben, very clever.

It's a perfect example of anthropomorphisation, it could be read ( as I know was your intention) as a portrait of an elderly, travel worn relative. The new batteries couplet works especially well, referencing hearing aids.

Hi Ben,

I agree with Nash, although batteries for a radio like that will set you back a small fortune (if they still make them)
and last approximately 25 minutes

The abbreviation of LUXEMBOURG is a nice touch. For some reason HILVERSUM sticks in my memory .

I'd be inclined to lose the 1st couplet, or maybe make a reference to complexion or somesuch.

Ray's suggestions are good methinks.

The last couplet (cloning) - I'm not sure about that - after all it's only a superficial likeness; the "insides" will be digital,
surely? Maybe there's a parallel you could draw there?

Good 'un
Geoff

Yep, I like this a lot too, Ben. Now Brian (and you) have pointed it out, I can see a certain prosiness about it, but all I can say is that it didn't bother me at all on first reading.

Do you know this one?

Justin, gentler than a man
I am down on my knees
At the wireless knobs
I am down on my knees
At those wireless knobs
Telefunken, Telefunken
And I'm searching for
Luxembourg, Luxembourg,
Athlone, Budapest, AFN,
Hilversum, Helvetia
In the days before rock 'n' roll

I've no idea what's going on with Justin.

Cheers

David

David wrote:Yep, I like this a lot too, Ben. Now Brian (and you) have pointed it out, I can see a certain prosiness about it, but all I can say is that it didn't bother me at all on first reading.

Do you know this one?

Justin, gentler than a man
I am down on my knees
At the wireless knobs
I am down on my knees
At those wireless knobs
Telefunken, Telefunken
And I'm searching for
Luxembourg, Luxembourg,
Athlone, Budapest, AFN,
Hilversum, Helvetia
In the days before rock 'n' roll

I've no idea what's going on with Justin.

Cheers

David

DEJA VU!
When we were nostalging(?) about radiograms that looked like cocktail cabinets, LPs, 78s and swarf..

twoleftfeet wrote: DEJA VU!
When we were nostalging(?) about radiograms that looked like cocktail cabinets, LPs, 78s and swarf..

You're right, Geoff. I thought I'd posted this snippet before, but I couldn't remember the context. Swarf, eh?

David wrote:

twoleftfeet wrote: DEJA VU!
When we were nostalging(?) about radiograms that looked like cocktail cabinets, LPs, 78s and swarf..

You're right, Geoff. I thought I'd posted this snippet before, but I couldn't remember the context. Swarf, eh?

Yep, search for "swarf" and you will find it.

Well I hunted for swarf and came up here viewtopic.php?f=3&t=2801&p=15227&hilit=swarf#p15227. Reading that reminds me of the day I saw an old wind up gramophone for ten pounds in a junk shop, still working. Once again I regret not splashing out for my own fang toothed serpent. Sound as swarf is pretty neat brings in a nice image of a lathe revolving. I might dedicate this to Justin where ever he is.

BenJohnson wrote:Well I hunted for swarf and came up here viewtopic.php?f=3&t=2801&p=15227&hilit=swarf#p15227. Reading that reminds me of the day I saw an old wind up gramophone for ten pounds in a junk shop, still working. Once again I regret not splashing out for my own fang toothed serpent. Sound as swarf is pretty neat brings in a nice image of a lathe revolving. I might dedicate this to Justin where ever he is.

Ben,
Sounds like you might have been able to sell the old gramophone for a profit.
But the dog is for life!

For me the couplets tend to keep this in a poetry form. I like it without knowing why. But I do think bits could be stronger -
i

Not the thin dark runaway type
but a solid dependable, spreadable honey brown. - loved this line

A litany of stations litter(s) your red face;
London, Brussels, Oslo, Lux'B'G. would prefer the names of stations - rather than the cities

A traveller from another era trying to communicate
in wavelengths no one uses any more. - no one uses any more - this could be stronger

ii

Time and children have not been kind to you
your shattered back repeatedly patched. - nice image

Years in a damp flat took their toll - cliche
but they were better than those that followed.

Everyone else who remembers your days on the beach has moved on,
somewhere out of range.

iii

I'll buy you new batteries
if it'll silence that damn whistling. - quirky

Still refusing to abandon you
in a vain attempt to repay my childhood pleasure. - not sure you need these 2 lines

In factories across China they are cloning you - this is good but
but nothing will ever be quite the same again. - cliche end line weakens the poem